don't know what to think

[d0nnivain]

I have this "friend" who I thought wrote me out of her life.

 

We last spoke in April. I had called her looking for support. She practically hung up on me after saying that because her life is such a mess it's unfair of me to expect her to deal with my high class problems.

 

I was hurt but got the message & backed off. In early August I mailed a birthday card to her home but never got an acknowledgement. A few weeks later I found something I thought I lost years ago but that I knew she wanted so I called and left her a message that I had it & to let me know where she'd like it sent.

 

Today she called me. Told me she cried when she heard my voice & wondered why I hadn't responded to the text messages she sent me. I told her I didn't get any texts. She verbally shrugged non-noncommittally. To me it felt like she knew that she hadn't sent me messages.

 

She then proceeded to tell me her latest tales of woe. I dutifully listened. When she asked about my life I didn't say a single good thing & only shared 2-3 bad things because I was afraid of another tirade. I also didn't tell her about my health issues because I didn't want to hear how whatever is wrong with her is worse.

 

I will send her the thing I found but basically I have no intention of ever reaching out to her again because it's not worth it. She hadn't added value to my life in years so I'd rather just fade away but I will respond if she reaches out.

 

I have posted about her before. Confronting her feels like kicking her when she's down.

 

Was I wrong to be suspicious when she said she texted me? Not getting one message I could understand but several?

 

Part of me feels like a bad friend because I'm not trying to save her but she's made it clear that she doesn't want my help.

[CarrieT]

I wouldn't feel bad - except for that known bad feeling of loss at what could have been...

 

You have been more than dutiful in your attempts to reach out and been more of a friend to her than she has been to you. There comes a point where one has to remove one's millstones.

 

Condolences, though - I know it still hurts.

[I am Bud]

Dear d0nnivain

 

Friendships are just like any other relationships in that requires the efforts and participation of two people in order to work. From the sounds of things the latest interaction that you had with her just confirmed that your friendship has run it's course. Whilst you have been willing to support her during her toughest times she has blatently made it clear that she won't provide this support in return. If you were to continue on with this friendship you would soon find yourself mentally and emotionally exhausted because you would be the person giving your time and support and she would be the person taking and receiving it. Any relationship or friendship that is based on such an imbalance has no chance of surviving. Even now when it appears that the relationship has run it's course, you are still being a good friend to her by keeping your doors open. She has to learn to appreciate and cherish your friendship from her side before you decide to reach out to her. She knows where to find you if or when she is ready.

 

Regards - Bud.

[todreaminblue]

what I am bud said times two donnivain......takes two to nurture any kind of relationship......in saying that i am also the type to keep my doors open and randomly reach out......the other reason why she could have been non committal about the text messages is she could think that you got them and arent telling the truth also......but wants to let it go.....i am more likely to believe she didnt send them to you too......

 

 

with friends who dont give the same amount of effort i do or make any effort other when they need help....i give the help they need or ear they require to listen....and i maintain distance.....in that i dont share of myself......until i feel they are actually interested......or could handle knowing about me...or really want me as a friend..not many can so i dont develop close friendships easily even though it seems i have quite a few friends i can rely on ....i really dont......they are aquaintances.......who rely on me.....i rely on myself.....or i talk to god about my intimate problems that are close to my heart......

 

be there for her if she needs you to be...forgive her for the way she is......dont rely on her.....but seeing you do understand the concept of friendship being a caring relationship.....be the one who is a true friend....as you are......dont change your ways...because hers suck.......even when it rather hurts that no effort is made on her behalf...dont change who you are......

 

i read somewhere that true friends are friends who have learned how to be friends by being alone and having no friends.....maybe she has realized ....how to be a true friend.....and maybe she realized to recognise who a true friend was to her.....and thats you donnivain...she reached out to you.....deb.......

[whichwayisup]

I have this "friend" who I thought wrote me out of her life.

 

We last spoke in April. I had called her looking for support. She practically hung up on me after saying that because her life is such a mess it's unfair of me to expect her to deal with my high class problems.

 

I was hurt but got the message & backed off. In early August I mailed a birthday card to her home but never got an acknowledgement. A few weeks later I found something I thought I lost years ago but that I knew she wanted so I called and left her a message that I had it & to let me know where she'd like it sent.

