Sweeetie Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 (edited) Hi all, I'm being bothered with something and would like to ask the opinion of others. My best friend of 6 years has never put much effort into my birthday gift, but does for other friends who are less close to her. Now I know that first sentence might depict me as being selfish or greedy, but please read on to see why this is bothering me. I am a giving person and like to give people who are close to me special, personal gifts, especially for their birthday. For her birthday a couple of years ago I organised a large personalised canvas print to be made, showing a picture of herself and her grandmother (the dearest person in the world to her). The other years, I have got her nice items of clothing which I chose carefully because she is a massive fan of fashion. All that she has ever given me every year is a $5 pair of stud earrings or bracelet from the store down the road (and she has never seen me wear bracelets or studs), except for this one time that she did get me a calendar of her favourite TV show which I'm not even a fan of. She has been a good friend to me, maybe a bit on and off at times but this issue just makes me feel like she doesn't care very much, and it feels bad because I always put in a lot of effort into my friendship with her. I have always been there for her through everything, she confesses things to me about her recent breakup or other problems which she has never confessed to anyone except for 1 other person because she said I am one of her "bestest friends". And it's not that she's short on cash; all her handbags are either Prada or Louis Vuitton. I initially put it down to her just not being that much of a giving person / not seeing what the big deal with birthdays is all about, but the thing is that she gets her other friends really nice presents which she puts a lot of effort into. Last weekend she even asked me to go shopping with her to "help her choose a really nice present for another close friend" which she spent $20 on and she has known this person for less time than she has known me. I have never spoken to her about this, but it is bothering me a lot. Her birthday is coming up this week and I am wondering whether to lay off on the effort this time or to get her something nice as I always do? Thanks Edited August 18, 2014 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Clearly she cares more about impressing them than you. Sorry. The only way to get this friendship back in balance is for you to reciprocate with a very small gift as well. Anything else will make you look desperate and like you're trying to buy her love. It's never a good idea to give more than you get. It just causes resentments. Get her a small gift certificate or a small item of makeup. Stop rewarding her bad behavior and sending the message you want more out of the friendship than she does. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxmusical Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 I have a "best friend" like yours. A year back, I finally got tired of putting effort into treating her dinners for birthdays, while all she did was text me a "happy birthday" (not even a call!!!). So I've decided this year that was all I'm going to do - text her a "happy birthday" and make no mention of a birthday dinner (but I'm sure she'll have the nerve to ask "when are we meeting up for her birthday" while she never makes an effort to meet up in my birthday month). Friendship is about balance. Effort comes from both sides. If I were you, I would just get a small gift for your friend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Money spent on presents (especially when the difference is $15...) is not a big deal IMO, but if it bothers you then get her a small present of equal value. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted August 21, 2014 Share Posted August 21, 2014 Her birthday is coming up this week and I am wondering whether to lay off on the effort this time or to get her something nice as I always do? If you want to get her something nice, then go ahead. Giving gifts is not about what you get in return. It's not about comparing what she gives other people. I know it feels frustrating and hurtful, but I think that's because you've got the wrong mindset about gifts. Give her a gift if it makes you feel good to do so. If it stops feeling good, then don't. I'm not sure if this seems opposite to what I've said above, but if you start feeling negatively that someone doesn't appreciate your gifts, then there's no point in bothering. Also, just to give you something to consider: Do you show appreciation of her gifts? Do you wear the jewelry she gave you when you see her, even if you don't like it? Did you hang the calendar? Do you seem excited when you receive a cheap pair of earrings and do you say thank you? Because it's entirely possible that she might feel there's no point in bothering since you honestly don't like anything she's given you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 Updates, OP? What did you end up doing for her birthday? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 24, 2014 Share Posted August 24, 2014 Which is more important to you? The friendship itself and how two you are/relate to one another as best friends or her gift giving? Not sure how old you are, but why not make a rule, no gifts. This way you're not disappointed. Just because you tend to give a lot more than she does and you put more effort/thought into a gift doesn't mean she has to do the same. I have a few friends who are really crappy gift givers, holy cow, some of the things I've opened at Christmas or my bday blew me away (not in a good way either! lol) but I said thanks and gave my friend a hug. I wouldn't tell her unless this is a deal breaker for your friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted August 25, 2014 Share Posted August 25, 2014 Not sure how old you are, but why not make a rule, no gifts. I say go for this and abolish gifts. Gifts, which are supposed to be an altruistic pleasure, are obviously a measuring tool and source of angst in your relationship. I've seen and heard sooooo many friends do the agony of torturing themselves over what to buy, and then equating the value of a gift received with the value of relationship. It's just crazy! I don't do gifts for friends and family; either giving or receiving. A meal or drinks, absolutely. But I only buy gifts for my Mother and daughter. That's it. Also, gifts don't have anything to do with how giving a person is. There are far more meaningful measures of that IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted August 26, 2014 Share Posted August 26, 2014 My best friends and I don't always exchange gifts. When they do get me something, I am pleasantly surprised and usually get them something in return. None of us have ever gotten one another lavish gifts. Usually it is something small. If you feel you going above and beyond for her, just start getting her small tokens of equal value. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted September 1, 2014 Author Share Posted September 1, 2014 Thanks for your input guys. I have decided to give her something I had bought for another friend who disowned me as a friend a few months ago. My friend will like it because she likes the same kind of pink and sparkly stuff and I'll be able to get rid if it at last Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts