My 3 Friends Case Study

[Mysterio]

I am having a problem with 3 friends. I don't know what to do. Its like I am not happy in the state of friendship with them. I have other friends. Yet it really bothers me on a daily basis that this is happening. I wish I could tune this out. The most I would want to spend/interact with #1 and #2 is evey 2 months or so and # 3 once a month. I just don't like the way they have been towards me recently.

 

Friend #1. Calls me to borrow money. Takes a long time to pay it back and is inaccessible by phone/txt/Fbook. The only way for me to now get in touch with him is to go to his house. I lent him 300. Do I go to his house and talk to him about this, or let it go?

 

Friend #2. We met in HS. I worked for his mother. She passed away in 2001. I went to the funeral. His Dad died 6 months after. I went to the after funeral get together at his house. I have always been there. He has a Business and he just recently moved. His only contact with me is through txt/FBook. He has yet to call me and leave a message on the phone. Every year we have less contact. When we get together. There is no apparent problem with us that I see. I get along with his wife. This year only a Fbook B-day message from him to me. Thats it. Do I just bite the bullet and just get in touch with him or do I let it go.

 

Friend #3. This year I suggested that we get together once a month. Things were ok. We stopped this in July due to him volunteering for a 2 week annual theater festival where they put on various plays for a week. For some reason. He can't seem to call me to just even check in and see how I am. yet he has an out of town friend who he talks to every week. I find with Mr.3. Our friendship has gone from being personalble to each other to more locked into Digital entertainment. Its like if it does not have anything to do with The Web/TV/Video Games. We have nothing to talk about on his side. Mr. 3 has done this with other friends as well. I don't know what is his problem. Its like he wants to coast in friendship and not make any effort on his part.

 

What is my problem. Whey does this bother me. Its not like if all three moved away from my town, I would be heart broken. I have at least 10 other friends that I socialize with. Am I a control freak?

[Ronni_W]

Am I a control freak?

No, you are not a control freak...at least, not about this.

 

These three, you can safely relegate to 'acquaintance' status. Where they may have been friends in the past, that is no longer the case. It might happen again in the future, but it is not the present.

 

Hopefully it has only been bothering your brain because you never consciously updated it on the current, true status.

[Mysterio]

Thanks Ronnie. I guess that's what happens in life. People change status. Funny. I have a friend and his wife. We were friends while they dated/married/had kids. Nothing has changed and I talk to them minimum of 3 times a month. They invite me to 90 % of their social activities. I even went to their other friends wedding.

 

I guess that's the way it is. The only thing I can think is that Mr. 2/3 are computer guys. The internet is really memorizing. I feel like its more that they have blocked me out. Mr.1 as least does not have that problem.

 

I guess I have to accept it. I don't know why I am so hyper sensitive lately. I had a co-worker that committed suicide. We were good work friends and we were on a personable basis. out of all of them Mr. 3 is the one that I don't really get.

 

Its not like he is always busy. Its just that in my mind for him to call any of his friends its a chore. Yet he is a homebody that plays video games/tv/online games. Even if he got one of on the phone. Its not like he is going to be on with us for 3 hrs. The most is 10 to 20 minutes. Once again. I just don't want to feel like I am chasing him to do things. I on my side have really got to let all of this go. Its not like I don't have other friends or even my brother to do things with. Or do things on my own.

[potsticker]

#1 thinks you're his wallet.

 

#2 old friend but his life is taking turns that might not fit you into it (or perhaps he doesn't have the energy to fit you into it)

 

#3 friends might share hobbies, but people who share hobbies aren't always friends. Sometimes the hobby is all that keeps them together. The term "friend" is pretty misleading and ambiguous these days.

[CC12]

Am I a control freak?

 

Yeah, a little. Maybe not "controlling," just that you expect a bit too much from your friends. Friend #1 is excluded in this because he's not your friend due to the fact that he allowed the friendship to end because he didn't want to give you your 300 bucks back. You paid $300 to get a ****ty person out of your life. A bargain, really.

 

With #2, it sounds like a natural drifting apart. It happens with a lot of people. He seems pretty busy with the move, the business, the wife, and maybe some kids? If you want to get in touch with him, you should. This seems like one of those "the phone goes both ways" situations.

 

Friend #3 just sounds like kind of a boring friend to spend time with. It's probably nothing personal. I'm not sure what kind of effort you expect from him? Sometimes you have to accept friends as they are, or just...don't be friends with them anymore.

