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Unsure of how to make friends


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Many moons ago I realized that I had chosen a sort of dark (or fruitless) path in life, where I was friends with people who continually made poor choices, blamed others, used people, etc. I had become like this and ended up in some major drama/turmoil that caused me to reevaluate my life. After seeking guidance from a life coach, I made a plan to leave that all behind and create a new life for myself. This involved moving, going back to school, getting a new job, new house, changing my number, emails, etc - basically starting over completely from scratch. And I did this and I would say successfully in most aspects. This was done in my mid-late 20s and I am now mid-30s.

 

The one area I can't figure out is making real friends. I do have many office friends but we don't talk outside of the office (nor would it be appropriate to due to our positions). I also have some close family members that I think of as good friends. But as far as having someone to call or go to dinner with, I have no one. I haven't received a "Friend" phone call in years. I don't even have anyone I can think of to call.

 

When I meet people I often am afraid that they will judge me on having this huge gaping hole in my life and this murky area of my past. This also is a red flag for guys. I think it is a red flag in my own head too & often wonder if I am somehow fatally flawed beyond recovery. I have been letting romantic relationships take the place of friendship which is terribly selfish & unfair to the guy and I do not want to do this anymore.

 

So I've tried the normal routes - trying to make friends off my acquaintances or family members, volunteering, joining social and professional groups, trying to find a hobby, I even posted on a new to town / friendship site online when I moved here. But no luck over the long run. One problem is that everyone seems to have those friends since childhood or college friends and everyone they meet after 30 seems to be put into a secondary category. But also it's like everyone is so busy that making time for anything seems impossible. The thing is it's like everyone has their core friends, people in every socioeconomic group, people who are "good" or "bad", people in every walk of life,, with every intelligence level, even people who are incredibly difficult or unsavory. Except me. Does anyone else feel this way & if so - do you accept it & focus on other areas of life or have you found a way to change it?

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To be honest as we grow older. Its harder to establish links and ties for friends.

 

The reason? We`re already in our established social groups.

 

I was very much like you 5 years ago until I joined something called City Socialising in my city. It was VERY hard at first as a lot of people I didnt click with but one night while I was there I clicked with 5 people. That was back in 2011 and now we see each other every week as a group.

 

I ve now joined a group called "Meetup". I havent met ANY new people since 2011 so you have to keep going and becoming a regular so people can get to know you.

 

If you cant do that then start having nights out with work colleagues. My company sometimes has nights out, and I ve met some closer acquaintences who eventually became my friends.

 

Good luck.

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I agree it's a lot harder the older you get. I'm needing to make new local friends right now because a couple of my old friends have really disappointed me lately. I am not much of a meetup person, but I looked and didn't find any meetup that fit my criteria. One came close but excluded my age group. Plus I hate they mostly insist you put a photo on their website. I don't want everyone knowing my business like that.

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Making friends can be hard. I'm sorta lucky that I have friends whom I went to high school with, friends I've made at University and friends I made from playing cricket. Although I don't see any set friends regularly, aside from my closest 3 whom I gym with regularly, it's good to know that I have a wide range of friends with different interests.

 

Although I have started to lose contact with a lot of friends in recent times, which is also perfectly normal and understandable.

 

I would suggest playing a sport. There is something about running around and working together with a group of guys or girls that forms bonds. If you are good at any sport, give it a go. It's the best advice I can recommend. Even if you dont make close friends out of it, it will distract you a little being in a social situation.

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  • 3 weeks later...

When I meet people I often am afraid that they will judge me on having this huge gaping hole in my life and this murky area of my past.

 

One problem is that everyone seems to have those friends since childhood or college friends and everyone they meet after 30 seems to be put into a secondary category. But also it's like everyone is so busy that making time for anything seems impossible. The thing is it's like everyone has their core friends, people in every socioeconomic group, people who are "good" or "bad", people in every walk of life,, with every intelligence level, even people who are incredibly difficult or unsavory.

 

This has been my experience also! As I turn 30 it feels like people are not looking or willing to put effort into making new friends. It's not their fault really but for people like me and you I guess it sucks.

I'm not sure how to build a very close friendship at out age apart from being a romantic relationship.

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jb82, trying to find a hobby? Um...that's not how that works. You have to have strong interests in things you like and pursue those things, not sort of try to dig up some new stuff you may or may not be into. If your heart isn't in it, you're not going to have that spark of chemistry with someone who really is into it.

 

You said you have office friends but I get the feeling you want real friends and there's such a drastic difference. Office friends are just the people from work you tolerate and can talk to and just do because...well, you're all stuck with each other. It's like prison only more polite and no gangs. Being polite, having small talk and even going out together for lunch is just a way to stay sane in that environment.

 

Real friends you either have that spark of chemistry with (so similar to being in love and how everything just flows so easily between you) or you share a common interest the two of you (or whole group) feel very strongly about.

 

The Meetup situation is a great example of putting yourself out there to be 'found' by people you otherwise would never meet. If you don't have the time or energy to devote to a charity, get out there for something short term. In my area, once in a while we have a volunteer beach cleanup day and those are great!

 

Your best bet is to keep getting yourself out there in the thick of things to be found by the right people.

 

Also, one of my very best friends I absolutely adore I met through a mutual friend who knew we'd have a spark so he introduced us. That was about 8 years ago now. One of my other best friends I met over 20 years ago through a mutual friend. So getting those initial friends going can kick open lots of doors to even more solid friendships that last forever.

 

Being that I'm an old bag now :rolleyes:, that would mean I met one of my best, closest friends at around 32. Age does make a difference but it's nearly an illusion and not what it first seems to be. Because it turns out that all that old high school age nonsense goes by the wayside as people get older and they start being much more open to being friends with people they wouldn't have even considered 10 or 20 years ago. I'm guilty of this myself, actually. I didn't realize it until just now but some of my best friends are people I wouldn't have given a second glance years ago.

 

I wouldn't try to find a new hobby but rather just get out there, get out there, take a nap, get back out there and don't stop putting yourself around people until you start meeting people that just bring all sorts of great things out in you and even then, don'tstop putting yourself out there!!

 

Be friendly, social and open to new things and new ideas. Seeing something through the eyes of someone else who is enthusiastic and excited by something you're unfamiliar with is the best way to pick up new hobbies. And hours and hours of conversations will naturally flow if someone is excited to explain something to you that you're new to and interested in.

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