How do I deal with this type of friend..

[Chatmonkey]

Hey guys I am really looking for a bit of advice here as this friend (who I will call Jon) really tests me at times. Quite literally actually... (i'll get to that later) will try make this short:

 

We are both 22 years old and have been friends since Grade 4. So a very long time. Let it be known that he is pretty much been like this forever but he seems to have taken it up a notch recently due to insecurities which i'll explain.

 

He comes from an extremely wealthy family. His father made a very successful company. His father acts like a rich guy, as he deserves i guess, due to his hard work and business success. As he is Jon's father, Jon naturally looks up to him. As such, Jon acts very pretentious and believes he is better than others. Now, he won't act like a dick, he is a very nice guy, but it appears in certain ways that are quite irritating. A few quotes:

 

"I'm so above buses" - when i mentioned it would be cheaper to take the bus home rather than a taxi when we both had barely any money.

"I'm too good to eat in a food court"

 

Anyway, he seems to think he is entitled to more than he is. Realistically, it is his parents that are entitled, not him. He hasn't done ****.

 

Now, I can handle this pretentiousness and unwarranted sense of entitlement, but now that I am around him more often (i live i the same building) he is acting out of his own insecurities more, toward me!

 

Remember how I said he thinks he is better than everyone? Well, when I say I just went for a walk or went to the park to listen to an audiobook by Ralph Waldo Emerson (because he asked what I did), he detects a small amount of proudness or smuggness (it would be hard to say something like that to him without him detecting it somehow), he will then ask me questions quickly in a very monotoned voice (which when people do in a monotone and quick succession implies they are not expecting a response back to their question in the first place) like "Do you know who he is?" "where is he from" "where did he go to school" "what reasons has he given you to warrent listening to him"

 

Now, these are all fair questions. But he often does this to me for different things. He tests me like this to see if I know because he cannot handle me feeling proud about something on an intellectual level that he was not doing and this threatens his view that he is better than people. If I don't know (which he assumes due to his monotone and pace of question asking) or ignore him his insecurity can be satisfied and he can again feel superior.

 

What is also contributing to this is a lack of respect for me as he has known me for so long, and I wasn't the smartest in school (despite my passion for working and developing myself that has evolved outside of school). So I have changed a tonne, but his old perception of me hasn't. I also like to be high energy because where we live is such a low energy place. People tend to associate high energy with potential for being silly, intrustworthy, lower on an intellectual level, potentially clumsy and so on..

 

This aspect of him comes out in many shapes and forms during conversation or even in the gym (where he refuses to have me spot him or always has to do better than me).

The insecurities of Jon, his unwarranted sense of entitlement and his pretentiousness is slowly driving me insane.

 

Why does EVERYTHING have to come under such deep analysis? Sometimes just be encouraging maybe? Like... **** man.

 

Any thoughts would be great or similar experiences and how you handled it.

 

 

Summary:

 

Very close friend feels he is better than everyone and when he gets a sense that you are proud of something or feel superior in some way he will act on his insecurity because he feels the need to re-justify to himself that he is better.

Again, he is not a guy who is a wanker or anything and it's not obvious to general people, but I know him well and he is comfortable to take these tones like this on me but it's wearing thin.

 

I really want to handle this the right way. I am trying not to let it make me upset or angry or affect me in any negative way.

Edited December 5, 2014 by Chatmonkey

[Survivor12]

Could it be that you are trying to prove something to him and that your own insecurity is causing you to be particularly sensitive to him?

 

Saying, "when he detects a small amount of proudness or smugness", indicates that you are aware that you were projecting those feelings and it seems obvious that you were hoping for validation from him & disappointed when you didn't receive it.

 

Here's a suggestion--stop the pretense. If you are trying to better yourself--own it. Instead of trying to impress him by pretending, be honest. When he began questioning you, instead of getting defensive, you could have admitted that you were reading the book because you're TRYING to improve yourself & become more well-read. Have confidence in your effort instead of putting yourself at a disadvantage by acting.

 

See the difference?

 

Frankly, it sounds as if your friend is doing the same thing...He's trying to make you (and himself) believe that he's "better" than what he is.

 

There's an old saying about being best at being yourself. Instead of trying to impress him (or anyone) by pretending to be who you WANT to be, impress them with who you ARE.

 

PS Sometimes knowing an author's background can give you a greater understanding of & appreciation of their work so perhaps his question was sincere.

[preraph]

I'd say Survivor is on to something. I think his smugness and superiority has you on the defensive or offensive. If he shot back stupid questions like to me about an author, I'd probably laugh and say "Seriously?" or say, "Well, if you're really that interested, you COULD read the book." On one hand, he seems to think this is making conversation, like acting interested in what you said, but on the other he's looking to challenge you on it. Without knowing him, it's impossible to say where his insecurity comes from. It may very well come from not ever having to do anything to earn rewards, but it could equally come from parents too busy to pay him much attention. Anyway, I just think you call him on anything he does that seems abrasive by just shooting questions back to him. Don't let him hang you with the awkward response. Ask him back, Why do you ask? "Just curious." "Why are you curious?" "Well, you seem all into this author..." "Do you like to read?" Just turn the tables on him. Let him have to come up with the awkward response.

[MillyZon4]

You seem quite well spoken and intelligent to me!

 

You friend seems very insecure and reliant on his social status to give him a sense of confidence. It sounds very immature and hopefully something he can grow out of. What's good about your friendship is that he has someone like you who sees through it and can give him different insight... you could be a really important person to help him open up and see the world in a new light. I think if you get annoyed enough, you should just tell him it makes you upset! Honesty will be a huge favor to him, and if he can't handle it, he's going to miss out on a hell of a friend and a hell of a lot in life.

[Chatmonkey]

Thank you all for your responses. They were all very helpful and helped me gain some new perspective on the matter