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Should I cut my best friend of 7 years off?


freebird31

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Ok...i just made a post about how i vent to a friend about a certain "problem" i have, and now that i can no longer vent to this person, im just going to vent about it on here.

 

Sooo, this past year has been one of the harder ones in my life, maybe even the hardest. Around this time exact time last year, my first boyfriend and love broke up with me. This entire year has ben difficult enough trying to get through that. I feel like after 1 year, i finally see the light and im moving on.

 

Anyway, my venting isnt about my ex. Its about my best friend. We have been best friends for about 7 years, since i was 15. I am 22 now. We were like sisters, inseperable. You would never see one of us without the other. We were that close.

 

Around this time last year when me and my ex broke up, i was devastated and heart broken as anyone would be if their first love broke up with them. My breakup with him is the reason why I created a love shack membership. Getting past that breakup has been extremely difficult and i still cope with it to this day.

Anyway point is, she wasnt there for me at all. And what i mean by she wasnt there for me, was that we never saw each other or hung out during that awful time that i needed her the most. We saw each other maybe once every 3 weeks, if that. We used to see each other almost every day. I confronted her and told her how i felt and she said that she was just really busy. She came off really defensive and unapologetic but it was clearly BS because she made the time for her boyfriend. That whole summer i had no one to seek comfort from. To this day, she has never said she was sorry.

 

 

As time went on during this last year, we continued going on without seeing each other for weeks. We still dont see much of each other. We dont even talk to each other much anymore either. And we no longer vent to each other about problems. I stopped a long time ago. She continues to put her time with her bf first. And she has an incredibly unhealthy relationship, which i told her. So she never tells me about her problems anymore either bc she knows what I am going to say. Sometimes, i feel like these last 2 years have changed us. i feel like my break up changed me for the better and has helped me grow as a person. I feel like her relationship has made her take 20 steps back and has showed a side of herself that is weak-minded and immature who doesnt have courage to leave an unhealthy relationship (He talks to other women, flirts, gets wasted every time they go out, they also fight all the time, not just arguments, but nasty verbal fights)

 

Me and her used to be so close. We used to have so much in common. But i feel like we are so different now. We have different values. I just cant stand that she doesnt respect herself enough to get out of that relationship. The few times we hang out, we have nothing to talk about. we have in common anymore. I cant relate to her situation with her boyfriend, becuase i would never let myself get that far into the situation so i cant understand her POV, and i already gave her advice so she knows better than to vent/talk about her boyfriend anymore.

 

Anyway, her boyfriend has also pretty much replaced me. She used to lag on me because stuff came up, but made the time for her bf. What hurts the most, was that this was all happening while my breakup with my ex was fresh, while i was still coping with that loss.

 

Last night was the last straw. We went out to a bar, it was her birthday.

She invited her boyfriends friends. i dont know any of them. She has become quite friendly with them, and they all seem to know eachother quite well. I felt out of place the whole time. She would leave my side and go with her boyfriend. I didnt know anyone so i was usually left by myself. well, i went to the bar to order a drink. and my best friend, her boy friend, and an aquantance were standing behindme. While i was standing at the bar waiting for my drink, i turned around and they were gone! I went up and down the bar looking for them. I couldnt beleive she left me. I looked everywhere and could not find them. I finally found her boyfriend, who told me that they went to the bathroom. I just think its so rude to have left someone by themself somewhere like a bar. At that point, i had enough. I could not hold myself together i had to let all the tears out, all the hurt i have been feeling for this last entire year. I had to leave because the tears were starting to come. I put my drink down, and i went outside. and the tears just kept coming. I just had enough. I was going to try to hold it together bc it was her birthday, but i had enough. so I went home. I checked the time on my phone and she didnt even call me or ask me where I was until 20 minutes after she left me either. How rude.

 

 

My point is, at this point I dont really know what i should do anymore with this "friendship." Im seriously emotionally drained from this and i just dont know how to address the situation. I am for sure going to talk with her, but i just dont think things are going to change. This will have been the second time I talk with her. At this point, im wondering if cutting a frienship of 7 years off is what I am supposed to do. I have been avoiding confronting her for a long time now.

