how do i help my grieving friends?

[uongy]

hey.i have just heard that my friends are in great pain at the moment.both of them(whom i care about deeply) have had their granmothers die in the same of two days.

 

i was wondering how i might be of assistance to them as they grieve.i know thats its not wise to bring up the subject if and when i talk to them.if the topic should happen to come up,what are the best things to do?i know its best to listen im guessing.

 

ive been exactly where they have been with my granmoher too and i know exactly what they are going through.

 

any advice?

 

thanks for any help.

uongy.

[bluechocolate]

ive been exactly where they have been with my granmoher too and i know exactly what they are going through

 

That alone sounds like the right thing to say.

[LILUIL]

Lots of hugs, that will help.

[quankanne]

if they are open to it, have them tell you about their grandparents, just the little things that made her special to each of them, then sit back and listen.

 

sometimes, people just need to talk -- though you must remember that each person needs the time and space of his or her own to decide when to share.

 

when my brother died, my parents reacted in different ways: my dad wouldn't really bring up his name, but every once in a while would share a select memory because it was just too painful knowing my brother was dead. on the other hand, my mother would talk about her child at various times, sharing things about him I didn't know because he was 10 years older than me. I think for her, NOT talking meant something akin to ignoring that he was alive for 36 years ...

 

so listen and watch carefully when you're with your friends, and when you sense their desire to share about their granny, encourage them to do so. if you knew the grandma in question, share your memory of her with them when the time is right.

 

Most of us are very touched when someone shares positive stories about the ones we love, because it sort of validates what we know about them.

 

quank

[HokeyReligions]

The following letter was written by someone in grief to those who have wanted to help, but didn't know how.

It is not copyrighted as far as I know---its been shared so many times----and may help you to understand their feelings a bit.

 

Some things you can do - as quank said - is to talk with them about their grandparents. Be there to honestly listen to them, hand them a tissue, bring some food over. Play a board game. Offer to drive them to a store or church. Rent a movie and watch it together if you absolutly can't get them to do something that requires focus and activity.

 

Ask about their grandmothers - did they have hobbies or do volunteer work? My friends mother used to volunteer at a women's shelter. After she passed away I picked up my friend and we went to the shelter and did some of the work her mom used to do, and we got to talk to a lot of the people who knew her mother and appreciated her. My friend cried rivers - but it was cathartic crying and the fact that I also started the waterworks seemed to help her. She appreciated that I cried because I was sharing her pain. Don't be afraid to cry with your friends.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear_____________________(Family, Friends, pastor, Employer),

 

I have experienced a loss that is devastating to me. It will take time, perhaps years, for me to work through the grief I feel because of this loss.

 

I will cry more than usual for some time. My tears are not a sign of weakness or lack of hope or faith. They are the symbol of the depth of my loss and the sign that I am recovering.

 

I may become angry without seeming to have a reason for it. My emotions are heightened by the stress of grief. Please be forgiving if I seem irrational at times. I need your understanding and your presence more than anything else. If you don't know what to say, just touch me or give me a hug to let me know you care. Please don't wait for me to call you. I am often too tired to even think of reaching out for the help I need.

 

Don't allow me to withdraw from you. I need you more than ever during the next year.

 

Pray for me only if your prayer is not an order for me to make you feel better. My faith does not excuse me from the grief process.

 

If you have had an experience of loss that seems anything like mine, please share it with me. You will not make me feel worse.

 

This loss is the worse thing that could happen to me. But I will get through it and I will live again. I will not always feel as I do now.

 

I will laugh again.

 

Thank you for caring about me. Your concern is a gift I treasure.

 

Sincerely,

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[gypsy_siren]

What a horrible thing, two deaths in two days.

 

My advice would be to let them guide you. If they seem like they want to talk, let them, for as long as they need. If you know that a certain activity would take their mind off of it, or help them feel safer to open up, offer to help/go with/arrange it, if possible.

 

When a good friend of mine's father passed, we used to take long drives and he would talk for hours about his dad. He'd always loved to drive my jeep, so it did not surprise me when he asked if we could take a drive. From then on, for a long while, that was what we did together.

 

The other thing I wanted to add was this ... don't expect that they will react to this in the same manner. One may clam up completely, while the other may talk for hours. They are different people with their own unique ways of dealing with grief. I'm sure if you acknowledge that, and listen, they will let you know what they need.