Kitkat44 Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 One of my childhood friends came over to see how I was. I had a lot of traumatic things happens in the past few years, but fought through them and put them in my past. She told me she had stage 3 cancer and had a year and a half to live. I was too emotional to ask what kind, I have never had to deal with this situation before. She was the first friend in the city I moved to. Not the best kind, but one who was accepting and didn't judge. She has lied to me in the past, but also help me. She has put me front and center on conflicts, most of the time was because others didn't like her and didn't like me because I was her friend. She is a schemer, but has never done that to me that I know of. She has never asked me for money or buy things for her. If I loaned something to her, it came back (except for a $15 bracelet, but 1 out of 10 times is not terribly bad). She looks like she has lost a ton of weight. I know she has done drugs, but I don't know if she is still on them. She wanted to apologize to me for being a bad friend, a death of a loved one in my family, and a natural disaster and not being there to help. Those are the past and I know she has gone through much worse. She has always been a fighter, but when she told me she didn't want to get treatment because she had no reason to live, it hurt. I told her that. I begged her to seek treatment. I told her that there is no reason to give up, she can still better herself. She did ask if there is anything I can do to help, and I told her I can only provide emotional support. I am probably one of the few friends that has never kicked her to the curb. What signs should I look for to make sure she isn't pulling the wool over my eyes? Right now I am a bit emotional, so it is going to take awhile for my logical rational sign to kick in. I'm not going to give her money, but I can take her to a doctor or treatment center if I can convince her. I'm very lost, confused, and emotional. Help me please! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 What signs should I look for to make sure she isn't pulling the wool over my eyes? If you consider her a friend, simply roll with the real within your own boundaries. Give what you feel positive about giving without expectation or analysis. Right now I am a bit emotional, so it is going to take awhile for my logical rational sign to kick in. That's OK. It's a process. I'm not going to give her money, but I can take her to a doctor or treatment center if I can convince her. Good idea. I've got a close female friend who's stage 4 and in chemo and the chemo trips (driving herself) are often problematical. Fortunately, she has family to help. I dealt with it when my mom had breast cancer and was demented at the same time, so needed transport. Getting around is a big deal. Keep that on the table. Simply ask. I'm very lost, confused, and emotional. Help me please! My advice is to take it one day at a time. She's a friend, not your whole life. If today is a bad day, that's OK. Tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 What signs should I look for to make sure she isn't pulling the wool over my eyes? Right now I am a bit emotional, so it is going to take awhile for my logical rational sign to kick in. I'm not going to give her money, but I can take her to a doctor or treatment center if I can convince her. I'm very lost, confused, and emotional. Help me please! Offer to take her to the Dr's and hospital if she is getting treatment. Do you know any of her family members? If so, they would know about the cancer and you could just tell them how awful it is that she has this horrible disease.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitkat44 Posted August 23, 2014 Author Share Posted August 23, 2014 I do know her family. Bad blood is between them unfortunately. She hasn't told them yet. My goal is for her to tell them and begin the next step towards healing. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Asking you for help if she really is sick doesn't have to mean monetary. She will need lots of care, someone to take her to chemo, etc. So if you can do that, that's what you should volunteer for, but no money. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 23, 2014 Share Posted August 23, 2014 Another example of 'help' was, when a friend and her H were dealing with C, hiring a maid service to come in once a week and help out. That weekly tidy and clean took the pressure off and allowed focus on the treatment and recovery process without feeling the house was crashing down around them. I did it for a couple months until things got better. That was back before I was married and had plenty of disposable income. Nowadays, I might show up myself to do the cleaning! That's one example of giving money without really giving money. With friends who have cancer, and I've had a number of them, including two now deceased, I found just spending time with them was the most appreciated gift, even if only briefly. Such illness can be incredibly lonely. Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 My best advice is approach it as that she does have cancer. It is her choice to get treatment or not. Some people simply do not want to go through it. I can tell you right now if I was told I had terminal cancer I would get a second opinion. From there if both doctors agreed it was terminal and I only had 1-2 years to live I would not touch treatment. I watched my aunt die of brain cancer. She went through treatment and it was horrible to watch. I simply would not want to put myself through it. I've always been a firm believer in believing someone until they give you reason not too. Even if they are not honest people. But what I do with dishonest people.. I do not give them more then I am comfortable with... I wont spend money on them and so on. Link to post Share on other sites
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