Edited by freebird31
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Hi freebird, sorry you are in pain about this and the loss of your first love. Emotional pain can really take us for a ride!

 

I see three main themes in your post.

1) you feel your bff wasn't there for you when you were in grief over the breakup with your bf

2) you've lost respect for your bff because you feel she is in an unhealthy relationship with her bf

3) you feel your bff has chosen her relationship with her bf over you

 

Friendships ebb and flow. I am 51 and have had several close, bff-type friendships change and some end. So, this may just be time for you to take a break from your bff as you may both be changing and growing in different directions. Or it's possible to just "downgrade" the friendship, meaning you rely on her less, spend less time with her, and invest less energy into the friendship.

 

I know it's hard not to judge someone else's romantic relationship from what we see and hear. But truthfully, we really don't know what the relationship is teaching each of them, what childhood wounds they are working out and what their need to be together really is. We don't know the pulls each of them has towards one another, what it is like for them when they are alone, what it feels for them to be touched by the other, etc. And it isn't any of our business. I've had friends tell me they thought the guy I was with was not good for me, but I was in love and chose him over anyone who told me that. Even though in hindsight, I know they were right!

 

So when you allow your friend her "humanness" to be in love with someone you don't like, when you accept her choices and her as she is in this moment, you take away a lot of that angst for yourself. AND it is okay to stay away because you are uncomfortable being witness to that relationship.

 

YOU make the choices about who is in your life and how you are treated. I hear you saying that it feels like she's treating you poorly and you are hurt and freaking tired of it. You can walk away from the friendship as I mentioned above, or downgrade it. You can tell her what you are doing, or not. This is about taking care of you.

 

I'm sorry she wasn't there for you how you needed her to be when you were in pain about the breakup. I really understand that one, girl. I've learned that some friends are really good at emotional support and some aren't. And it may not even be personal. Maybe she felt threatened by your relationship ending that she would now be pressured to end her relationship. Who knows? I doubt she knows. Now you have more information about her, and hopefully can make different choices for support when you are feeling sad again.

 

Be really good to yourself right now. Do something that you really enjoy because you deserve it. I hope your heart is feeling better again soon.

 

L.

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Hi freebird, sorry you are in pain about this and the loss of your first love. Emotional pain can really take us for a ride!

 

I see three main themes in your post.

1) you feel your bff wasn't there for you when you were in grief over the breakup with your bf

2) you've lost respect for your bff because you feel she is in an unhealthy relationship with her bf

3) you feel your bff has chosen her relationship with her bf over you

 

Friendships ebb and flow. I am 51 and have had several close, bff-type friendships change and some end. So, this may just be time for you to take a break from your bff as you may both be changing and growing in different directions. Or it's possible to just "downgrade" the friendship, meaning you rely on her less, spend less time with her, and invest less energy into the friendship.

 

I know it's hard not to judge someone else's romantic relationship from what we see and hear. But truthfully, we really don't know what the relationship is teaching each of them, what childhood wounds they are working out and what their need to be together really is. We don't know the pulls each of them has towards one another, what it is like for them when they are alone, what it feels for them to be touched by the other, etc. And it isn't any of our business. I've had friends tell me they thought the guy I was with was not good for me, but I was in love and chose him over anyone who told me that. Even though in hindsight, I know they were right!

 

So when you allow your friend her "humanness" to be in love with someone you don't like, when you accept her choices and her as she is in this moment, you take away a lot of that angst for yourself. AND it is okay to stay away because you are uncomfortable being witness to that relationship.

 

YOU make the choices about who is in your life and how you are treated. I hear you saying that it feels like she's treating you poorly and you are hurt and freaking tired of it. You can walk away from the friendship as I mentioned above, or downgrade it. You can tell her what you are doing, or not. This is about taking care of you.

