Sudden awkwardness with coworker / friend

[Yasmin_sheridan]

I work in a very relaxed office--actually, we're a small group of people working on building a film center. So the traditional office culture is not there. Most of us are quite friendly and close, but it can be challenging because we're all emotional people in different ways, and I sometimes think I've turned into the resident therapist. I don't necessarily mind because I care for everyone, but I admit that it can be emotionally draining at times.

 

So I became a bit closer to one of the cofounders of the space, and he noted on several occasions how much he cares for me and such. He's very affectionate in general, but with me he was exceptionally kind. He left about a week and a half ago for work, and came back two days ago. I was very happy he came back, but I don't know what happened because he suddenly became very distant with me. I keep wondering if I did something wrong.

 

I dont know if he thought I would be more demonstrative and excited about his arrival, but I was too self conscious around the others and gave him the usual polite kiss on the cheek (this is the cultural norm where im from). We haven't had a chance to talk yet, but I'm actually a bit nervous about approaching him. Maybe he's distracted and there's other things on his mind? But I just don't know how someone can be so hot and cold.

 

Maybe I made a mistake somewhere? Is there any advice about how I can approach him tomorrow? Little things like this sometimes bring out my social anxiety, and my shyness doesn't help to be honest.

 

Thanks!

Edited May 17, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

The cofounder sounds like he's making romantic gestures, which is not really appropriate in the workplace. Having an office with that much intimacy going on will eventually blow up in just about every direction. I certainly wouldn't worry about whether you were "affectionate" enough when he returned and would keep it appropriate. I'm afraid he has set a dangerous precedent taking workers into his personal zone.

[Yasmin_sheridan]

Do you really think there's a romantic subtext there? Yes, hes single, but i dont know if he felt a certain way about me. He's also incredibly close to one of the other cofounders (a woman). I really just miss him as a friend to be honest. Having someone be hot and cold makes me so self conscious, and it's been incredibly painful.

Edited May 17, 2014 by Yasmin_sheridan

[nescafe1982]

I'm not certain it's about romantic feelings (if very well could be, who knows), but it does sound to me that one way or another, this coworker has realized that the intimacy of your relationship blurs the lines between professional and inappropriate. I would advise trying not to read to much further into it. Accept his new boundaries and maintain a professional relationship under these new terms.

 

Generally speaking, it's very dangerous to become the office psychiatrist. I would rethink whether that's a role you want for yourself. It's draining under the best of circumstances. And under the worst of circumstances, it can lead you into some serious borrowed drama or even into a situation where you are reprimanded, censured, or dismissed for issues that had little to do with you.

 

This might be a good time to reconsider where your own boundaries lie in the workplace, and to set them where you can maximize your own professional contributions while minimizing how bogged down you get with interpersonal issues.

[Yasmin_sheridan]

I think you're right. Even though it's def a nontraditional office setting, I'm worried that they're all depleting me emotionally. For example, the other female cofounder who is friends with the guy I posted about is also close to me. She comes and confides in me, and I do my best to support her. However, I get the distinct feeling that she doesn't like it when I seem vulnerable, and sometimes the friendship feels one sided. I don't know what to do.

 

I do have to say that the guy I'm worried about has probably hurt me even more. I'm not sure why suddenly they both took a step back, albeit in different ways.

 

I know I should accept these new boundaries, if this is indeed what is happening. But is there any advice as to how I should handle this new, weird dynamic? I would be lying if I didn't say I'm a bit heartbroken by the sudden change.

[nescafe1982]

I know I should accept these new boundaries, if this is indeed what is happening. But is there any advice as to how I should handle this new, weird dynamic? I would be lying if I didn't say I'm a bit heartbroken by the sudden change.

 

I think it's okay to feel hurt about this. My best advice for you in how to deal with the feelings is to be patient with yourself as you process this. Allow yourself to grieve what feels like a loss.

 

But when you're done grieving, do your best to recognize that their drawing back is most likely not a rejection of you or your friendship. They don't seem to be rejecting you... just scaling back the in-office intimacy. So while it's totally understandable that you would feel hurt with the sudden shift in behavior, from a bird's eye view it probably isn't personal. And on the off chance that it is personal, you can't do much except trust that if your coworkers have a problem, they will discuss it with you in due time. Until that time, don't read too much into the matter.

 

As for how to deal with office interactions at this awkward stage? Roll with it and, if you're ever completely uncertain of how to act, consider allowing the other person to set the tone. Sometimes when i run into conflict with a coworker like this, I resolve my own feelings of awkwardness by mirroring them in our interactions. Eventually, you'll regain your compass... but until then, roll with the punches and be kind to yourself as you process the associated feelings.

[Tailor2000]

Could be anything going on - could even just be he feels he can talk easier with women.

 

Just try to be yourself, maybe something happened while he was away.

 

With the roles reversed, it's humourful to see preraph still blaming the man.

[preraph]

^ Oh, Tailor, I think the difference is he is interested in her case, where in your case, she is married and is not.

Edited May 19, 2014 by preraph

[Yasmin_sheridan]

Thank you all for responding, and for the helpful advice. It's still very hard since I really care for him, but I'm trying my best to cope. It's hard not to feel rejected on some level. In any case, I feel that I should clarify that no one in this situation is married, and we are both single. Just to avoid confusion in how people view this thread.

[Tailor2000]

^ Oh, Tailor, I think the difference is he is interested in her case, where in your case, she is married and is not.

 

Oh come on. If Yasmin was a man, and the cofounder was a woman, you'd be telling Yasmin there's obviously more going on which is why you're thinking about it so much and it's inappropriate in the workplace so you should stop what you're doing and avoid the cofounder, that's what the cofounder is doing because the cofounder can sense something more...

 

Yah. Whatever.

[nescafe1982]

It's hard not to feel rejected on some level. In any case, I feel that I should clarify that no one in this situation is married, and we are both single. Just to avoid confusion in how people view this thread.

 

Tailor's thread jacking aside, I think it's totally normal to grieve a loss of intimacy in a work friendship. The most frustrating part of a situation like this is that time is really the only cure.

 

Have you brainstormed different things to do to help alleviate some of the hurt for the next little while? Leaning on friends outside of this situation (like perhaps friends beyond the ones in your office) might be nice. Try getting out of the house with some buddies... that can work wonders for me when I'm bummed out.

[Yasmin_sheridan]

Thank you for your kind responses. I've been handling it ok, but not great. I'm still too hurt and confused. Unfortunately, my friends have been incredibly distracted as of late, and I don't think they "get" it. I feel very lonely in the office all of a sudden.