Jump to content

Broke up with multiple friends; I can't even...


theladyace

Recommended Posts

This is a little long-winded so I apologize in advance. :confused:

 

I've known the "friends" I'm speaking of for some time now (there are four in total, three female, one male). The male I met through my fiancee since they've known each other since diapers and he became the boyfriend of one of the females [A]. The other two females [C,D] are closer to [A] than me since I met them through her. We've all hung out a lot with other mutual friends for years, went to birthdays, celebrated graduations, etc. They've traveled for me, I've traveled for them, and I have actually known each other the longest out of all of them since me and my fiancee have been together for 6 years. All in all, I thought we were tight.

 

Long story short, there's a lot of buildup to why I can't deal with them anymore, including a bunch of untrue rumors that went around about my fiancee and I's relationship, rumors I heard of them talking about me being too passive to him (I think they're just jealous we have a solid, balanced relationship), ...the list goes on. I attended their birthday celebrations, but they decided to suddenly not invite me or my fiancee on a trip (both of us work fulltime jobs, we couldn't get off so we didn't really care to address it because it wasnt that serious), then decided not to invite us to [D]'s graduation party. Slowly, we were being excluded from events.

 

Wanting to see what kind of friends they were, I still invited them to my birthday party (which they took no part in trying to plan despite how they've asked me to help them plan theirs in the past). I didn't get a response. I text them and ask them why they were ignoring me ...I didn't get a response. Accept for the other friend of [C]'s who told me she was coming, only to text me later in the week and tell me she basically lied and that I should know why. I told her I didn't and she told me she'd tell me when she saw me again (haven't seen her since).

 

So my fiancee had had enough and he called his friend to ask what was going on since [A] was his girlfriend. Apparently, nobody even told it was happening because they had no real plans to go. eventually convinced [A] to come. I didn't even want them to at that point because I didn't even get a birthday text or acknowledgment. And all of this came out of nowhere! I have yet to get a real explanation as to why. Anyway, they came, it was awkward but I ignored it and had fun anyway. [A] called me later to tell me she thought that I was ignoring her and I couldn't even begin to understand where she got that impression. I text her when I can and I invite her out when we have things (to which she rarely said yes to anyway).

 

So, fast forward to the 4th of July. We all decided to squash it and we went out to drink on the beach to see the fireworks and it was beautiful! We had a really good time...until.

 

We were walking to the car (drunk) and I heard yelling behind me. By the time I turned around I saw [D] get in this guy's face (who was with a group of another guy and a girl) and she was getting belligerent. I had no idea why! All I wanted to do was defuse the situation so I walked right up to the guys and asked what happened, all they told me was that was talking **** to them. So I advised them to walk away because I looked over and indeed saw look like he was ready to go full Hulk. Mind you, I had no idea what sparked the incident, all I know is that my fiancee had to calm down by putting him in a chokehold. Mind you, we were right in front of police cars that put on the lights right as this was happening. The situation deescalated but long story short, [D] was hit with a firecracker to the lip, she got in dude's face for it, was about to fight the guy...and now ALL of them are pissed at my fiancee and I for trying to diffuse it....really? We could have been arrested! [D] has a son and she didn't even seem to care that it all could have been much worse!

 

They claim we let the other people "disrespect" them and further disrespected them by trying to diffuse the situation because we didn't show "sympathy" for their stupidity. No, we only stopped them from being arrested for possibly even killed over a firecracker. The next day, they were questioning our loyalty and [D] sent me a text tonight saying she felt "disgusted" with us because we "think we're better than them" and that she was basically speaking for the rest of them. Then she proceeded to say that I allow others to disrespect me and that I should learn a lesson from her ...REALLY?

 

I can't even. I've officially cut off all of them and they keep trying to leave messages on my phone but I've deleted them/refused to listen to them. Thing is, I had stopped acknowledging the situation a week ago because nobody wanted to talk about it then but I get texts on my day off all of a sudden after it's all over and done with?

 

Am I wrong for looking at the bigger picture here or was I really "disloyal" by trying to ensure their safety?? Wtf kinda world do I live in???

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear theladyace

 

Some relationships last for a long time and some last for a short time. From the sounds of things your relationship with these so called friends have run it's course. If they are not able to see the good in what you and your partner tried to do for them on the 4th of July than they are not really worth having as friends.

 

Your incident reminds me of a school situation whereby you got ostracized from the girls group because of some vicious rumour that got spread around. However Instead of dealing with it it in an adult like fashion it got dealt with in an immature teenager style way. "Alpha girl says: She's been kicked out of the group, so nobody speak to her or else".

 

[D] has got a misguided sense of loyalty and a terrible temper to boot. If it was a genuine accident and your fiancee let pound the guy to the ground then her boyfriend would have been arrested on assault charges and than later on maybe had to pay attorney fees to have his day in court.

 

Genuine friends would have been thankful for what you did for them and not go on a wild rant based on butt hurt emotions. I'm guessing that the reason that they tried to leave messages on your phone is that rational thought has taken hold of them and that they finally realised that your intent was good and not bad.

 

It is understandable that you are furious to their initial reactions and it is your right never to speak to them. But holding onto grudges takes a lot of energy. It is better to part ways on good terms rather than bad. I know a colleague who was also hurt by friends whom she thought was quite close to her and the lesson that she learned from that was, not to get too close to anybody because that is not a balanced approach that will last.

 

If you become too emotionally involved with friends and cherish that relationship above others then you are more susceptible of getting hurt when things go pear shaped. It is better to treat everyone with equal vision, not too distant and not too close. To strike that perfect balance so that the relationship is more robust during it's highs and lows.

 

All the best - Bud

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Bud,

 

You're absolutely right. DID almost get arrested. He rushed the guy and my fiancee stopped him right before blows were thrown but by then, the cops had gotten out the car, broken them up, and slapped cuffs on him because from their vantage point, it looked like had started the whole thing! My Fiancee was the one who smooth-talked outta those cuffs! By then, those other guys had fled the scene lol. But then basically questioned my fiancee's manhood -- he said something along the lines of "If I need to know if you'll be there for me if I had to fight." Mind you, both of them are black belts in karate (this is how they met, as kids) so they have the potential to REALLY hurt somebody. As for [D], I didn't even know the firecracker went off in her face (especially since she stormed off when my fiancee told her to calm down). And now she's mad because we told them they were out of line. We weren't judging, we were accessing! And now they think we think "we're better" then them...lol. It just blows my mind.

 

Having met them when I was little younger, I can definitely see where I got too invested. I was so angry, I deleted the message she left without even listening to it, because it seemed really disrespectful to me to basically call me a doormat because I'm above EXPECTING anybody's respect. No, I just know how to walk away. I've never been the type to hold grudges, which is why I was so willing to squash the fact that they didn't even say happy birthday to me. But the hilarious part is that they seem to have a countdown clock going, detecting how long it takes you to call, text, or invite them somewhere and that will determine if they are a real friend. [A] is the alpha female of the group since she's 's girlfriend and I'm sure she perpetuated the rumors since I was closer to her than [D]...smh. I'm in high school all over again.

 

Thank you for your advice!

Edited by theladyace
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sometimes we have to sit with ourselves and reevaluate our relationships. It can be painful, but very freeing to let go of the ones that are teetering. Many will say to hold

onto people no matter what, but I disagree. We only have so much time and energy. What we put that limited time and energy into makes all the difference in our lives.)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...