nanabanana Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 This year I moved in with a friend. It was a new city for the both of us. First couple of weeks we hung out a lot, he asked me to join him and his new friends, everything was great. Slowly, that started to disappear. He started leaving the house very early in the morning, returning late at night, going out and about on trips and dinners without including me. I called him on it saying I was feeling hurt and let down but if he doesn't have time for me anymore or doesn't want me hanging out with his group of friends, that's fine - I'd just like to know for future reference. He apologized over and over again not really offering me any explanation other than that's just the way he is but he'll try to change. For a few weeks he was the sweetest most caring friend ever - and then he went back to his old ways. The annoying thing is - whenever he feels I'm not being my regular super friendly self (which I normally am, not just with him but with all the people I consider my good friends) - he'll start sending me texts, messages, contacting me all the time. I'm kind of tired of it to be honest, especially since I've already explained to him his behavior had hurt me. I have other friends and have no problem shutting him out of my life in that respect - but I don't know what to do when he starts contacting me all the time - clearly looking for a validation that everything is okay - when it's not. He is prone to feeling depressed and has to be in the center of attention(he says it himself) - something I don't really have a problem with- I know it's more about him being "cool" with his new friends than anything else (also, if I do get invited to do stuff it is because his friends want me there - which makes the whole situation even more strange). His closest friend here is leaving soon and I honestly don't want to become the shoulder to cry on once he is gone. I feel I have explained myself numerous times and I'm tired of sitting around, making him feel guilty and make myself feel rejected. Could you please help me to get out of the situation without creating drama? Thank you in advance. N. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Are you male or female? If you're female, he doesn't need to drag a women around when he's trying to meet women out. If you're male, you're awfully demanding. Friends don't make a commitment like you do if you're engaged or something. They come and go and do things by themself and with others and don't need to be with you all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nanabanana Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Thanks for your reply even though I don't agree with anything you've actually said. I'm a girl, and I don't want to hang out with my friend all the time. It's not called dragging, I'm more than capable of socializing on my own with his friends, which is what I've been doing. As difficult as it might be to comprehend, when a friend I care about starts ditching me, I feel hurt. What bothers me is when he's sad or in a bad mood - I'm the one he comes too, but when he is out and about having fun - I'm usually the last person he thinks of. And the second I try to "move on" and hang out with other people, he starts contacting me all the time. I do actually care about how my friends treat me and I don't appreciate being used for emotional support. Yes, I give a lot to my friends and I expect a lot in return. I don't expect him to spend every waking minute of his life with me but completely leaving me out of it is another thing. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Are you interested in him at all romantically? Just sounds a bit like you're emotionally attached to him. With that said, stop being his doormat. You know he comes to you when he needs you but isn't hanging out with you that much (it's all on his terms), so either accept that you two aren't great friends, more like buddies and go on with your life, friends and do whatever. You're not obligated to look after him and be there for him when he's down and out. He certainly chooses when he spends time with you and when he doesn't, you do the same. When you're out, don't answer his texts or calls, when asks later, say you were busy and couldn't talk on the phone. He seems like one of those guys, the more you try to communicate with him, the more he'll turn the other way and shut you out. He sounds immature actually and doesn't sound like much of a 'real' friend to you, you seem to be a better friend to him. Lower your expectations, don't hope to be invited out with him and his buddies, he's chosen to keep that separate from you so just bond and spend time with your friends... And think maybe it's time to move in with some women friends, not a guy. Just makes things a little simpler and you probably would be happier too. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 It does seem as though you have feelings for him. I read most of your OP thinking that you were a guy. I think you should try reading it again, this time pretending a man is telling that story. That might make it easier for you to see that you have higher expectations of him than a regular friend would. Anyway, regardless of any romantic feelings you might have for him, you're almost behaving like you have no say in this friendship. You said, "I have other friends and have no problem shutting him out of my life in that respect - but I don't know what to do when he starts contacting me all the time - clearly looking for a validation that everything is okay - when it's not." So if you're fine with shutting him out, why do you change your mind when he starts paying attention to you? You're not obligated to validate him. And this: "His closest friend here is leaving soon and I honestly don't want to become the shoulder to cry