Has my Best Female Friend Developed Feelings For Me? (Mixed Signals?)

[VinnyJ]

I met this girl, Michelle, back 7 years ago. She and I have been friends, but really stopped talking for about 4 years. I secretly had a thing for her but never confessed and life went on. More recently, about 5 months ago, I broke up with my ex for the first time. Next thing I know, my friend Michelle calls and wants to chill. She and I have been hanging out just about every day, ever since then. She and I became best friends! Throughout my relationship with my ex, I started to develop feelings for Michelle. Obviously I was in a relationship, and so was she, so I kept my feelings to myself. She and her boyfriend, Mike, have been having issues, and I’ve been there for her. She’s even spent the night at my house a handful of times. She and I have an inside joke calling each other “darling”, but everything between us has been platonic.

 

About 3 weeks ago, my ex and I broke up again for good (I was cheated on). Literally the next day, while we were hanging out, she ended up telling me that her boyfriend broke up with her. She was very upset, so of course I was a good friend and comforted her (since that also helped me with my breakup). For the past couple weeks, I’ve been noticing that she’s acted a little different towards me. I’ve noticed her staring at me, even when I’m not looking at her, and taking photos (Snapchat). A few days ago, out of the blue, she gave me a compliment on how pretty my smile was, even though I don’t remember laughing or even showing my teeth. She has been using our inside joke, calling each other “darling”, a lot more than usual. It’s almost become our way of flirting with each other. Just two nights ago she spent the night at my house… Again! She has often made comments like “what if we lived together”, and she also got really mad at me when I told her I might be moving out of state in a couple years.

 

Now here’s the confusing part, I know for a fact that she still has strong feelings for her ex, and she has “accidentally” called him her boyfriend after their breakup. They have been hanging out (mostly just her spending the night to get some) a day or two a week, but again, she spends most of her time with me. In the past, before my breakup, she had made a statement to say how glad she is that I’m her friend, and that all her other close male friends had gotten weird with her (liking her). Obviously I really like her, but I’ve managed to keep my feelings hidden. Friends of mine have told me “She’s very attached to you” and “Make a move”. I even had a friend of her ex tell me "make a move while Mike and Michelle are having their issues".

 

As much as I’d like to make a move, I just don’t think she feels the same way as I do. I feel like I might be overlooking signs. She used to constantly tell me how I’m her best friend, but I haven’t heard her say that much. I don’t know how to take that. Either way I am confused as Hell, still damaged from being cheated on, and really don’t want to mess up our friendship. I would much rather date her, but I don’t think I could take losing her friendship due to my confessions.

 

I’m sorry to make my first post of these forums so freakin long, but this is really important to me, and help would be appreciated. I really like her, but I don't want to ruin our friendship. I'm afraid if I say something it would make things weird, but at the same time I don't want to miss out on a great girl. Thanks!

[Lansing]

I have had a couple of situations like this develop.

 

I think you could try the "be playful" root. Just slowly (And I meant very slowly) start to become more physical with her. Maybe a lingering hug, etc. I know it can be frustrating because of the "mixed" signals. Like her saying she is glad you are a true friend, etc can come across as very confusing because if she was interested she probably wouldn't say this but girls might think they are testing the water by saying it too.

 

If it becomes really unbearable then at some point I would just say it or hint at it and gauge her reaction.

[preraph]

I think I'd give her a couple of weeks to settle down post-breakup just to make sure you don't accidentally get in the middle of that. But I do think she has feelings for you probably. She contacted you after you broke up and now she's broken up. Now's the time to find out. Just wait until she has her head back on straight and isn't all emotional over the ex. Then say something like, "Well, since we're both free for once, how about I take you out on a real date?" And just see what she says. Don't ask if you can ask. Just say that and she can either go "That sounds nice" or "Ohhhh, I don't know if I'm ready for that." I think she is maybe into you though and you should ask.

[VinnyJ]

Another mixed signal, she never gives me hugs. Occasionally I'll see her give people,

we graduated high school with and haven't seen in a while, but she's usually not a very touchy person. I don't know if I should just randomly give her a hug one day to guage a reaction, or if that would just come across as weird.

 

My concerns with waiting are, what if she is interested and I wait too long? This is such a touch decision, risk Loosing My best friend for a relationship I would really like to be in, or not confess my feelings and always wondering what could have been.

[lolablue17]

Here's an idea.

 

I think if you try to give her little signals, you'll just make a mess unless of course you're very good with the "signs dance" language.

 

But my idea is that you arrange a 3-4 days vacation, maybe a long weekend to clear your head (you need it after the breakup). make her know that she is more than welcome to join you. If she doesn't understand the hints, just tell her that you will be happy if she join you.

