How do I get back with my best friend of seven years?

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My best friend of seven years and I had a falling-out a year and nine months ago. While we were friends, we had an excellent relationship, always telling each other that we loved each other. I thought no two people could be more close than us. However, we eventually ran into problems and had a falling-out.

 

The first problem between us arose six years into our friendship. One day she was very mad at this former classmate of ours who she irrationally believed was friends with this ex-lover of hers (who had really scorned her and who she had hated) even though in reality, that classmate hated that ex-lover. She told me that she was going to write a nasty e-mail to that classmate, and I advised her against it, saying that it is hard to be rational in an emotional situation. I did not understand then that she was very sensitive to the word, irrational. She thought that I was turning against her and was on that classmate’s side. She ended up writing to that classmate and would not go with me for a dance show since I was associated with that classmate and I had called her irrational. Then she cooled down, and it appeared like everything was back to normal.

 

A week later, my Facebook newsfeed showed that she was now friends with 35 people. I wrote on her Facebook wall, “35 friends in one day? Nick [a Facebook friend of her's that commented] is right. You sure are popular.” Then she messaged me asking me not to draw attention to how many friends she has or how fast it takes her to get them. She said that it would look like she was adding them to look popular instead of caring about them individually. I felt wronged that she was far from being grateful to me for complimenting her and told her that she was taking it way too seriously. Then she actually blocked me on Facebook! Then she sent me an e-mail explaining her feelings. I was shocked that she blocked me and we got into another argument, but resolved it.

 

Even though we continued to be friends, I still felt wronged by her for blocking me. I confronted her about that a year later, saying that it was out of line. Then she completely insulted me by telling me that she was sorry for hurting my feelings, but not actually for blocking me. We started arguing again. Then she brought up for the first time things about me that had been bothering her for a while. We had always been very loving towards each other, and she always told me that she loved me, that I overjoyed her and that she admired me. When she brought up problems she had with me, it made me wonder whether she actually ever cared for me at all. She said that the only people that she cared deeply for were her parents and her pets, making me feel like chopped liver. We made up again after that.

 

I guess that our relationship was still strained after that. A month and a half later, I was in a bad mood and vented to her about something that I could not get. To make me feel better, she told me that she empathized with my feeling of loss, that she felt the same when her rabbit died. (Here is that story in brief: She had looked after a rabbit, but had to take it to a sanctuary. The sanctuary people did not take care of it well so it died. After that, she left them a lot of nasty voicemail messages till the police contacted her and warned her that she could get into legal trouble.) I did not realize when talking about her rabbit that she then became the person that needed comfort, not me. She mentioned that she had to go to court over the matter with the rabbit, and I asked her who took whom to court. She did not want to answer that. I kept pushing her (which I should not have) since I was in a bad mood, even asking “Did you go to jail?” Then it escalated into another argument.

 

She blocked me again on Facebook and immediately wrote me an e-mail. We had another argument through e-mail. Then she e-mailed me in the night. She accused me of using the weaknesses that I confided in her against her when I was upset with her (which I really had not done, but she took it that way). She accused me of judging her, but then she did the same. In moments of vulnerability when we were friends, I had trusted her with my weaknesses by cursing out people that I was mad at, calling them deplorable names (but just to her). She said then that I say vile things about women. So I realized then that it was a bad idea to have trusted her in my moments of vulnerability. That was the last that I heard from her, back in September 2012, 1 year and 9 months ago.

 

Since then, I have tried to get back with her. I wrote two e-mails to her since then, apologizing for everything and promising to be better next time, but she never replied.

What should I do? A part of me has moved on and found great friends, but another part of me wants her back.

Edited June 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Yasuandio]

Not resolving matters at the time they occur - and then bring them up a year or more after the fact can be unfair, or at least, not worth it - in the case of some dumb FB drama. She or you just gotta agree to disagree, or just try to see ten percent of the "right" portion in her position, if she's darn serious about it, give positive feedback, and drop it.

 

Now sometimes - there are bigger things, and you keep waiting for it to resolve, and it never happens. It might be a promise that was never carried out (as was in my case with a friend of more than 20 years), a fib, an injustice - that you believed would be corrected but never was - and you kept hoping it would. Close friends that really love each sometimes let stuff slide, just as family members do - that doesn't mean you forgot about it.

 

Another one that bothered me, deeply, was the re-written history game. I let this friend have "on loan" a sculpture I made in high school, due to the fact I could not display it is the house (it's really freaky looking and I was married at the time, it was in the attack because I could sympathize this was a not appropriate art for home). It is seven years later, and suddenly my former friend felt she owns this sculpture - and that is just not the case. You used a lot of guilt and convinced me to give it to her.

 

A good tight friend is hard to find. There was one more serious misstep - and I dropped her like a hot potato. When I did that - I was cold as ice. All the fibs that I remained mute about, the art I felt was stolen, and 20 years jacked around enough times that I didn't appreciate - when I was always completely open, honest and available -- finally, I didn't take it anymore.

 

I used reverse psychology. She and were going to live together in my home. We had planned for two years. She rented a car, made the trip, 85 miles - to seriously look and check out everything - I had no plans to put pressure on her - as she had seemed reluctant a few months previously when I wanted to discuss it. I took the attitude that it was only something she was "considering," nothing serious yet. On the last day of the visit, she had kind of a desperate look to her, and said, "We have to talk about money.". Do I'm like "What do you mean? Have you have a decision?" She said, she could see herself living here.

 

"we gotta talk about money.". I reminded her, my position was I believed she should factor in a cost of $100-$150 more that her cost of living there. There is 6 times the space here, the utilities ate a third of the broken down place she's living. So - she tells me, she know about what her costs are. So I go to the computer, and pull all the costs for this house, and show her.

 

But she is not interested in showing me her costs so we can arrive at fair number to split this home, and factor in the lower rent that she would. I had no numbers to cacilate what she was paying out. But I knew for sure she's paying $200 to heat that little shack, and it only cost $80 to heat my huge home. This caculation is going to be complicated. Her place cost in rent $625. The mortgage, taxes and insurance here at this nice place in a SAFE neighborhood is $2440. I didnt expert her to pay taxes or insurance - nor half the mortgage. But she needed to come in with more than 600 plus 1/2 utilities - or shed be saving hundreds of dollars - and i'd be giving up 1/2 my home for much less than the rental value.

 

It was a long story, I know. But here is the lesson. When I detected her resistance, (and "oh, oh, she's not sure, she like the town, and loves her place - that's the BS I got when I asked for NUMBERS), this is what I did.

 

I told her: "DON'T DO IT!"

 

Then she say, "No, want to, I love it here." I told just to forget it. I was done with this. That is the reverse psychology. That ended the manipulation I struggled with for months with her ambiguity about whether she wanted to move with me or not. She was probably considering another friend she was to visit very soon after in New York.

 

Now, I'm starting to hear again, but already another fib. Im sorry, I got kinda emotional and I wrote a really long thing here (my medication makes me talk too much!). Maybe there is something that is buried in here that will help you. I'm don't want to erase it - cause it shows what can happen when you invest yourself and trust in a friendship.

 

During those two years of discussion about being room-mates, I could have gotten a real roommate or two to help me on this hidious mortgage, you feel me? Be careful what you wish for. That's it. Yas

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I just want to update you all that I finally got back with my friend!