on once he is gone." So don't become his shoulder to cry on. Just disengage. Don't be there if he needs you. He's not that kind of friend. You're not powerless, you're just choosing for some reason to follow him along as he calls all the shots in the friendship. You don't have to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nanabanana Posted November 8, 2014 Author Share Posted November 8, 2014 I have to say I am surprised that you guys seem to think the only reason I could possibly be offended by my friend's behavior is because I have feelings for him. I do indeed- I honestly cared about him as a friend and invested myself in the friendship the way I do in all my friendships - and when my friends make me feel like I don't matter and like I'm constantly their last resort - I get sad and hurt. That said, he's continued with his behavior and I guess it is up to me now to omit the validation. I think I'll just tell him I can't be his friend anymore. Honestly, I'm not sure I would want to be friends with people who approach friendships so casually. I actually have a few really good friends and they'd never do this to me. Friendship like any relationship requires constant tending to - otherwise it dies away. And friends are important, no? Anyways, thank you for your replies. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 I have to say I am surprised that you guys seem to think the only reason I could possibly be offended by my friend's behavior is because I have feelings for him. I should clarify that I do think his behavior was hurtful, and that it would be hurtful for anyone whether or not there were romantic feelings involved. I think most people's reactions when a friend is being distant would either be, "He must be busy lately. We'll catch up whenever," or, "Eff this, I'm done with him." Not repeatedly telling them that they're hurting your feelings and expecting them to change their behavior. You just seemed overly invested in him. So I think the easiest conclusion to jump to was that you had romantic feelings for him. Since that's not the case, then ask yourself why wasn't it easier for you to think, "It appears we're not as close as I thought we were" and adjust your expectations accordingly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 9, 2014 Share Posted November 9, 2014 he is prolly going to lap-dancing clubs and all that, he comes back to you when he is done with them, he does not want to confide in you and if that upsets you, you will have to accept it anyway Link to post Share on other sites
Author nanabanana Posted November 9, 2014 Author Share Posted November 9, 2014 I should clarify that I do think his behavior was hurtful, and that it would be hurtful for anyone whether or not there were romantic feelings involved. I think most people's reactions when a friend is being distant would either be, "He must be busy lately. We'll catch up whenever," or, "Eff this, I'm done with him." Not repeatedly telling them that they're hurting your feelings and expecting them to change their behavior. You just seemed overly invested in him. So I think the easiest conclusion to jump to was that you had romantic feelings for him. Since that's not the case, then ask yourself why wasn't it easier for you to think, "It appears we're not as close as I thought we were" and adjust your expectations accordingly. Thank you for your clarification. My initial reaction was "eff this, I'm done with him" but as I stated in my first post, every time I try to distance myself from him, he comes seeking me out, being really nice and sweet and I like it and I fall for it. I'm new to the city, left so many amazing friends behind and very often I'm afraid of being lonely. I've known him for a while and it's so easy to relax around him. Unfortunately, I've noticed that lately even when he is spending time with me, it's only on his terms, and he'll very often include snide and mean comments that would normally go right over my head with some of my closest friends and I'd consider them harmless teasing, but with him it just bothers me. For example, for my birthday I didn't even get a card from him, and then he told me he wanted to bring a piece of cake for one of his classmate's bday, a classmate he had met not even a month before that and was not close to at all. Stuff like that just makes me think he's so comfortable around me he doesn't even try to be nice anymore... so why not ditch him? Because I'm a sucker for people's misery. He'll have days when he's really depressed, and all I want to do is help him. One day I was out with a friend all day having a wonderful day, I came home and found him all miserable and lonely and ended up spending the whole night with him, just talking and making him feel better about himself. I just need advice on how to break this vicious cycle...I've been giving him the cold treatment for a few days now after he, for no reason at all, told me "I appreciate your friendship but I could do without it" - in a jokey way - he figured out that had hurt me, so he was super active on my social networks for a few days commenting and liking everything, I'm still being quite dismissive but not sure I can last... Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 (edited) i think you should develop a hobby, all this focus on the workings of a room-mate's psyche does not add up, it would with a husband your deal is cheap accomodation, tbh, i think you had better grab the nearest book, an instant hobby, he hinted strongly that he does not want your friendship, just be a room-mate Edited November 25, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted November 25, 2014 Share Posted November 25, 2014 I would distance myself from him. He knows how you feel and doesn't change? Link to post Share on other sites
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