She has inadvertantly set me free

[FoolishMan]

The following thread details my experience:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/483185-she-knows-i-have-feelings-her-but-she-dismisses-them#post5776380

 

The long and short is that I have / had quite deep feelings for a friend but she only thinks of me as a friend and is after someone else. Naturally, I had a problem with this. For some reason, she always brings this guy up in our conversations and it made me squirm - I always thought she was cruel!

 

Recently, I have seemed to be able to put some distance in the friendship, which is good for me. Today, she again bought this guy up and I felt like I could listen to her. Basically, she is really "besotted" - her words with him but is unsure. I have never met him or laid eyes on a photo but my gut has always deemed this guy to be not all right!

 

Here are the facts according to my friend: The man is in his mid 30s, lived in the UK for over 10 years, married a British woman, had 4 kids with her. The marriage breaks down reputedly due to wife, he ends up leaving the UK for his origin in the middle East. Wife goes off with other man, they are divorcing! In the Mid East, this man is jobless and when my friend and him met up, she paid for everything! My friend claims that he is an honest and genuine man and she has fallen for him. She has met up with him a hand full of times and speaks daily (I think) to him over the net.

 

On hearing this, the facts seem to back up my gut that this guy cannot be trusted. He has (to me) effectively abandoned his kids, gone home. He is not seemingly involved with them and has no means or intention of supporting them. I got really heated in our conversation and said that she was cruising for disaster with this guy.

 

I kept spelling out the worst case scenarios to her and she kept defending him. My aim was to make her realize that her heart was ruling her head but it was not working as she kept insisting he was a great guy and deserved a chance she intended to give him. In all honesty, she might as well have stuck him fingers in her ears and went la-la-la!

 

The problem is, as we conversed, I could feel my feelings for her changing. I am now sitting here thinking my friend is a really naive idiot and I have lost a lot of respect for her. She came out of an abusive marriage a year ago and I figured she should be even more savvy with men! This kind of change has never happened to me so quickly - Am I being far too judgemental? I now don't know how to speak to her. I said that we should never speak about him again as we were on the verge of arguing! Her response was why not? She wants me to set her straight

[54JA]

I read your original post. I am glad to hear that you are hurting less. Your lady friend sounds like she is not making the wisest choices, but I think it's normal after a tough break up. People want to get rid of the pain and would do anything to relieve it, including jumping into another relationship before they have done the work to truly heal. They are very vulnerable. I would say be there for her, but this may not be possible because of your feelings for her.

 

When people are hurting, they make silly choices and sometimes become deaf to the best advice. This may be what is happening to her. But then again, like others said, she may be attracted to types of relationships that are not healthy.

[FoolishMan]

Thanks for your reply 54JA!

 

I have not spoken to her for a couple of days and I am not surprised. No one likes to have the character of a prospective partner ripped to utter shreds by a friend.

 

If I am honest, I don't know how to respond top her either now.

 

Her insistence for this man against my judgement (not that is anything she should take notice off as she can do what she wants), has caused my feelings to change quite drastically to my shock. I know it has only been a couple of days but I have found that I am focusing on things and she is not the first thought when I woke up this morning. It is like I have escaped though a back door. I want to keep this going as I don't want to bounce back the other way.

 

I think what the point really is is the fact she wanted my input but as it did not stack up to her opinion, she rejected them outright. Well, if you choose to do that, then why bother asking? As a friend, I feel I should voice my opinion, even if that is critical. I am weary that she may accuse me of being jealous, that is why I am critical and not contacting her.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Zeurich]

you know something your profile name make me laugh. I have read your story, you will be better be happy that you are free. And better to get rid of unhealthy scenarios.