agony, remorse

[itr]

i just did a quick search and came up with this site immediately!

 

my problem is basically that i was living with best friend (female, i'm male). i had known here since college --through both of our graduations and then i went onto grad school. i want to qualify something right up front that some ppl may have an immediate problem with -i do not and don't believe she did either: as of now i am 50 and she will 25 in a week.

i have been married twice. my second wife was 19 and i was 35 (or 34, i forgot). see, i grew being in bars as a musician and my second wife's father brought in the PA systems,. plus he had a recording studio that we sometimes used. in fact, she had a sister, perhaps a year or 2 older and called there one day to "get a date" and simply spoke the wrong name (i actually it was the right name); i really didn't know either of them very well. anyway, we were married for almost 5 years and it was really great; but i pushed her away eventually and i don't know why. she says she came back 3 times and i was unresponsive. i am manic-depressive. only recently have read a few books on the subject. i have been in and out of treatment (in now) over many years.

 

now, back to my current problem --which you could says is not a problem because she does not want to speak to me until she is "ready" --i fear this is never, though i take blame for all the damage. here's my story, not necessarily complete:

 

thing is... it's so damn difficult to explain, i'll try... this was friendship... there was not even a romantic involvement. see, we were friends from one day when i walked into english class and asked if anybody wanted to go as group to an extra credit movie --she raised her hand (we were both students in the class), she was the only one who wanted to go.

 

i remember we stopped at what-a-burger on thomasville before-hand and i remember her sort giving me the old "watch out buddy" routine, like, don't come on to me or something. i wasn't about to. she had these hugely baggie clothes on and i thought it was all kind of cute. later on, coming back, i asked her that if she didn't have a car (she lived in a dorm) then how did she get food? i said that i would call her when i went to the store and see if she wanted to come. well, this turned out to be a regular event, it was also quite fun... measuring out time (long) looking at which cookies to get for me and which cereal to get for her and she always with the cherios anyway. then we started going out to eat together --i told i went often and i'd call here since i always went alone anyway... then was more movies... we were fast friends and spent a lot of time together. i pretended i was her father once to help at school... she had a mouthful of braces.

 

she soon knew all about NA and my involvement and soon even knew a lot about it. she never saw my manic depression, though she did know that i was going to counseling for a period and taking medication --she said i didn't need it, and no one would have been able to tell any difference in me anyway --i don't know if has ever worked, it's not working now, in fact it's once again (since my suicide attempt, in june or july) at crisis level.

 

here boyfriend finally transfered to fsu and used to make them dinner on rare occasion, but we, she and i, were just as much friends and spent just as much time together --she didn't drink so that was great.

 

she drove me to jacksonville, i spent the night at her parents house and by the way her parents knew me well by now. she had attended my sister's wedding with me, she's in pictures with my family --the whole nine yards. so she drove me to jacksonville to interview at this private law school --only one that would take me-- and to look for an apartment. we stopped at a wendy's and she asked me if i were younger (insert some number of years --cause i don't think she was really thinking so much about the years) did i think we would have "hooked up". i'll never forget that. i said maybe, i think that's what i said, but something aloof. one missed opportunity, though it was probably there all along.

 

the thing is, during our almost six year friendship (including the over a year we lived together) i always told myself, repeated in my mind over and over that i would not, never, fall for her, in love i mean or even just try to have sex with her because i thought it unfair to her due to my age --that she should be with people her own age. the problem was though is that it was and had been happening, probably all along, but it was buried deep in my mind --i had plenty of things to keep me distracted, including plenty of time just "being" with her and making her laugh and teasing her about her laugh, she was, in the midst of everything, my joy.

 

when i finally started student teaching i had a minor manic episode and wanted out of the program, the teacher/mentor was not supportive and my school was promising to pull me out of it. two weeks before i was to finish i had tons of essays of to grade and called her. she stayed until 2 or 3 am and we just graded them as fast as we could and a few days later i quit. that was very difficult for me because i thought she would see me as a failure --i did not recognize why i would have such a though. in the end she came to my graduation and yes she's in all those pictures with my family.

 

i went to her graduation and took movies, and i promised to make a dvd movie which i have never done. then i decided not to go to law school but to stay at fsu and go to grad school. fsu bought the property i was living on. she was graduated but called me every saturday night and some in between or i her. she had broken up with her boyfriend by then and living at home. she talked about wanting to get out on her own. i had already taken note, i suppose, that with minor exception all her friends were guys. so, when she talked about finding an apartment and a roommate it was (you know us guys:) some guy who had an extra room.

 

so fsu bought the property and long story short she said she'd come be my roommate; actually, it was my suggestion and i wanted her to, well, she did, to help a friend she said.

 

she had boyfriends all over, i mean, she one across town where she'd spend the night quite often. oh, and we talked about everything, or so i though, but i never believed, probably my weakness, that had only slept with him once a long time ago (he was also from jacksonville). then she started at a gym and got friend there whom she spent nights with and of course i never believed they didn't. i occasionally asked her why, if our apartment was 3 minutes from her job, and she went to bed next to whomever early, why she didn't just drive home so she didn't have to get up at 5 instead of 5:30. i was jealous i guess --there it was but i wasn't putting 2 + 2 together, meaning that my wall of not falling in love with was crumbling, very slowly. i fought it every time it bubbled up and she didn't help because she would say --age is just a number.