[FoolishMan]

The term "friend" is pretty misleading and ambiguous these days.

 

This is a very true statement! A real friend gives and takes, is there in times of need for emotional support, keeps in touch regularly in one way or another and obviously there to share the good times too. I dare say that a person only really has of 2-3 REAL friends, everyone else is a past friend or an acquaintance. It really annoys me that people deem Facebook as some kind of standard for friendship! I would say it is just a portal for people to either get attention or to positively snoop at other people.

 

I feel that OP needs to recognise that people and friendships change and it is nothing to do with you. If you feel these people are not putting in the legwork to maintain a friendship, then it is best to let them drift!

 

Earlier this year, I made the effort to connect with a really good and close friend at school. We exchanged emails but it soon became clear I was doing more work. I left it and not heard from him since. I don't blame him, just accept that we have both moved on in life.

[Mysterio]

Mr. 1 has his cell/home/business # flooded so no one can leave a message. I did go buy his other house where he takes care of special needs people, so I don't know why there is this murkiness with getting in contact with him.

 

The Home phone is flooded. He was sick a couple of yrs ago and they took his special need people away from him for a couple of months. So if that is the case why be this way. Its only $300. I lent it to him in April. I said he could pay me back in June. Anyways. His Truck was there. So He is at least showing up for work. I plan to go there around Monday and find out the scoop of is in-accessibility. All Mr. 1 has to do is ask for more time. The thing is that I have lent him money before and he has paid me back and given me a bump of $100 dollars more than I lent him.

 

His wife works. Its not like he could not afford to pay me back $100 every second month or so. He either pays me back and our friendship is good, except I will be weary and not lend him money as readily. Or he does not and we are on the outs and its his conscious. I do believe I am one of his only close friends. Outside of me. I don't think his wife would call anyone if something happened to him.

 

Mr.2. To me he is not really that busy other than his computer business. He is about 6 to 12 minutes from my condo. So its not like we are on opposite ends of the city. I don't really see the big change. He has already been in his house for at least 9 months. Its just that when I try to interact with him with a phone call. He responds by Txt/Facebook message.

 

When we do meet up. I will just ask him what the problem is. Its not work as he is the boss and there was no major problem. Its not like when we get together there is some big major shift in what we do. Its just that the lack of time together is jarring.

 

Mr. 3 is the one that bothers me the most. As I don't see why that I and some of his other friends. Have to really be on him to do things with. It not just me. He is like this with two other friends as well. Its like for some reason. He can't pick up the phone and call us and see how we are doing, unless its been an exteem amount of time. We usually cater to his comfort zone. We don't even do things that he is not into. He has been this way since 2010. I have talked to him about this. I don't see what the problem is.

 

I have other friends that are technically more busy and still find the time to me and their other friends. I guess I find that since the two of us are about 15 minutes away from each other that not talking at least on the phone for 10- 20 minutes, every three weeks is strange. Yet he has an out of town friend that he talks to every week about their favorite show. The only major thing that Mr.3 has had happen to him is... He has had his house broken into 3 times. He stopped his major recreation. He has a GF, yet I don't think thats the issue. I just think he is super absorbed into his Digital entertainment. That is one pastime he can't just leave alone for awhile. I guess his out of town friend indulges in that past time with him. Where as I am not into that. My mind is more introspective and personable. I am bit more curious about how things are. Where as Mr. 3 is not from my stance. So when we get together. We struggle for conversation 50% of the time. Even though when we were on a regular basis, we only met up once a month for 2 hrs or so.

 

My problem is that I think that the suicide of my work friend really un-nerved me. So I am a bit hyper sensitive. Its like I don't want any ambiguity in my life. Its like you are a close friend or nothing. I don't want anyone in my life masquerading as a close friend if they are not. I don't want to chase anyone as well. I on my side have to let things go for awhile. I have way too much on my mind. I can't have every single situation go my way. I am starting to become inflexible.

[rester]

Friends fade away over time. One tip for keeping them around for decades is to not expect much of them. If you loan any money, think of it like a gift, so if they don't pay it back you're not bothered by it. If you can't afford to give a buddy money when he needs it, don't give it. A friend would understand that.

 

Expecting too much from people is setting yourself up for disappointment.

[Mysterio]

Mr.1 just left a message about paying me back. I guess we will see how this will turn out.