 

Today she called me. Told me she cried when she heard my voice & wondered why I hadn't responded to the text messages she sent me. I told her I didn't get any texts. She verbally shrugged non-noncommittally. To me it felt like she knew that she hadn't sent me messages.

She then proceeded to tell me her latest tales of woe. I dutifully listened. When she asked about my life I didn't say a single good thing & only shared 2-3 bad things because I was afraid of another tirade. I also didn't tell her about my health issues because I didn't want to hear how whatever is wrong with her is worse.

 

I will send her the thing I found but basically I have no intention of ever reaching out to her again because it's not worth it. She hadn't added value to my life in years so I'd rather just fade away but I will respond if she reaches out.

 

I have posted about her before. Confronting her feels like kicking her when she's down.

 

Was I wrong to be suspicious when she said she texted me? Not getting one message I could understand but several?

 

Part of me feels like a bad friend because I'm not trying to save her but she's made it clear that she doesn't want my help.

 

She did not text you. That's pure BS.

 

Cut her out of your life and be done with her. She's rude and toxic, causes you stress. A real and true friend would NEVER say " because her life is such a mess it's unfair of me to expect her to deal with my high class problems." when you reached out for help, let alone hang up on you. WTF.

 

You tried to reach to her and nothing happened. She didn't even say thank you or acknowledge the bday card you sent her.

 

Be done and close the door.

[preraph]

I echo the sentiments of the posters above. People do change as they age. Sometimes they even develop mental issues they never had before that make friendship dysfunctional or impractical. You have more than done your duty. She has utterly failed in her duty as a supporting friend and also revealed herself to be resentful of whatever success you have in life. So this is not someone you can count as a friend going forward. I'm so sorry. It pains me to lose friends. I was lucky once and got a new friend the same day I lost an old friend, so miracles do happen. But right now I too am wishing I could find replacements for friends who fail but not very hopeful. I do believe in working to maintain relationships, but it has to be a two-way street.

[Toodaloo]

You know what. No matter how bad life has been for me I have never once told any of my friends not to share their burdens with me. Not once.

 

 

She is using you because you are nice.

 

 

I had a "friend" like this. It hurt like hell for a really long time. But when I accepted it I felt as though a weight had been lifted. I was a total sucker as my bank balance also started going up and I had no idea why... That was the only "change" in my life!!!

 

 

If its worth anything this girl did some horrid things that I just "took" before she beggared off. Last Christmas she started trying to get back in touch again... I suspect she is bored or wanted something. After all last time she came back it wasn't friendship she wanted but someone she could walk all over... Gullible me fell for it again... This time I decided not to.

 

 

It does hurt. I think it hurts as much as losing a partner, as your friends are the ones that you let close. Don't let this one close again. If she calls again and you speak to her I should just listen and not comment on either your situation or hers.

 

 

Its better to have one or two really great friends than a whole heap of people that will let you down.

[Haydn]

Don, it sounds like you have been a very good friend but your friend seems a bit fair-weather and needs you when times are tough. You did your best, just keep it cordial for now. Best of luck.

[baRx]

When she asked about my life I didn't say a single good thing & only shared 2-3 bad things because I was afraid of another tirade.

 

Why didn't you bring up anything good about yourself? If you were afraid of another tirade, why would you keep talking about the bad things going on in your life?

 

You know, I understand you were hurt when she blew up about not wanting to deal with your problems, but the idea that I'm getting here is that you're way more negative than positive and she eventually got tired of having to deal with listening to it... and now, after not speaking to her for months, you go and do the same thing all over again.

 

Next time you talk to her, try being more positive and try talking about good things... even if you have to make some up just to sound less negative. People want to be around happy people and don't want to constantly deal with someone's emotional garbage trucks.

 

That also goes for you! You shouldn't get stuck listening to everyone's problems, either.

 

Just a thought.

[me85]

Pat yourself on the back for being a good lad and move on. What have you done wrong? Nota. Not by the story you told anyway. So to heck with it. She sounds very self absorbed and with friends like that who needs friends? Am I right, or am I right?