 

I'm sorry she wasn't there for you how you needed her to be when you were in pain about the breakup. I really understand that one, girl. I've learned that some friends are really good at emotional support and some aren't. And it may not even be personal. Maybe she felt threatened by your relationship ending that she would now be pressured to end her relationship. Who knows? I doubt she knows. Now you have more information about her, and hopefully can make different choices for support when you are feeling sad again.

 

Be really good to yourself right now. Do something that you really enjoy because you deserve it. I hope your heart is feeling better again soon.

 

L.

 

 

Hi lokie, thanks for reading my massively long story haha.

 

But I definitely think we are changing and growing in different directions. And I feel like I have been "downgrading" the friendship for a while now, as in I stop depending on her and have stopped investing energy in it. But what makes it hard is that she contacts me from time to time. And I know she only contacts me when she has no one else (her boyfriend) available to keep her occupied.

 

I really do feel tired. I feel like she tries to stay in my life, but put the minimal amount of energy possible to keep our friendship going. So it's frustrating because as soon as I sustain contact from her and let her do her own thing, she comes around and tries to get in touch with me again. And I deeply feel it's because she doesn't have her boyfriend around.

 

You have a very interesting point of view on the topic. It's nice to hear different perspectives. I know she has a huge problem with letting people go, I can't understand it. I mean it's hard for me to let people go, but I do it because I know what is healthy for me. I witnesses first hand her boyfriend getting arrested. That same night he was with another woman who he was talking to while with her a day after the broke up (they're on and off a lot.)

Sometimes I feel like they are a lot like one another....like psychologically (I'm getting a little analytical) they choose each other because they are both damaged in some way. And enjoy drama. She STILL even keeps communication with her ex boyfriend. And talks to other guys on the side.

 

I just really do feel uncomfortable around that, because I am not

Like that. I hold different morals.

 

We are very different now from each other, and I feel like that's a huge elephant in the room when we are together.

 

And as for being there for some one, she does know how to be there for someone. She's been there for me plenty of times in the past when I needed support. But this one time when I needed her the absolute MOST, throughout all these years of friendship, she wasn't there. At all. Nor did she feel guilty or show sympathy about it when I told her how I felt. To me, that's a bad friend and I am just exhausted.

 

I just don't know how to approach this, what to say, or if breaking up with a friend is what I am supposed to do. I mean I think the right thing is to talk to her first. If things don't change in the future, maybe then will I have to cut it off. I really don't want to deal with this anymore I Forsee a lot of drama and emotional exhaustion if I keep her in my life. But as for our differences, that's probably something that will never get resolved. We can't change who we have become. We have grown a part. It's sad because we were best friends. I mean we shared everything. Did everything together. Told everything to each other. I've never had a closer friendship with anyone. It's sad that it has to be gone now. This year has been so hard for me, broken-ness. It's time I take control of my life now and talk to her . Just don't know what I am going to say.

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freebird, I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

It does sound like your friend's life has begun to revolve around her boyfriend. If their relationship ended, I imagine she would come to you for comfort. I'm sorry that she wasn't there for you during your own breakup--that must've been really hard.

 

I'd encourage you to give yourself some space from this friendship for now. You feel that she is making poor choices, by staying in what appears to be an unhealthy relationship. You've mentioned your feelings to this about her, but she continues to stay. She may not realize how unhealthy it is; this is something she will eventually have to learn on her own. In the meantime, since this friendship has become so draining for you, take space and time for yourself away from her. She may be so wrapped up in this relationship with her boyfriend that she may not realize the harm she is causing to your friendship.

 

I know it's hard to just cut her off, but that it's also hard to keep her in your life. So, I think creating space for now and seeing where that leads you (and her) will help shed some light on what will come. Sometimes people grow apart and then come back to grow together again. This may or may not be one of those times.