 

going back a bit, to when we were in school, we were at a restaurant on evening, chili's i think. we had just sat down and i was about to get up to go to the men's room, something i rarely did, but she did at least 3 times to wash her hands everytime we went out. anyway, she said she wanted to tell me something, i said hold on, but i suspected something because there was something in her eye(s). when i came back i said ok, go ahead, she smiled and slowly, kind of drawn out, in the most loving tone i think i've ever heard (really, not from a wife, a girlfriend, nobody --well, maybe that japanese girlfriend i had, but that was because it in japanese, good grief) she said... i love you. and as capt. jack sparrow (johnny depp in 'pirates of the caribbean') would have said, i had just missed the opportune moment.

 

times came and went. until thanksgiving when i went down to naples and my brother said next august he would have a well paying job for me if i wanted to move down. at christmas i went back down, my was down there and had now cancer, and firmed it up with my brother. so i had until, i'd say, june to decide. my landlord, by word of mouth, agreed to extend the lease until august 1. i asked her, a-m, what would happen. she said she guessed we'd go our separate ways. but later she was contemplating coming with me, still as a roommate --i told her i still needed one, besides, as a counselor we saw said, she (or we) had created a marriage, just without sex. she told me she asked her mother about going. i told her, finally, that it was up to her, that she could come if she wanted --another missed moment, i should have never said that; i should have said that i really needed her and wanted her to come. putting the ball in her court, strangely when you consider her relationships with other guys, was not the right thing to do. with other guys i believe now that that she likes total control, with me she wanted me to tell her.

 

i started getting more uptight, feeling like i might be losing her. the superbowl came along and i thought we might go someplace where there were a bunch of people watching it, some public place, we didn't go to too many events together --a few seminole games. she said she was invited to a party and for me to come to that. i asked who's party and it was a guy who had operated a dvd stand at the student union flea market --she had been to his place before. i went, just to show her i wasn't anti-social. but she knew the layout of his place, i mean she was telling me how he had 2 huge tvs and that he had a room coming open when his girlfriend left or something and that she might move in there. i went in and was completely turned off immediately, they weren't very nice people and i could sense that in 2 seconds through any front they put up. the game hadn't started and i remained kind of alone --it wasn't like they were making any arrangements for everyone except themselves and their friends already there to sit anywhere. i impulsively said i had to go that i had been paged by the sys admin. i left with her sort of following out the door, but not coming with me. i wasn't saying for her to come, i was frantic, manic, i wanted to get out of there --there, there was another manic episode we didn't recognize for what it was and neither of us was educated on what to do about it. i left. i got home and hid in my bed. i called my sister who told me to go back if i cared about a-m. i went back. i don't know if the game was over, but she and i sat of sofa in another room and then left. she complained that if i had not come back, she would've had get a ride from two rather impolite red-necks, i think it scared her a little. they were all bunch of red-necks --if fsu wasn't there they'd have been spotted as the ****s they were a mile away. too much time on that.

 

once, when my tv broke, she knew a guy selling one. we went to his house. it seemed like she had been there before, she mentioned that she wanted the satin sheets, of we were right there looking at them, but my mind is either very sick or just love struck and couldn't take the slightest blows (to me they seemed below the belt). we bought the tv, well, she did buy it for me and i think i paid her back.

 

jumping back forward, my boss and his boss and his boss were about to offer me a staff position with full benefits. now i had to chose, naples or stay. my sister said stay, i can't even remember what a-m said, but i so wish she had said stay, stay. i really thought this naples thing was going to be way better. my boss even spent a half hour or so doing the math with me and thought i should think hard about it --he wanted me to stay. i decided to go.

 

one she called me from her car or from one of her friends apartments, it was about midnight and in fact she driving and almost to our door. she called to ask me some silly question about dinner the next evening. she made dinner every night and when she wasn't there dishing it out hot exactly when i walked in, it was in the oven waiting, covered, hot. early on, perhaps twice, i tried to tell her that she did not have to make me food or even share any that she bought, etc., with me. i was from the school of marking your name on your milk and getting upset when someone ate yours, but this was not how she had set up our "marriage." anyway, when she called me to ask about the next evening's meal, i thought it was really strange. i called her back. i asked about the call and about that time she walked in the front door --ahh, cell phones. now i really thought it was strange. it was during the first call that something hit me, something flipped, not unpleasantly, in my stomach or maybe it was my mind, now that i think about it, it was my heart.

 

i tried to hold out. i made two days before, as she was going to bed, i approached and stood in her door and said, a-m, i'm in love with you, you're the only woman i've ever met that i would change my life for. she reacted by saying, wow, that's a big step, as she tucked herself in and that she'd have to think about that. i did not expect her to throw herself into my arms, but i also did not expect that someone might have to think about such a thing, i figured either you did or you didn't. i was in limbo, something was triggering. my like for instant gratification, which i had worked so hard on with the 12 steps; but worse, yes, potentially much worse than that, manic-depression, and, specifically, mania. i slept fine that night.

 

i began to make a plan for the changes i could make right away. for one, i was part worker and didn't work until 2 pm, often staying late or all night and falling asleep as she awoke for work. so i started to look for a second job. i joked with her about it, saying, wait you'll see, i can do what everyone else does. i was extremely fortunate, God smiled, and there was a flier for a student assistant right in my very own department. i asked if i could apply --i was given the job and not only was i given the job, but they simply extended the hours of my, now later, job so i was being paid the same amount of money. the way it worked was i went in at 8, ran all over campus and took care of machines --no one was suppose to ask me about fixing their computer but they did. once it was a good thing i was there because the chairman's machine blew up. i had another on his desk in less than 40 minutes with his data on it, in other words, he couldn't tell the difference.

 

i now got up just after she did. i had to be at work by 8 and i was often early --i was very proud of myself and knew she was without saying it.

