Tired of this stupidity...

[Nyla]

I have three close friends, one of whom I have known for about seven years. In the span of those years, I have watched my bestie make appallingly ridiculous choices. She comes crying to me and I help her as much as I can, but now my patience is wearing thin.

 

She keeps on choosing lowlife bums to date and she only recently started using birth control. There was a drug dealer whom she went to jail for and he also ruined her credit. She has been pregnant SIX times, lost three of them to miscarriage, aborted one and had two live births.

 

My best friend doesn't ever choose men who have a career, their own places or even driver's licences. Her kids' father just leeched off of her, slept all day while she worked and then left her with two kids so that he could run an escort agency. He is in jail now and about to be deported. Now she has two kids while she is on welfare. I thought she would have learned from being with the drug dealer, but no. When she became pregnant again while living with her mother on the dole, with her crummy ex, I wanted to smack her hard in the face. Hello??? Using no birth control and then crying when she is pregnant is the height of stupidity. It is one thing to have a birth control failure, quite another to use nothing and then be surprised when one is pregnant.

 

Now she is dating some fool who does not have his own place. She went and got him a cell phone and she told me that they have unprotected sex, despite the fact that the relationship has not been defined. Hasn't she ever heard of STDs??? She has to drive him around since he has no licence.

 

I love my bestie and I am good at telling her my feelings without putting her down. Her parents criticize her a great deal and compare her to me, because I married a decent guy and I wouldn't even look at the types of idiots she chooses to date. I think that growing up in the ghetto, with a deadbeat dad is the root of all of her choices. I also don't think that my bestie thinks very highly of herself.

 

I am far from perfect. I have made my mistakes and been with terrible men too, but I learned from those experiences and made better choices. Also, I dated those fools before I was 25 and I made sure to double up on birth control so that I wouldn't be tied to them forever.

 

I love my best friend to death. She is a very loving and kind person. I just get tired of watching her choose these lowlifes and then hearing about the troubles she is having with them. When she met her kids' father, she asked my opinion about him. I told her that since he refuses to work and he expects her to do everything around the house, there is no real future with him. She said "It is too late. I am already in love with him."

 

I wish that I could just walk away, but I don't know how to do that when we have such a long history and loyalty to each other.

 

How do you handle a trainwreck friend?

[Fugu]

I think you can be available, but keep your distance. Your friend's choices reflect values, and they're different from yours. You can still appreciate the good in your friend, and you can remain available if she needs someone to just talk -- your choice if you want to or not. I guess the real underlying problem is that when you have a friend like this, the relationship can become one-sided. You end up spending time talking about her sh*t, and no time airing out your own issues. No friendship should be imbalanced.