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Look, she's not much of a friend. She may have been fun to hang out with, but she's not "best friend" material because she's not there at all when you need her. I know this is a big loss on top of losing someone else as well. I just think you have to face the fact that she's moved on. It's not unusual for someone to totally neglect their friends when they get a bf or gf, but if you ask me, it's usually a sign of an unhealthy person who would let that happen. Yes, when they break up, she may try to run back to you. I would tell her to go away.

 

You don't need to confront her about this as she clearly doesn't care anymore and isn't plugged in and seems to be indifferent as to your feelings. If she continues to include you in things like her birthday, tell her, Ohhhhh, sorry, I have other plans. Or don't tell her anything and just don't go. That's what she'd do to you. Don't buy her gifts. Just be "busy" any time she contacts you. If she does plug in long enough to wonder why, tell her "You haven't been a real friend for a long time now."

 

I'm so sorry. I lost my best friend and bf at the same time once. I know how it feels. But truly, you're much better off without people who hurt you dragging you down. Go out with other friends or just go do things you love to do alone.

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Thanks for the clarifications, freebird. I'm facing something kind of similar at the moment, and you used great words to define what I feel is happening with us: "I feel like she tries to stay in my life, but put the minimal amount of energy possible to keep our friendship going". I thought we were having a different friendship, but something happened recently that hurt me and made me pause. First, I beat myself up over being too sensitive, then I started to see a pattern and I didn't like it.

 

I am trying to start a new business and it has been slow going. She emailed me and offered me some work. Two and a half hours later (I was on another job), I write her back and say, "Great! Let's meet up tomorrow to discuss." She writes me back right away saying she gave the work to someone else… a new friend - a gay woman - who she has a crush on (although she is straight). She did not call or text or email me to check on me first and her email was directly to me only, not a blast first come, first served kind of thing. It was bad business sense in the first place. I wouldn't do that with a stranger, a random vendor. It's just courtesy. But when you think this woman is one of your best friends and she does this without thought? No thanks.

 

I have agonized over what to say to her. She's texted me asking if I am mad at her (out of the blue, no provocation) and I ignored it, hoping that would speak for itself, even though I know that's cowardly. This is what I have come up with so far:

 

I'm feeling like we're having two different friendships. I thought we were much closer than I think you feel, and it hurts. I know we've already talked about why you didn't come to my birthday dinner and why you didn't include me in your birthday trip last year, but this thing with offering me business then giving it away without a second thought adds another piece to the puzzle for me.

 

I really want to phrase it where I am not attacking her, but informing her, and keeping it all with "I" statements. Does that help at all?

 

L.

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Candy_Pants

People show you who they really are in tough times. She proved she doesn't give a crap about supporting you in times of trouble. What is there to think about?

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Thanks everyone for all your responses. Each an every one of your responses helps me view things from someone else's perspective. To be honest, I feel a little guilty because that night at the bar when I left, she was actually a little bit tipsy and was already drinking. I think she might not have realiezed what she was doing and that she had left me due to the alcohol. In hindsight, I should have approached the situation differently.

 

But I don't think it excuses her lack of friendship for this past year and esp during that awful crucial time after my break up when I needed a friend the most. I have decided I am going to just keep my space from her. I don't know if talking to her will help me to feel better. I just am going to distance myself more than I already have. She is fun to hang out with but there are some things I will never forget. I forgive her but I just can't forget her lack of friendship these past couple of months.

 

In a way, I feel confused because some part of me feels like I may be over exaggerating. When it comes to not being there for me during my break up, I know I am not exaggerating. I know in that part, she was wrong. But I also feel like she does her own thing now and so do I, and in the past she has asked me to hang out or grab something to eat and I decline her offers bc I really am busy in the moment. But I also feel like I have asked her to go places and she wasn't available either due to work or maybe other plans. So in a way, it's both of us. But it def started with her. I also feel like she has moved on and made new friends (her boyfriends friends) so she now hangs out with them a lot , which is fine. I mean should I be mad that she has made other friends and no longer just hangs out with me? Honestly I'm confused. So confused. I feel like I have really poor judgment of people's character which makes me second guess myself, and question if I'm just being too sensitive or if she really is a bad friend. It's confusing!