 

the very first morning, i came out into the kitchen, ready to go, and there was brown paper lunch bag with my first name written on it, it was chocked full with a nutritious lunch, really: sandwhich, apple, cheese, home-made mix of nuts and raisins, and a lite dessert with a plastic spoon. i could never eat it all, but also could never bare to tell her it was too much so i did.

 

the second morning, i came out into the kitchen, ready to go, and i saw the bag, of course from the previous day i knew this would be a permanent thing; but this day something caught my eye on the table, it was a hot breakfast. this became regular too. from then on she'd sometimes ask me what i wanted, but she really knew and was probably just checking. i love this woman, i thought. i saw myself screaming it out in a public square like in the tv commercial for diamonds, she is a diamond and she brought me so much joy.

 

yet, i received little answer to my request for her love. i remember her coming in and sitting on my bed and talking a little about it. i remember her saying, we'd have to start having kids yesterday. this conversation was ultimately another missed opportune moment. i knew she wasn't ready to get married or have kids, that's not what i was asking. i guess she thought i'd be too old by the time our child went college, i thought that was silly, i still do, really. age is just a number. the answers were looking bleak.

 

i was losing her, no more roommate/friends, no coming to naples even as a friend, and no loving me. dr. jekyll was now, beyond his self-control. he had done what normal people may do but handle differently. my concoction, my transformative evil potion, was built-in, all it had to do was to be set-off into my brain.

 

here's what happens as best i can describe it. i am rejected, about to be abandoned, yet i am suppose to be strong --i have awards to prove it; i have surfed with large sharks and swam with smaller ones; i have been scared almost out of my wits before. i have been burned by a rifle shell that upon ejection wedged itself in my helmut-strap. i was the best football player in the neighborhood and could eventually beat my seven years older uncle in basketball; i have been punched in the nose after flipping a guy twice as big as me, i was beaten up on the playground after starting a fight, due to the unfair treatment of everyone, by the local gym owner and famous wrestler's son; i was praised at almost every job i ever had and enjoyed the benefits of being with and in popular bands. i could hold my liquor and my drugs (back when i used them), on and on. somehow, what gets left out of my mind is also that i have been exactly where i was finding myself now, before. like a freight train anyone could hear from far off, heading closer and closer, i could not, until its light is shining right on me in the middle on the track, too late to jump out of its way, enter, mr. hyde. mania is here. it is destructive. nevertheless, there is some conscience, some moral sense of right and wrong just under surface that offers slight control. here is what both sides do. i must add now, that i have by now, in a manic kind of desperation asked her to marry me as she leaves out the door, me on my knees. the moral side then sat and wrote a nicer proposal, though i didn't get a chance to recopy it neatly. she probably thought it was trash, but i thought it was beautiful, mainly because i had been listening to one song over and over, 'my funny valentine' and the words i wrote went with that melody. speaking of valentine, on valentine's day, which was fairly close, before i confessed my true feelings, that is, after which this tragedy occurred, she had said that we would not get each other anything for valentine's day, i agreed, but nevertheless bought some some yellow ribbons for her hair. i don't believe we usually got each other anything for that day anyway. so the manic depression has been released and the mania is building. what happens to me is that i began (me being my manic mind, so that's not really me at all, then is it) to look for anything i can use, that mr. hyde can use, to explode me and the target, her. i start to think, how could i have ever thought i could have a platonic relationship. i look at the table, which i hated because we bought it from a kid's mom who's dad worked, as did the kid, where she worked, and she had, well, had the kid. i hated these people.

 

let me tell you about these people, not in any particular order. this kid's father had had an affair with some woman (or some girl) where they worked, this was a car dealership so what do you expect; the woman was suing him and eventually he was fired, in all fairness though probably for something else. but this kid didn't even want to help us bring the table home when it wouldn't fit in her or my car and he really only did so he could stay and get a blow job. a-m would bring her boyfriends over and we had no living room, well, there was one sort of charity case that she sat out there watched movies he'd bring... when all she probably wanted to do was have sex. like the guys i talked about earlier, but they never came over, she always went to them. she probably was too self-conscious to do it where i was --that seems kind of strange, no? i mean we talked about it all, head-monsters i knew when i was younger, swallowing, everything. she had another guy in jacksonville who is (maybe he's changed a real jerk). this guy was married, his wife pregnant while he's out getting another woman pregnant --2 children born at almost the same time and now he doing a-m. and he never had to do a thing... never took her anywhere, nothing. i was instructed plenty of times to not tell her parents where she might be when she was really gone to his place to stay friday and saturday and to go to her parents the next day.

 

my mania chose all these things to make her into, well, a slut. i had known all these facts before; i grew up, why couldn't she? i began to verbally abuse her. my mania will verbally abuse and it destroy property that usually belongs to me, unless it's some accident, but it does not physically abuse --though i'm sure it scared the hell out of her.

 

i began to get pills, tranquilizers from an old professor friend, and believe this is the right path to take for me; but they were too weak for me. i wanted to stop abusing her. i couldn't show up at work anymore, they were very understanding without even knowing what was going on.

