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Tough situation has become more difficult


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 18th June 2004, 2:26 AM   #1
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Tough situation has become more difficult

I have yet another dilemma regarding my two friends who recently broke up, Kate and Devin. As I kind of figured was in the cards, they have hit a very sour spot in their attempt at friendship. My position throughout the past few weeks regarding the situation has been to remain as neutral as possible, because I really do care for both of them. I still intend to remain friends with both of them, even though this is becoming more and more tense as time goes on. I have now expressed to each of them individually that my opinion is that neither of them is in a place where friendship is a genuine possibility.

Case in point: they slept together after their breakup. To him, it was not a huge deal. To her, of course, it was. <sigh> I gave both of them an earful for it, because I really think it was among the most destructive choices they could have made: for her, it fed false hopes of their getting back together; for him, it was a dick maneuver, knowing full well that she harbors feelings for him that he does not fully reciprocate. This is not to say that he does not care for her, but he isn't willing to give their relationship any further go, and thus should have declined.

Anyway, in the meantime, he's been hanging out with another girl (completley platonic, I guarantee it for reasons I shall not disclose herein. Guess and speculate away.) Kate has gotten it into her head that Devin has begun hanging out with this other girl because he's looking for physical "comforts." As I said, this is not true. I have asked him point blank, and since he is my best friend, I'd know if he was lying. Instead, (here comes the complication) he confesses to me that he had a one night stand with another of his ex-girlfriends prior to his evening of re-romance with Kate.

Sooooo....My initial thought was, "Well, the only reason that Devin has confessed this to me is that I am his best friend, and he needed to get it off his chest; he feels bad about it and needed to talk. So it's not Kate's business what he's doing since they're not together anymore!" But then, I considered the timing aspect; he slept with exgf before he slept with Kate again. I have not questioned him as to whether he was protected with exgf or not, but I know that with Kate, it was not a barrier method they were utilizing.

So how do I go about getting the information to Kate without feeling like I've betrayed Devin? I don't know if it's my place to tell Kate anything specific, or whether I should be convincing Devin that it's HIS responsibility to tell Kate. Maybe he just ought to get screened for STDs and if anything comes up, he needs to tell both ex-girlfriends, and in the meantime, needs to keep his stupid hormones in check (or at very least behind a protective latex covering!)?
Thoughts are definitely appreciated here, and thanks in advance!
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Old 18th June 2004, 2:57 AM   #2
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All of these people are adults, no? Unfortunately, you'd need a humungous butterfly net to catch everyone who's about to do something self-destructive. Nobody should have been sleeping with anybody but they all did. They are making their own choices and will have to bear consequences. You could idly remark to Kate that you'd not trust a man who's broken up to have been faithful in the 'break' and hope she gleans something. You can talk to Devin until you're blue, but he sounds like someone who will do what he will anyway. I figure it's wasted breath on your part in the case of these two.
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Old 18th June 2004, 3:00 AM   #3
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Talking (giggle)

Ah, moimeme! Thank you. I think that could well be the best advice I've received in a long while!

Yeah, I'm not in the middle of this. This is not my problem. I'm just unbearably bored right now!

Or something...

heh.
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