 

Idk.

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I've never tried to compete with my friends boyfriend for attention. I feel the relationship between me and my man is different than the one I have with my friends. It almost sounds like you are jealous that she spends more time with him than you. I think your friend grew tired of you talking about your ex so much and wondered after a while why you didn't move on to another guy. She doesn't talk to you about her bf because she knows you don't like him so she gives you no info. I would bet your friend has grown tired of the relationship between you two as well. It is probably best to move on from this friend at this time. I think you both need the space.

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Perhaps you are right stillafool.

 

Maybe I am a tad jealous of the her bf. they have become very close over the course of these two years, and as they for closer we have grown apart. But should I blame that on her? Tbh, I don't even know if I enjoy spending my time with her as much as I used to anyway which I was I have also distanced myself. I feel like we both distanced our self, and perhaps it is not anyone's fault it just the nature of growing apart. I know for a fact, she was wrong and a bad friend in that moment after my break up. In that moment, she showed a selfish character. Even after I had confronted her, she still made the situation about herself and never apologized. But in the time after, when I was healing I think the reason of our broken friendship was a result from both our ends. I think I also distanced myself from her BECAUSE of that time when she wasn't with me. It forced me to deal with things on my own without her and so I no longer trusted her to be there for me. So I started to do my own thing as well and distances myself

 

But sometimes, I also DO feel like she is a bad friend. But I second guess myself and wonder if I am just being sensitive which confuses me! Let me give you an example: A week before Valenties day, we had made

plans to go out just the two of us. That same day we were planning to go out, she told me she is going to go into work instead so that she can make some extra cash. (It is not mandatory for her to be at her job, it is flexible and more of an option if she wants to go in.) either way she canceled on me the last minute. What bothered me, was that the next day her bf had surprised her and took her out for the weekend to go to Las Vegas for the first time. And so she went. It made me mad that my plans were canceled for that day with her, but that the next day she was going with her boyfriend for the weekend. Idk if I was acting sensitive. I probably was jealous, yes I'll admit. But it made me upset that she had canceled on plans we made for a week, but jumped the instant her bf made plans for her for the following day.

 

 

Maybe it isn't that she is a bad friend, but more that she has bad manners and is not courteous. It's just rude and annoying though.

 

 

I know I sound overly analytical but I just want to make absolute sure I am doing the right thing.

 

Overall, I just don't know what the best thing to do is. To give each other space? To talk ? I don't know how to address the problem is what makes this hard for me. I don't think we will get our friendship back, the way it used to be and I don't really know if I care to anyway. I feel like we are growing in different directions, and I think maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

Edited by freebird31
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Overall, I just don't know what the best thing to do is. To give each other space? To talk ? I don't know how to address the problem is what makes this hard for me. I don't think we will get our friendship back, the way it used to be and I don't really know if I care to anyway. I feel like we are growing in different directions, and I think maybe that's how it's supposed to be.

 

 

 

Do you think you would be able to offer her the support you would've wanted from her, if she breaks up with her boyfriend?

 

 

I wouldn't bother discussing anything with her, at this point. Give her space. Take your space. Do the fade.

 

 

And ... get some new friends!

 

 

Sorry you're hurting. :(

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Do you think you would be able to offer her the support you would've wanted from her, if she breaks up with her boyfriend?

 

 

I wouldn't bother discussing anything with her, at this point. Give her space. Take your space. Do the fade.

 

 

And ... get some new friends!

 

 

Sorry you're hurting. :(

 

Ja123,

 

To be honest, I don't think so. Well i am not sure. If she comes to me and tells me that she is breaking if off for good, yes. And comes to some kind of realization that she is better than that. But if this is another one of those on and off breakups, no. Or even if he breaks up with her, I probably won't be there for her. Because I would just feel used. But either way I lost trust in her. I feel like I can't fully count on her anymore and that will always kind of stay around.

 

Thanks for your response:) I believe I am just going to keep my space. I think that is the best thing to do.

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