 

one evening, things and days are all mixed together and happening fast now, she came and sat with me on my bed and tried to console me as i ran around taking pills, drinking wine and acting like a maniac (manic). she suggested we watch my my favorite movie, previously referred to a number of times. i could not sit still, constantly saying to her, i can't even remember what they were. she sat stoically. i declared that i needed a real drink, i had been over 10 years, almost 8 years for the drugs. i drove down and found a bar right on the corner about 2 miles from our apartment. i went in and asked for a bourbon --all they sold was beer and wine. i started out back home, electing not to go on with that, but a terrible thing happened. just as i was onto the street she passes me in her car going in the opposite direction --if only she had left sooner or i had left that bar a few seconds later. i did a u-turn and came alongside, she paid no attention to me. i wanted her to stop. i guess, though i was crazed, i did not want to be alone, abandoned, but how can anyone in my position not feel like i did and how could anyone in her position not feel like she did, though actually, as i am manic even now as i write this, or maybe that's an excuse, maybe she just wanted to go get laid like she had planned to that night anyway. so, maybe i had caused her to stay and give up her plans --for who knows how long-- but when i left that was it.

 

i followed her. she would not stop, i honked, i pulled along side, i yelled through the window to just stop. she, in turn, led me on a wild ride of whipping u-turns, speeding, running lights and stop signs --once we went right by some cops and i was stunned they didn't come after us. she can't get away. i suppose she calls he buddy (i won't mention their names --ok, i will: larry is this guy, ben is the jerk in jacksonville, gary is the gym guy, the punk's name with the table is on the tip of my tongue... in fact ben's brother who lives in tallahassee, where we lived even called her once trying to get some for himself, God only knows what ben must of told him and i'm sure approved; while i spreading names around there was a guy or two who were decent, one was her original boyfriend, rob, who once they broke up --as i heard it he wouldn't put out so she dumped him, that may not be quite true, but it was a constant complaint-- one was a guy who was weird but broke up with her probably because he sensed that she was a bit sleazy for him (i'm guessing, though he did ask me about her once). the chase scene ends up at larry's --i didn't know where lived before and never cared. he was out in the parking lot saying something about cops, who were not there. i asked him if he had a problem, he stayed away; then i said, a-m come here. she did, from about 60 feet away. i said back to larry, see, she's not afraid of me. i wanted to show that i would never hurt her --that's the underneath control part, don't ask me how it works, but i know for fact it does. that was all i wanted was for her to finally stop. i got in car and as i drove past them in rolled down my window and said, i'm going to, going to just go home and kill myself.

 

now i'm under the train. i think it was the next day, i called my sister in naples and she set it up for me to meet with her best friend, ling time support, and long standing AA member. before i get to that meeting, i need to back up again --i'm not under the train, yet.

 

after i told her i loved her, was in love with her --this was probably the next day-- went to a movie. it was the last movie i saw with her and i know i remember the title but it escapes me at this moment. on the way to the movie, at a familiar stoplight, while we waited for the green, she sort of gazed out her passenger window and matter of factly and rhetorically asked, do you know how i paid the rent the first three months? i awaited the answer. i danced. you stripped! i was in shock. i asked: are you still doing it? no. who knows about it? i believe she only her friend seth and i, now. does your mother know? NO. oh, i see, i said. this is a test and i just failed. i'm a hypocrite. i had told her of that i had known, even been with, a stripper or two in the past. a couple them, they were best friends, were friends of mine and even painted my bedroom once. they painted over everything in place right where it was, even a guitar --purple. i wanted them to do it; these were wild days. i am certain that i glamorized that time and lifestyle. what i didn't do was to ever explain my reformation and the fact that i never went to strip bars, except once to give laura a ride someplace. i told a-m and we joked about how i had seen laura dancing while i waited and that she danced like a chicken, we had a real good laugh. i also didn't tell her that in norfolk, va., where the largest naval base in the world resides, there was no nude dancing --only pasties and g-strings. i can not regret more than i do not her the whole story, but instead a glamorized sort of use your imagination version. a-m had told me at one time that she like to try it, but it was put in one of those ways that about any young sexually active girl might, a way that one believed and that they too probably believed that never really would. so there i was, i had failed the test i thought. she automatically knew, i thought, that i would frown upon, as hypocrites do, and never marry a stripper, so there, i was **** out of luck, buddy. all of that happened so fast. I looked her and said these words, i don't know who you are. i was so saddened and scared that i really believed everything was false, that i had been used. i had told her once, in sort of a critique, or maybe was during this whole episode, that she was obsessive-compulsive, she had told me that had been diagnosed, but i told her that i was just a safe haven for her to return to while she explored sex and made me food and cleaned the apartment almost daily. what hurt me so badly was that as a man who did what apparently she claimed to be doing --though i never could have believed that women were capable of acting like men-- that she was the one being used. just like everybody in my old neighborhood who knocked on the girl next door's window for free, meaning nothing given in return, blow jobs. although, i should have known, as a man i guess i didn't think about, that plenty of women got plenty of pleasure out of simply doing that. a-m was a young woman and she loved sex, what matter what kind or how she got it. whenever we did talk about sex, and we did, she never said to me none of your business --if only she had. we had the now famous discussion of the definition of sex, too. to me oral sex is certainly sex, but to her only penetration is sex. i wonder what purpose that serves for people who believe that, oh well. the light turned green, i drove down about a quarter mile and pulled over on a side road. i can't go to the movies or anywhere with you anymore, i said. it's over. we have to go home. i have to go. ok, now i'm under the train and it's real loud.