 

That's the beauty of the idea- by that you dont expose your intention because there's always a chance that you invite her as a friend. But if she is not a zombie, she will catch it right a way.

 

She will understand the deep meaning of the vacation (even if she suspects that you're unaware of the real meaning of your actions). because you will eventually book just one room (why waste money and you've already been sleeping in the same apartment before).

 

She WILL KNOW that if she says yes, in a romantic style vacation with a magical atmosphere, its almost inevitable that both of you will end up together as lovers.

 

And if she says NO, you still didnt expose your intentions.

[VinnyJ]

Here's an idea.

 

I think if you try to give her little signals, you'll just make a mess unless of course you're very good with the "signs dance" language.

 

But my idea is that you arrange a 3-4 days vacation, maybe a long weekend to clear your head (you need it after the breakup). make her know that she is more than welcome to join you. If she doesn't understand the hints, just tell her that you will be happy if she join you.

 

That's the beauty of the idea- by that you dont expose your intention because there's always a chance that you invite her as a friend. But if she is not a zombie, she will catch it right a way.

 

She will understand the deep meaning of the vacation (even if she suspects that you're unaware of the real meaning of your actions). because you will eventually book just one room (why waste money and you've already been sleeping in the same apartment before).

 

She WILL KNOW that if she says yes, in a romantic style vacation with a magical atmosphere, its almost inevitable that both of you will end up together as lovers.

 

And if she says NO, you still didnt expose your intentions.

 

I like this idea, although it's not exactly the best time for that. I am a full time student and have a part time job that I just started, and she works full time.

 

I also have some doubts on if this would work, as she and I have talked about going to a waterpark for a couple of nights, and this was definitely before I started picking up any "signals".

[shinealight]

Iv'e liked my best friend and it has all blown up in my face

Don't miss on the chance like i did before she runs away good luck pal

[Standard-Fare]

She still has a lot of loose threads dangling from her last relationship, which sounds like it isn't even officially over yet. You don't want to get involved in that mess.

 

Unfortunately it's just not the right time for you to act on your feelings. Even though you two have this long-term, established friendship and flirty banter, anything she does with you now will be too tangled up with rebound-y emotions from her breakup.

 

You don't want bad timing to spoil your chance at a real relationship with this girl. You should continue being her friend and maybe the time will come around where something more can develop.

[VinnyJ]

Well today might have told me something...

 

She was originally going to go to breakfast with Mike this morning. He ended up blowing her off, so we've been hanging out all day. She explained a big fight they got into last night. She told me that she told him "your the only one for me. There was nobody else and there is nobody else." To me, this kinda sounds like I've been overlooking signs and she's really only attached to that a*****e!

[preraph]

I'd kind of leave her alone for at least a few weeks and see how she gets along when it's just her and the BF she argues with sounds like all the time. Meanwhile, go date other women and stay busy. I bet she's eventually going to leave him but no way to know if then she dates you or not.

[VinnyJ]

Well the situation changed... Again!

 

Today she told me he broke up with him again. She's really upset but is talking about moving on. Either way I think my best course of action is to continue the friendship, slowly start becoming a little distant, and seeing where things go from there. The distance might help herdec if she does have feelings for me, or the distance could help me find another. I am talking to one other girl right now, so I'm not throwing out other options. I just feel like spending every day with Michelle keeps me back from moving forward with someone else.

 

I really like her, but I'm just starting to think things aren't meant to be.

[preraph]

^ Good idea. It's just best not to be totally invested in her while she's in flux -- and until the time comes, if it does, that you are actually dating. Go have fun. It always helps put things in perspective. Stay in occasional touch with her just to see how she's doing. If she asks you to do something with her, great, but just to clarify, immediately say "Like a date?" And see what she says. If she hem-haws, that's probably no.

[VinnyJ]

See the issue with this is she really is my best friend, So not seeing her really sucks. In fact she spent the night again. She's still here right next to me now.

[preraph]

Well, if you guys are that tight, you probably should have a talk. Just tell her when it looked like she was broken up with her BF, you were going to ask her out on a real date once you knew it was over and just see what she says. I can't imagine how she's keeping a BF if she's staying overnight with other men, to begin with.

[VeronicaRoss]

You are deeply in the friend zone, her heart is still with him and their gaming isn't done.

