Childhood friend - has an affair

[BlameItOnTheRain]

I have a friend, whom I've known for about 25 years. Her husband, is also a long-time friend. I have known him for about 22 years.

 

She told me that she had an affair with her co-worker (and husband's friend). It put me in an awkward position, as I'm genuinely friends with both of them. I vowed, however, not to tell the husband as it wasn't my place. Back in April, though, I slipped to one of our close friends, and just recently my friend who had the affair found out.

 

Now, she's trying to turn our close-knit group of friends against me, and she's giving me the silence treatment. I was in the wrong for letting it slip, but she needs to be accountable regarding the initial affair. This wasn't a one-time thing; this affair went on for months and months.

 

This feels (to me) like petty, high school drama. I don't need it. Opening my mouth was a mistake - and lying to her when asked (months ago) if I had told anyone was wrong too. But when does she get held accountable for her actions?

 

Thoughts?

[NJ123]

I'd aware the husband what she did in that situation since he's your friend, also since it seems she's trying to ruin your relationships with your friends over something she did. If someone was trying to **** with the relationships with my friends like that, I'd personally aware the husband.

Edited November 3, 2014 by NJ123

[cerridwen]

 

This feels (to me) like petty, high school drama. I don't need it. Opening my mouth was a mistake - and lying to her when asked (months ago) if I had told anyone was wrong too. But when does she get held accountable for her actions?

 

Thoughts?

 

I dont think you should concern yourself with if/when she gets her comeuppance.

Wishing such a thing just perpetuates the ugly gossipy feelings swirling around this situation. Leave it to her and her spouse.

 

Good on you for taking responsibility for your part of things.

I think your energy is best spent restoring your reputation.

How to do that?

Demonstrate that you won't continue to create drama or share confidences.

It will take time but it's a worthwhile endeavour.

[almond]

You're both in the wrong.

 

She is in the wrong for cheating on her husband and all that comes with it, which we don't need to get into. It's disgusting behaviour.

 

You're in the wrong for leaking this information to anyone that wasn't her husband, and then lying to her face about it.

 

You also betrayed the husband - if he truly was your friend as you say, you owed it to him to tell him directly, or say nothing at all - not spread this information about his marriage so that others can gossip about it. Poor guy, sounds like everyone knew before he did.

 

You needed to make a decision as to tell or not to tell at the start. You went about this the wrong way, and broke trust. You weren't a good friend to either of them in this instance.

 

How exactly is she trying to turn your group of friends against you? Is she lying to them? Twisting the story? Or is she just angry that you betrayed her, and is sharing the story? Tell your friends your side, and whatever will be will be.

 

Take it as a lesson and move past it. All the best.

[O'Malley]

I think that you reacted in a manner that many people would when put in such an awkward position by their friend. You can be a loyal friend, but a lot of that goes out the window when your friend reveals such negative attributes...the way that she's treating her husband and you, to a lesser degree.

 

At this point, it's better to leave her and her husband's situation alone and focus on other aspects of your life. The friendship is untenable - it's sad and telling that she's putting her energy into damage control, rather than taking responsibility for the mess she's made of her marriage - so the best you can do is stay well away the from the accusations, rumors and eventual fallout.

Edited November 5, 2014 by O'Malley