 

i am verbally abusing her, i don't remember how or what i was saying, i just know i was sort of raging in my head and pacing rapidly. this did not scare her, bless her heart, i'm glad. i know it has to stop, the good under the evil knows it. i go to meet with eve and her friend, the meeting my sister arranged. we talked for over an hour at a mall. i told them everything --these were very experienced women. in the end, we had moved into the walkways of the mall and i sat on a bench; the question they finally put to me was this: do you think you can go home and not bother her? no. i was being as safe as i could and as honest as i could, i did not want to do this to a-m. eve tried in vain to contact an experienced man from AA that she knew would take me in --and likely would not let me get out. then they talked and said the only thing left was to take me to the hospital, through the emergency. she called my sister to her know and both women took over. we waited a very long time and finally eve's friend had to leave, but eve was staying with me all the way through. i am so thankful for that. i saw the emergency room physician and was taken back to the mental emergency area, a small area with a police guard. eve still stayed with me. finally, they gave me a serious tranquilizer and then told me they were sending me over to the behavioral center, this was the hospitals behavioral unit. in florida, everything they do i mental medical cases almost always involves something called the 'baker act', even if you take your self voluntarily they can keep you 72 hours and then they can determine if they want to keep you longer, so once you go in, it won't be up to you, per se, to be able to get out --what was voluntary becomes involuntary, in a manner, a quite legal manner, of speaking. once in, i called my sister and told her to call a-m to tell her where i was, a-m would worry. my sister failed to do this and of course i wasn't going to call her; the idea was for me to remove myself from her to try to get a grip on myself or through some medication. i was released about 5 days later and when i got home there were balloons and welcome home banners all indicating how much she missed me. when she came home, she was upset that she hadn't known where i was, i think maybe she cried and i held her. it wasn't often that she needed me to hold her, but of course i did when ever she needed. however, the monster hyde, was not absent. it started right up again either that night or the next day. now she started having panic attacks, i'm not exactly sure when she started those, but they got bad. the ephedrine (speed, really an asthmatic) she was taking probably didn't help; she was taking this because that's what guy s at the gym told her to do --my words, nevertheless i didn't like it one bit. soon her parents came, as they often did, but this time it was for a problem.

 

i had started working again, but was barely hanging and mania was killing me. one day i came home and her mother had notes all over my room, even in my bathroom, saying that i better not disturb her sleep; i'm not sure i really ever disturbed her sleep, not much if i did. i disturbed her, but at other hours. it went on and on. i wrote to friend in europe, france i think, and spilled my story to him. he told me that if i had been in a friendship and now was in love, that i could try to stick around and try to be the big man about, watching her go out and maybe she'd come around, but he it was more likely a dangerous situation and i would more and more hurt and the mania and depression would get worse. he was right, it did.

 

my brother talked with her on the phone and told her to move out. she would have none of it. living so close to job and believing that she had no place to go --i told to go to larry's he had a spare bedroom. she said it was full of boxes, but funny how these so-called aren't there when needed, her friends; on the other hand, she probably didn't ask. this makes me believe one of two things, i don't know which is the truth, she either thought this would all go away soon or that i would leave and it makes me wonder how much she really cared about me and our friendship. i was very ill, maybe she didn't know that manic depression is a disease and its ugly head was way above water by now. like a snowball rolling downhill, this snowball was now huge, in fact, monstrous, an overwhelming advancing force.

 

i decided i would move out and keep paying her my half of the rent until august. i would be paying two rents for two places. i was now seeing a very good therapist. this woman had me in her office twice a week and eventually had me seeing the other person in her office the other 3 days a week, plus she told me to just come over, they were situated in a nice house, and just sit there whenever i needed. the object was, she said, to keep me out of the hospital. i had no medical insurance, so if i went to the hospital again it would be the alternative one, in other words, the hell hole.

 

i got another apartment. a-m called one night and we had pillow talk, we missed each other terribly; but i was killing me and i was killing her. my birthday was coming up, my 50th, and i had wanted to make very special. she had planned to have a party for me, but things were washing out fast. i told my therapist on probably my second visit that i knew a-m would come to one if she thought it useful. she said, absolutely. i remember saying go ahead call now, she'll probably come right now. next week she came with me. her parents were in town --they were probably still there from before-- and they dropped her. we were all, believe it or not going to go out to dinner together after the appointment.

 

at the session, we went in together. i need to insert here, that there was one night that she hadn't come home and i hadn't been told where she was going to stay, she always told me. it turns out she went to a motel to think about me, maybe it was also about moving to naples, but she came back the next day and told me about it, of course i had been worried as heck. what she showed and read to me next was something that breaks my heart now. everything on the hotel pad she written down was positive about her and me. i remember the line, my life centers around ted and all these other really beautiful things --you mustn't read that line wrong, she meant it in a loving, good, way, not some kind of dependency. in the session, she read from this pad and started to cry --i handed her the entire box of tissues, i couldn't stand to ever see her hurting, thus i hated myself, hyde made me. the therapist, who actually specialized in marriages, told us this, i have never in 25 years seen such a perfect marriage. she went on tell a-m that she had created a marriage, only without sex. she said that such a marriage could even work --but let's not kid ourselves, both she and i had plenty of an appetite for sex. then she asked me to leave. they must have been in there 40 minutes. i also remember her asking a-m about her attraction to me, whether she had any, she replied with something the curl in my lip. which reminds me, before this, i don't know when, i asked her if i could kiss her. she made a big deal about being able to tell if there was anything there if we did this. i went and shaved (shouldn't have) and she she said she didn't feel it, it wasn't there. well, of course not, it was a complete set up, guaranteed to fail. one other time, later, as we drove across the rail road tracks next to out apartment i leaned over and kissed her again, this time it was i who reacted, i said you need to learn how kiss. (i've been told more than once that i was a good kisser and more.)