 

Doesn't mean she wouldn't hook up with you for all kinds of "I need comfort, I need to distance myself from the kind of ex, I just want out of this situation". As a woman you can care about a friend but not have 'that thing' for him. Unfortunately people even get married to people that are good to them but they don't really love 'like that'. So don't take what she's offering until you know she really wants you because she's deeply into you romantically and sexually too. You can end up with her and end up badly burned still.

 

One of my biggest regrets in life is using a male friend who was attracted to me when I was going through a really bad break-up with a gamey guy that I knew was bad for me but I was hooked. My male friend was everything I could have wanted, except I just wasn't into him romantically or sexually. You can't force or fake it. Because he was into me he gave me a lot more time and support than he would have otherwise and I knew that. I knew he was waiting for me to fall in his arms, and even if I did I wouldn't be that into it. I caused a lot of pain with my neediness, and when he finally realized it he dumped me as a friend and we didn't talk for years. I now feel like an idiot, but I can tell you I never, ever would feel 'that way' about him. Don't fall into that trap!! I've seen so many couples start this way, it's not good.

 

As a woman, here's my advice on how to be a man in this situation, protect yourself and earn her respect.

 

Tell her: "Look, you and Mike aren't done yet. I know you want to be, but until you aren't interested in going back and forth like you are it's not done. I know you are depending on me to be your rock, but this isn't right for me. You should know I have feelings for you and have had them for a long time. You mean so much to me that I think I'm really just hanging out for you to fall in love with me, but that's not going to happen while you're in love with him, and I wouldn't want to start a relationship out that way anyway. I need to let you go for now because we might get involved for the wrong reasons and I'd want to be with you for all the right reasons. Let's not talk for a few months, you figure out what you really want. If you decide you want me and you're done with Mike, let me know but you need to be done. I'm not going to be anyone's rebound. I'm going to keep my distance for both of our sake because if we get involved with you still into him that would break my heart and kill our friendship. I'm not going to let that happen. I do want the best for you, that's what love is all about."

 

She'll be blown away. She'll try to convince you to hang out with you, but by keeping your boundaries that's where you earn her respect AND very possibly start becoming an object of desire she needs to win over. That's where you want her, wanting and desiring you. Not sobbing over him and falling on the most comforting man around.

[Standard-Fare]

I kind of disagree with the above advice that you should be flat-out and direct about your romantic feelings with this girl. I'd imagine that would come across as heavy right now. And she doesn't have the emotional space for it, given the stuff going on with her ex. Your "deep confession" could fail to get the respect and consideration it deserves.

 

I do agree that she's just not going to be receptive to anything romantic with you now -- or if she does show you that interest, it's for the wrong reasons, all tangled up with her ex. And yes, it is possible you will always be trapped in "friend zone."

 

I think you have a right idea to keep a moderate distance from this girl while things play out. I mean, even if you have to set up rules for yourself, like "I can only see her once a week" or "We can't be in daily contact."

 

The sleepover thing needs to stop. It's just not helping anyone.

[VinnyJ]

She and her boyfriend are back together again. I guess what will be will be.

[whichwayisup]

She and her boyfriend are back together again. I guess what will be will be.

 

They have an unhealthy dynamic and they both like the on/off again thing. For whatever reason, she still is into him and the chemistry is still there...Which you can't compete with, even if she does "like" you, it's not the same. She knows you're there and friend zoned you, even though she flirts and gives signals, those are in the moment and not hints for you to go for it with her.

 

Distance yourself, focus on other friends and keep busy, detach yourself from her a bit. You're too caught in her drama and life.

[fifipheebs]

I'd like to add my two cents to this vinny.

I am in the same situation except reverse roles. I am so in love wth my male BFF my heart hurts each time he talks to another girl to hangs out with another girl. I also keep my heart closely guarded bz I don't know where we stand.

He loves hugs and hints at them but I don't give the back bz I get signs he's not interested. I keep him at arms length bz I don't want to get hurt.

Your friend sounds like me -being cautious. I say bite the bullet and tell her how you feel. Ask if your friendship can become more.

I am praying my guy friend will do the same if he feels the same way I feel about him.

[mainejack]

You're in second place, probably. Second place is no place. That doesn't mean the other guy is the better man, he just just trips her trigger more physically. You're in a tough spot, it's almost impossible to keep a platonic relationship going when you love someone romantically. It's torture. But if you end up becoming lovers during rebound and it fails, you could end up losing the friendship too. More torture.

 

If you keep going in circles with her I think VeronicaRoss nailed it, the voice of experience and hindsight, and yes, some torture at first. And even though it's tough stuff in your position, it's the best way to provide yourself with clarity and closure in the end. You'll win big or lose big but the what-if's won't haunt you as long.

Edited March 28, 2014 by mainejack