Best friend attacks me on email

[headinthecloud]

This is a bit long so I appreciate you reading.

 

My best friend lives on the opposite side of the country so I'm 3hrs ahead of her. I've known her all my life but we've been best friends for more than 10yrs, I was her maid-of-honor just a few months ago.*

 

Here's what happened:

 

- I've been dealing with a lot of issues in every area (major issues - family, friends, romantic, job).*There's a saying, "when it rains, it pours". *My best friend has been helping me through them (hours of phone chats) but she herself has a lot of issues so we've been trying to support each other as best we can.

 

- a few months ago, after I BU with my BF, she started to "pull away" -- be less supportive emotionally. I understood why, even though she never said anything, it was because my issues were too much to deal with on top of her own. So I tried to give her space, but we chat almost daily.

 

- last week, I called her after learning about a health issue (it's likely nothing major, hopefully, am having more tests done). During the 5mins call with her, I shared the unfortunate news to which she *said "well at least it's not cancer" and my reply was "well we don't know yet, I have to have more tests done". Basically, after i said that she told me she had another call and that she'd call me back. She never called me back.*

 

- I texted her as I went to bed telling her that I was going to sleep and enjoy the evening. Her reply the next day (she texted while I was asleep) was, "sorry I missed you". She made me feel like I was this hypochondriac thinking the worst case scenario (so not true - couldn't be farther from the truth - I was just absorbing the news myself).

 

- the next day, I was upset because I realized she blew me off...plus, this was not some frivolous news. So I decided that I needed to not confide in her but rather deal with my issue on my own as she likely had too much on her own plate and can't cope with his too. But her blowing me off was not he first time in recent months, but this time it was hurtful because it was about my health.

 

- I started to distance myself a little over the next few days --stopped answering her calls but replied to her texts, tho not immediately -- and then *i wrote an email explaining how I felt.

 

- In my email I told *her that I know she's going through a lot but that she hurt me when she blew me off last week, and that this wasn't the first time. I said I was going to step back and deal with the issue on my own given it is my issue. I told her how much she means to me and that I miss her. I promise you, it was a well thoughtout email....nothing nasty at all, but telling someone you don't deserve to be treated poorly rarely comes off as pleasant.*

 

- *her response was this:

*// there's more to this than what you're saying.

// Where is all the anger coming from?

// *I apologize for blowing you off but I'm human and not perfect.*

//this doesn't warrant you *unleashing your wrath on me for making a mistake.

 

- my response:

//I'm not angry, I'm just trying to cope with my issues*

//I'm just calling you out for treating me poorly for no good reason

//I told you how much you mean to me and how great you are, fail to see the connection of how I'm unleashing my wrath

//I accept your apology but why do you think I'm angry?

 

- her response - she told me to call her before she reads the email

 

......however, I sent my response at midnight and went to bed immediately thereafter - it was a weeknight. She texted me, "call me I love you"....but I was asleep so I missed the call requests.*

 

-This is the email I woke up to:

 

*********

"This email response...the communication method is total bull****. I'm calling it.*Your email intention- just like my Halloween not calling back- failed message. In this email you initiated- I see something else- something evil.*You've cut off communication via phone. Then, your emails feel like emotional monetary requests. Something negative couched in the positive " yes we talked for hours". But I see the negative...no softening the blow. *I call this...emotional blackmail. Well played. *So yeah. Take a break I agree. Call me when you accept imperfect humanity- I"l be here with the rest of the peons."

**********

 

- my response:

//I went to bed after I sent the email so didn't get your messages til now (morning)

//I'm floored by the email.

//You're projecting major resentment.

//*All I've done is shared with you that I was hurt by your actions, and your reaction is to make me into a*villain because I called you out on treating me poorly

//You obviously don't trust me and that's sad

 

...no response and it's been 2 days.

 

I'm now even more hurt because there's no remorse whatsoever for her behavior. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to text her to tell her she crossed a line and needs to apologize.*But then again, were my actions that wrong? I'm so torn right now. Is her email as vicious as I think it is? And if so, is it warranted?

[GG3]

Well...I do think it's unfair to send something accusatory like that and then just go to bed. You were originally upset because you wanted to talk to her about an issue of yours but felt dismissed by her. But now you send an accusatory email (which never goes well like you said) and then dismiss her by going right to bed.

 

So of course she had plenty of time to get angrier and keep building it in her head. She thought you were ignoring her. I would probably be mad too if someone's response was like "oh I went to bed after. Just now getting your messages." Wow thanks. Hope you had a pleasant sleep because what you just sent me at midnight kept me up. Thanks...

 

Just an idea of where she could be coming from.

[headinthecloud]

Thanks for the perspective, Gg3. She took more then 24 hrs to respond to my first email so I didn't think anything of going to bed as I figured she'd ignore me again.

[Grumpybutfun]

Headinthecloud:

Both of you are going through issues at the same time which means your emotions are heightened and you are both probably really feeling depressed and over stimulated. Breathe. Step back from each other and then remember why you two are friends to begin with. You love each other. You have been with each other for some huge transitions and life developments. You listen to each other when the going gets tough. Do not throw away this friendship because friendships are hard to come by as you get older and people are already paired off and have their quota of friends they want to invest time and emotional energy into.

Who cares who is right? I think both of you were wrong from my objective viewpoint, but I also think you both are self-absorbed to a certain extent and feel used by the other. These are just feelings, and they will pass. However, a 10 year friendship is very hard to replace so be the bigger person and ask yourself if you want to be right or be happy. When you are properly in a good frame of mind, reach out. Tell her you love her and are sorry this got so out of hand, and that you value her as your friend.

 

Good Luck,

Grumps

[d0nnivain]

Email is a lousy way to communicate important issues & feelings. It's 2nd worst only to text.

 

What's your end game here? if you want to preserve the friendship wait a few days, then call her. Apologize for using e-mail. Tell her again that you love each other & want to preserve the friendship. Remind her that your intentions were pure but that with everything going on in both your lives you think things may have been misinterpreted & overreacted on both sides. Hopefully by the then you will have good news re: your health & you can share that with her as your basis for moving forward.

[whichwayisup]

OMG, Just call her and have a conversation! Having heavy discussions through emails or texts is NOT the way to handle this, so much can be taken the wrong way.

[OpheliaSong]

I would give each other a break until you aren't so mad. I hope it all works out.

[headinthecloud]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

You're right, next step is a phone call. Right now I feel some resentment towards her for being so accusatory. Not once has she been remorseful, that's really gnawing at me...her callousness. I think I need a few more days to think things over. It's disappointing to have a close friend think its ok to be so disrespectful. I would never do that to a friend. If it was a one time thing, that would be one thing. But as I mentioned before, this has happened on a number of occasions - I usually understand and let it slide but she's been going too far of late.

 

...and the reason I sent an email was it was suggested in a book on relationship dynamics by a very well respected author. That doesn't justify it, but that was why I chose not to call. Live and learn.