 

so i'm living in my other apartment, freaking out most of the time. all i had was my dresser and my mattress on the living room floor and my computer. meanwhile, she had started to stockpile all kitchen items and everything that was mine into my bedroom, i knew from going to get a few things --this mad me mad, more manic fodder, i figured she couldn't wait to get rid of me. soon i was unable to go over and get anything at all, it hurt far too badly.

 

i am not doing this manic depressive targeted verbal abuse any justice in these words, it was bad and it was lasting a long time. how was i going to stop calling her, to forget her, to forget our friendship, yes i was angry and full blown manic depressive, manic. i knew what to do next. my old friend, drugs. crack. i knew not to drink because that would make things worse, but by smoking crack again after all my NA work: i was elected local chairman, i did hospitals and institution visits, i founded 2 meeting in 2 cities; this drug would occupy me, but don't think it happened like that. it was march and she had given me her half of the rent --i was still handling things at the other place. though i had money and credit card, i spent hers on crack, i told her so, too. i spent mine too. i was smoking at least $100. a day, this meant 24/7, and doing that, getting and using, there was no time for anything else. i called her once in while during that month or so to tell her the bad things about using crack and never to do it, but i had told her that years ago, she knew all about my recovery.

 

i tried to stop and so i took myself, or eve took me, to the alternative mental hospital, hell. there i called a-m and cried a lot. i asked her to bring me some clothes, but apparently when they got there, her and her mother --i was waiting to catch a glimpse of her-- only her mother came and i never saw her, either. (i may have the order, the chronological of things quite mixed up in this writing.) the landlord was calling me there, she was being supportive, but she was talking about signing the apartment over to a-m, a-m was not on the lease, only me. i guess the landlord realized that it wasn't only unfair but illegal to try to get me to sign any kind of contract while in there, so she stopped with that, but she still called again, i think and was quite supportive. she was nice lady and had always liked me --i always paid on time (except for march --a-m write her a check).

 

i was being kicked out of the second apartment i had taken because i made a fire one night and the chimney was clogged. i could have died. i went to the people and told them i wanted a months rent for it and so they tossed me out. i had until the end of the month. so i'm out and back at that apartment and back smoking crack. by the end of the month, i had had enough, i could have found another place, but it wasn't about that, i was done smoking crack. i still had money, too; but, i knew it was over and the crack also had seemed to kill mr. hyde. the mania which caused the abuse seemed to be gone and depression was setting in, and during depression all i wanted was to be left alone. besides, i was totally burnt out. but, and this is a big one, big problem: how was going to stop? i only knew in my mind it was over, my body was still wanting to run, not on mania, on crack. but i knew how immediately, it was as plain as daylight. i needed to be back home, my home, my room, my things, on the other side of town from where i had hidden and rekindled that terrible addiction.

 

i called a-m, it was nighttime, i remember. i asked her if i could come home; i told her i had to to stop. she flatly said, no and hung up. i, of course figured that with me gone all the guys could who for reason wouldn't show up there before could now, so i thought maybe she had someone over. i called back. i tried to talk to her about it. she said no. i called again, had to leave a message. i said, you'd better call me and talk to me about this or i'm coming anyway and now. i called again and said, ok, i have to do this and i'm coming now, i'll call when i'm closer. half way there i stopped at a pay phone and called, left a message, saying i was a few miles away. i told her, or i had told her, that i need to be there and that i was going to sleep on this futon in front of the fireplace, that i had to do this and i didn't care if was there or not. what i meant was, i did not care what she did, whether she moved out, stayed, it was all over. no more meals, no more anything, just me getting clean again, that i didn't care what she did. so, i knew the abuse was over, or was it.

 

when i arrived the lights were out. remember, i was a walking crack factory. i could smell it all over me --i guess only a crackhead can do that. and, i was under the effects, but i was ready to curl into a fetal position and kick it. my key wasn't opening the dead-bolt. oh my God, i was staring down the freight-train again. i walked around, like a peeping crackhead thinking 'they' were in there; thinking that she must of moved her cart down the street so i'd think she wasn't there. i walked around the little squared neighborhood, even stood in front of car to make them stop thinking it might be her. finally, i said, i yelled, into the window, her window was right there at the front, that i was going to kick in the door unless she opened it. i think i took a few kicks at it and realized that kicking a front door cause more damage than i wanted to do right then; so, i decided to go around back to my window and try to open it, nothing doing. now i decided i had to break my window. i didn't think much of doing it. i didn't want to, but i knew it wouldn't cost much to fix. i thought when i told the landlord that the lock had been changed on my own apartment, well, just pay for the damage, no problem, that the problem was with the person who changed the lock without my consent. i broke the window and it made a big mess. i simply never thought to go to the neighbors and call a locksmith. oh, and at first i tried to pry it open with my car key --the one that opens the door, but i couldn't and it bent the key ever so slightly. i crawled in the window and since my tapes and cabinets and night stand with all its little stuff on it were all right there, when i crawled in it was pitch dark, except the hallucination i had of a-m opening the bedroom door, tossing the futon in, and scurrying out. i made a big mess knocking over everything, then, trying to walk across the room to the light, i knocked over lots more stuff. it was a nightmare i itself and i my mind was in a manic rage. i turned on lights. instantly found the old lock --i seem to have a knack for that-- and went to my car to get a screw driver to change it back out. ahh, but the key was bent. i couldn't get in my car. now i call a locksmith. i went to the utility room, where my toolbox was and got the tools. i changed the lock back. i went to refrigerator in search of alcohol. i found some kind of beer she had --i don't know if that o'douls is even alcoholic. so, i open up the whole place and turn on all the lights. i walk outside and start looking up and the down the street again, for her of course --the stuff that went through my mind. the dirty stuff, like, she was in a neighbor's house, all kinds of sick stuff, stuff that in the past, way before a-m i had been right about again and again.

