It's my fault?

[rockmanmegaman]

Okay, so I have this friend (lets call him Romeo) and this other friend (lets call her Juliet). Romeo and Juliet met during New Years and got together as I invited both of them to the New Year celebration. They began dating early this year and broke up at August because Romeo got extremely insecure and started to tell his other friends Juliet's secret to prove a point (I don't get why he did that but okay).

 

Anyway, after that, starting from last month, Romeo began to avoid me. I didn't notice at first until the beginning of this month where we both attended a friend's birthday. He was ignoring me and avoiding me. I got no idea why, and was curious whether it was something I did (At the time, I thought maybe Romeo was upset because I didn't comfort him when he broke up with Juliet). Anyways, I continued to invite him to events but he just blankly ignore it, I then ask my other friend about it. I tried calling Romeo, and he wouldn't pick up my call. My other friend decided to call Romeo up, and he picked up. I then took the opportunity and ask are you avoiding me. According to Romeo, he said I remind him too much of Juliet since I was the mutual friend. I was like Oh... Okay (In my mind I was thinking, could've at least told me that instead of letting me figure it).

 

Few days later, last Saturday, I've asked him do you still want to come for the New Year party (on fb), because if you are I need to organize food and beverages. He ignored again... So I kinda got annoyed and wrote "I know you're avoiding me, I understand the reason. Although, don't you think it's rude to completely ignore me? Could at least write yes or no".

 

After I wrote that, he yet again didn't reply to the message. I was like okay then. Then the next day, my friend told me Romeo sent him a message. The message was "Can you tell "my name" stop being an *******! Everyone has their own ways on dealing with breakup! I'm not in the mood to deal with his neurotic bull****! Not that it matters, he didn't even help Juliet and I mend the relationship when he was the mutual friend!"

 

I asked my friend did I do something wrong all I did was tell him that he didn't need to completely ignore me. My friend was like "well, you're an emotionally stronger person, so I'll side with him". I was like huh?

 

Anyway, there are just somethings I want to point out

 

a) Romeo and Juliet broke up 4 months ago.

b) How am I suppose to mend the relationship, I didn't even know they had a fight. Besides, even if I do know, how am I suppose to mend the situation where Romeo betrayed Juliet's trust by telling his friends about Juliet's secret (e.g. she use to go to therapy, etc).

c) How am I being an *******? I need to know whether he is going to the party or not because I'm one of the planners and I don't want the beach fiasco to happen (in the past, when I didn't invite him to a place he wrote an essay saying how I am a bad person).

d) He messaged my friend to tell me that, and couldn't tell him that myself?

[Ronni_W]

No...OF COURSE it is NOT your fault!

Romeo does not want to take the responsibility for his break-up that fully belongs only to him, so he chose you to be the scapegoat. That's a ROLE that he has arbitrarily assigned to you...AND, if you keep thinking that you somehow have anything to do with the break-up, or any responsibility for the fixing of whatever went wrong, then you are ACCEPTING your scapegoat role. That is, you are letting Romeo be the director of the movie that is YOUR life.

 

Don't do it! Don't take on that role!!! You didn't audition for it; it's not a part that you want to play in someone else's life's drama.

 

That said. Romeo's psychology is such that you have to let him go. You do NOT need people in your life who would scapegoat you for their own faults and failings and defects.

 

STOP wanting him in your life. STOP inviting him to things. STOP worrying about him. He needs to take care of his own wrong beliefs and wrong self-perceptions that are telling him that he can "download" his responsibility for how his life ends up, onto otherwise innocent victims (his scapegoats).

 

It's difficult when it happens in a friendship. But this guy has stopped seeing you as a friend so much as, as...his scapegoat. Screw that. Don't accept that status for yourself. Let him go. Let him go find other people who are willing to put themselves down, and feel guilty, and chase him for his inferior "friendship".

[whichwayisup]

(At the time, I thought maybe Romeo was upset because I didn't comfort him when he broke up with Juliet)

 

Why would he expect you to 'comfort' him? And why would think that you should? Guys don't want that kind of comfort when they are hurting, they hide and stay quiet until they're ready to come out and play again.

then took the opportunity and ask are you avoiding me. According to Romeo, he said I remind him too much of Juliet since I was the mutual friend. I was like Oh... Okay (In my mind I was thinking, could've at least told me that instead of letting me figure it).

 

Yes, he should have let you know. But, now you know. It sucks and but he is entitled to feel this way, you remind him of the ex. Maybe it's too soon and somewhere in the future he'll come around again. You should have given him some space... Instead you pestered him. You've created some drama here by reaching out to him when you know he doesn't want to be around you.

 

Few days later, last Saturday, I've asked him do you still want to come for the New Year party (on fb), because if you are I need to organize food and beverages. He ignored again... So I kinda got annoyed and wrote "I know you're avoiding me, I understand the reason. Although, don't you think it's rude to completely ignore me? Could at least write yes or no".

 

After I wrote that, he yet again didn't reply to the message. I was like okay then. Then the next day, my friend told me Romeo sent him a message. The message was "Can you tell "my name" stop being an *******! Everyone has their own ways on dealing with breakup! I'm not in the mood to deal with his neurotic bull****! Not that it matters, he didn't even help Juliet and I mend the relationship when he was the mutual friend!"

 

I asked my friend did I do something wrong all I did was tell him that he didn't need to completely ignore me. My friend was like "well, you're an emotionally stronger person, so I'll side with him". I was like huh?

 

I guess I don't understand why you'd invite him to your party when he already JUST told you he can't be around you. And then pressure him by saying you 'needed him' to organize food and beverages. That's A LOT to ask of someone who 1)isn't interested in friendship with you right now and 2)is grieving the loss of the break up.

 

He wants to be left alone, so respect that. Yes, he's been rude about it and should have told you right away that he needed space, he's handled it badly.

 

Let it go and focus on your other friends.

[rockmanmegaman]

Yeah, I don't really care about the friendship. It's just taht at the time I was extremely curious that's all because I didn't know what happen.

 

I guess I don't understand why you'd invite him to your party when he already JUST told you he can't be around you. And then pressure him by saying you 'needed him' to organize food and beverages. That's A LOT to ask of someone who 1)isn't interested in friendship with you right now and 2)is grieving the loss of the break up.

 

He wants to be left alone, so respect that. Yes, he's been rude about it and should have told you right away that he needed space, he's handled it badly.

 

Let it go and focus on your other friends.

 

Well I invited him because originally he asked me to organize the new year thing again, so I assume he still want to come but I need to make sure. I'm all for giving him space but honestly he's acting like a total bitch with the whole thing. He's blaming me for his breakup, and is blaming me that I didn't help in his relationship. Oh well, doesn't matter.

Edited November 19, 2014 by rockmanmegaman

[d0nnivain]

Romeo is wrong. You are a mutual friend not a mental health counselor. You had no obligation to take it upon yourself to fix their relationship, especially if no one asked you to.

 

Let Romeo go out of your life. You don't need him.

[Toodaloo]

Romeo sounds like bit of a drama queen.

 

Your better off with out him. I shouldn't bother trying any more.

[Sugarkane]

Romeo sounds like an idiot. You're NOT his ex, you're your own person. I've never heard this reason to dump a friend before.

[rockmanmegaman]

Well, I'm over it. Honestly, I was never really that good friends with him. We only started hanging out more when he hooked up with my friend, Juliet. So yeah, I'm over it now. Thanks guys.