 

here she comes whipping into the driveway. i come out with the bottle in my hand ready to protect myself, i thought some guy was driving and she got out so fast i though almost he'd be almost upon me, but it her. i half wanted to smash it at her feet, but i tossed it over into a field --remember, i wouldn't do that, violence against her i mean. i must have cursed her up and down about the lock and about being in there and not letting me in forcing me to break the window... and then walking down along the living room wall, with the wall on my left, i swung my right foot across, as i walked, at, into the wall --i had on heavy shoes and the damn wall, the dry wall, got a rather big hole in it, about a 2 foot hole in all directions. i was more distressed. now i did want to kick something, i was saying it to her, what can kick, no not that, no not that, then i saw my cd, cassette, radio boombox that had served her pretty well everyday when she made dinner and whatever else. it was located on the floor between the kitchen and that damn table i hated, which, by the way, was glass, but no, i didn't break that... only what was my property would i smash, or give it a try. the wall, was, in my opinion, though i did kick it, an accident --it was really weak, piece of crap. i saw the boombox and said to her, that's mine, i can kick that. i think she shock her head yes, anyway i gave it two good whacks --found much later that it still works fine, can't even tell i kicked it.

 

i've tried ti end it all. if there a button i'd push it.

here is a line from Frankenstein (i think):

"I am not immune to agony and remorse." --the monster

 

sorry, that's all i can write for now. i'm thinking about suicide again, but i am too chicken.

 

thanks if you read all this.

 

waiting,

itr

[midori]

Originally posted by itr

 

sorry, that's all i can write for now. i'm thinking about suicide again, but i am too chicken.

 

Dear itr,

 

I hope that other members will eventually respond to your post and the issues you are struggling with. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please get in touch immediately with your local mental health authority: call your local hospital, or if you can easily find a suicide hotline number that serves your area, please call that. You may find a lot of sympathy and good advice on these message boards, but no one here can provide the help that you need if you are thinking about suicide.

 

Please seek help in from a local mental health professional immediately. It is important that you allow the appropriate people to help you.

 

Best wishes,

midori

Site Director

LoveShack.org

[Pocky]

That's way too long. Try condensing it and I'd give it a read.

[Merin]

I read through as much of your thread as I could...

 

I'm still uncertain what it is you're looking for, or really where your story was going...

 

I don't know if this girl finally left?

 

From what I could understand in your story, it seems that you imagined something more could or was becoming of your friendship with this young woman.. and when it failed to come together the way you had imagined, you allowed your manic depressive behaviour to take over your life...

 

I'm curious why you are not taking medication to "curb" your mania?

 

At any rate.. I do apologise, as I just couldn't get through the entire thread...

 

I sincerely hope that you will resume medication and seek counseling.

[itr]

i don't know where or how to reply to each of you individually, sorry.

yes, i left finally. she tried to help this mania which was really enabling it.

 

i have become very angry and wonder that if i was her big brother all through college --her mom visted me and sent me cookies, we all knew each other and i am sure my being her big brother was a good thing --i had her on a pedestal since i had 8 years in recovery and she did not drink, smoke, go to bars etc.

 

i watched and advised (we told each other everything) as she was rather promiscuiose (sp?) --she never said anything wasn't my business, i wish now she would have. when she told me she stripped for the first 3 months we lived together it sent me over the top as well as trapped me into hypocrisy --since i had probably glamorized my past.

 

not i want to "tell" her mom that did this. i have been advised by my therapist, a priest and my psych that that would not be appropriate --but i worry about the path she may be headed down and would scrifice any chance of futrure friendship for possible parental intervention or at least knowledge --she is an only child, all her friends are guys (who i bet all but one wouild take advantage of her if they could).

 

i fear i may be in a "sin of omission" by not telling the whole story. one night at dinner whiole all this was going on, her mother said to me, 'you just don't treat someone you love like this." what she DOESN'T know is that i had recently been told about her stripping and swore not to tell.

 

finally, i got a second apartment and told her i would continue paying on mine (it was in my name only). i put myself into terrible mental wards twice in order to take myself away from her --but it was she, sorry to say, who mreally should have gotten away because i always knew where she was, she was given this advice, by others, but would not follow it.

 

i soon went back to drugs and soon was dominnated by that. soon it was over and i neede to go HOME and get clean again. the mania was over and my feelings toward her was completely subdued by kicking the drug. i told her i didn't care if she left or stayed or whatever, but that i HAD to come back to MY room (my stuff was still in there). i went home --i called her first to tell her, to ask her, she said no. then i said was coming and would stop and call halfway there, i did. when i got there the deadbolt had been changed --this is MY APARTMENT. i had to break my window to get in, she wasn't there --i should have just called a locksmith but was half out of my mind and kicking the drug. finally she drove up and i was raging --never, that NEVER would i harm a hair on her head, however, let me insert that verbal abuse is ABUSE, i know that now. but she did push me and then she called the cops who gave me a whole lotta **** even though she told them she was on the lease and had received permission to change the lock. i asked, finally, after getting the shaft, if i could call the landlord --the landlady told them it was MY apartment, that they had made a plan to talk the following week about these things, but it was still mine --even "next week" they would need my permission because it was MY lease. the cops made everybody leave. i came back later ans slept. they, landlord, her parents and her all came in about 11 or noon and i had written out her 2 weeks notice, but the landlord, though she really didn't want to finally decided to side with her and evict me.

 

i finally left for another city, where i am mnow and where i did try to commit suicide once already.

she won't talk to me. twice i have gotten in arguments where i am now and returned to the city where she is started using dope again. called her alot, buit my called, emails, text'ing are all ported off into some black whole -but one with apparently no time limit so i sob and leave/left billions of messages.

 

at Easter i sent her favorite stuffed animal and she sent it back with a note saying: "i'm not ready." previously she answered an email; and said, "i'm not ready. i must get stronger for me for you and for us." why don't i believe that?

also, when she returned the easter present she included a jar of my favorite sauce --this girl made a marriage. i didn't want her to but she did. we saw a therapist together the therapist it was the best marriage in 25 yrs. she had ever seen --just without sex. she made dinned, breakfast, lunch in a bag --i never asked for any of that and twice tried to tell her to stop it.

 

so, onve down here, i sent her money every month and recently stopped, but i didn't wanna just stop so i sent a little card saying i hope it was enough and that i missed my friend and think of her often.

 

her birthday is halloween. this time last year she was instructing me to stick all her stickers and decorations up on the windows, then at Christmas we stringed crannberries and popcorn for our first tree together.

 

i just don't know how long i can go on missing her, even if she did talk to me, i have caused so much damage, i think, that i just am over everything (life). i feel like it's been a good run.

 

i do have a therapist, but i cannot go into the hospital AGAIN (maybe 4 times in the past 6 months), it does nothing. i am trapped, confused. i have no friends.

 

thanks again for reading, i usually don't type so much.

[Merin]

ITR, Unless I missed something in your thread (and it's possible) the two of you were not married, nor were you in a "Romantic Relationship" from what I had understood in your thread the two of you were friends only, and you wanted more.

 

Regardless of what a therapist told you, it is my belief that the two of you could not have a "Great Marriage" because, well you were not married... you were not in a romantic relationship, and there was abuse.

 

This young woman is now 25 is that correct? Your therapist, and priest are correct in telling you that it isn't your place to tell her family anything. She is an adult, and she made adult decisions regardless if you felt or feel now that they were right... again... she wasn't/isn't your wife, girlfriend, or child. Not to mention it is very hypocritical for you to point at her and say that her decision to strip was wrong, when drug use is very much illegal and you were doing that.

 

Again ITR.. I was unable to get through the entire thread,and perhaps there are things in your story that I had missed... however... as you pointed out yourself ABUSE is ABUSE regardless if it's verbal or physical.

 

You know it seems that you care a great deal about this young woman... but it also seems the episode(s) between the 2 of you brought out the very worst in you... and possibly her as well.

 

IMHO there are some things that time simply cannot erase... and perhaps it is better to let go and both of you heal.

 

I still hope you will resume medication to help you with your mania and that you will not give up on seeking outside help.

 

Best Wishes

[itr]

you are right that we were never in a romantic relationship --though she told me she loved me a several times (probably as a friend), nevertheless there were many mixed messages.

frankly, we were in effect in a marriage --the therapist we saw (a woman), which was mine, wanted to meet her, and told her after speaking with her that she had created a marriage --she also mentioned that it happened to, be the best marriage (pick your reasons) she had ever seen... despite no sex. she went on to say that there could be and are marriages without sex (of course both of us are quite sensual/sexual people).

 

the "blow-up" wasn't until the end.

 

i had been offered a job far away, not out of country. and she was thinking about coming with me. i told her she could if she wanted, my mistake there, if you understand my meaning. then my present job offered to up the ante to keep me (university staff with full benefits), i should have stayed.

 

i always had told myself over the years that i would NEVER fall in love with her --i used the excuses that i wasn't attracted to her and that it wouldn't be "fair" to her due to age --btw, i do not look my age if that makes any differene (probably not, as i think you are being a bit hard on me;). nevertheless, when would talk about that, she would ALWAYS say: "age is just a number." she even asked her mother once (she told me), "what if me and itr hooked up?" still i took no "action". finally, after being roomates for over a year --this was after graduation and the univ. had bough out where i was living and i needed roommate to get a more expensive place and she wanted to come out and be my roommate --her parents approved and drove her out in a ryder truck --i have pictures to this day. one evening she telephoned, about midnight, on her way home from a guy's house or SOMETHING and asked me about dinner the next night... i thought this was weird and called right back... turns out she was about in the driveway... but when she called to ask about dinner, at midnight, for the next night, something in me changed, my heart. i all of a sudden knew i was in love with her.

 

i sat on it for 2 days and finally stood, on the 3rd night, in her doorway (not expecting to go in) and told her. my problems (mania/bi-polar) was triggered then, why? because as a recovering person and a bi-polar i was stuck in not realizing that someone may have to think about that. to me, if you didn't answer immediately... it meant NO. but i maintained as best i could.

 

the next day, or maybe 2 days later, we were going to the movies (of course i was nervous because i was in this "waiting" mode). she gazed out the passenger window at a stoplight and matter-of-factly or glibbly (not sure which to use here) rhetorically asked: "know how i paid the rent the first 3 months?" i waited. i danced. i was devastated. i thought i did not know who she was anymore. i had to stop the car for a moment, but did eventually make it through the movie. i also thought, that because i had probably mistakenly glamorized my past life, having known some strippers, that know i was a hypocrite, in the BIBLICAL sense. i even said... oh, i see, this was a test and i just failed. (btw, your mentioning my drug use is comparing apples to oranges, it's not a contest and in this town there is no "stripping", but it's ok at "private parties" --like when the government comes to town, it's the state capitol).

 

her timing was really bad. things went downhill from there.

i hope you guys will keep talking to me.