my buddy and his money.

[baRx]

okay guys, i'm having a bit of an issue with a buddy of mine. this issue has been going on for at least a year now, and i'm getting to the point where i'm starting to feel like i should be breaking away from this friendship until he cleans his act up.

 

a little background: we've been pals for 15 years or so. over the last 10 of those years, we've been 'best friends' (but so is everyone else according to him).

we're your typical 20-something single dudes. we like going out, drinking, smoking, video games, etc etc.

we usually always have a good time when we hang out. a lot of laughs, some good stories, and rarely do we get into any fights.

 

on to the problem: this pal of mine has had an issue holding a job. within the last 2 years, he's graduated chef school after a number of failed music band attempts, and claims this was what he wanted to do career wise.

last year, he got several BS chef jobs in little bars/restaurants that he was never able to "shine" in.

he'd work these places for a couple of weeks, then all of a sudden he'd "get his hours cut for no reason" to the point of getting no hours at all, or getting fired.

he's attempted to get a job in every crappy place we know... while i applaud the efforts, after a while he just kind of gave up. he seemed to think that his dream chef job was going to just knock on his door one day or something.

 

so, figure for the past 8 months or so he literally sat on his ass, drinking & smoking all day/night. how he did it without any money is beyond me, and no, he wasn't selling drugs or anything.

 

every week i'd take him out to the bar and would hang out with him. i'd usually pay for his drinks and try to get into his head a little bit, guiding him in the right direction.

it got to the point where he started to expect me to do this for him. he'd ask me if i wanted to hang out, i'd say yes, he'd pick me up and we'd go to the bar, only for me to find out he had no money on him.

now, i wasn't paying for him EVERY SINGLE TIME we went out. there would be a few occasions where he'd have $5, $10 or something to spare, but most times i'd end up paying.

 

finally, i'd had enough.

he text messaged me one day asking me if i wanted to meet up for drinks. i was cool with it so i said yes. making idle conversation, he replies "man you should have been here over the weekend, i actually had money and we got bombed lol" -- so right away, i replied back "wait, you had money? you didn't call me to hang out.." that bothered me because when he doesn't have money, i'm the guy he calls to hang out, but when he does -- i get no phone call. after all the times i take him out, you'd think since we were "best friends" and all, he'd reciprocate when he could.

so he replies something stupid like "oh i didn't think you could hang out" which is beyond BS because i can hang out every day. so i called him out on that, then i asked him if he had any money for this particular night.

his response? "no, i'm broke"

 

so... why the HELL are you asking me to meet you out for drinks? simple, he assumed i'd just pay for it like always. this set me off and i told him he was cut off, that was disrespectful to just assume i'd act this way. the reason i paid for him all those times was out of friendship. i knew he was having a hard time and wanted to help out, but i certainly didn't offer him a "free alcohol on me" card for the rest of our freaking lives. i basically b-tched him out and told him if he wants to hang out with me, he needs a job. plain and simple, i was done being his paycheck.

 

so after a while, he finally gets a job at Friendly's. it's not much, but it's progress. he's making what he can.

 

back in 2003, all of us (we had a whole group of pals) had what we dubbed as "the unbeatable summer", there's been no year quite like it, so we've always been talking about doing something special for the "10 year anniversary" of those times.

in the beginning of April, we planned a trip to head down to Boca, Florida to spend a long weekend there. my family has a condo that i have access to, so this plan was perfect.

 

i put together a budget for everyone who was interested in going. plane ticket prices + spending money.

i asked everyone (there's 5 of us) who could make it. 4 said yes, and then there's my friend. he didn't have the money yet, but promised he'd be able to get it before the trip, so i laid out the money for his plane ticket.

 

this was 4 weeks ago. the trip is in 3 weeks. he's only saved $100 so far and i think it's literally impossible for him to save the other $400 he's going to need to enjoy himself down there. (i figured $500 would be the minimum we'd all need to bring down there, since we weren't paying for a hotel or transportation or anything)

 

so, i explained to him that if he couldn't come up with the rest of the money before the trip, it was going to be a problem.

he said he understood and promised he'd be able to make it.

 

so over the last week or so, when i asked him if he wanted to meet me for drinks (after he's made it clear he's been saving all his money for this trip) he replies back and says "only if you're paying, i can't spend anything because of florida" so i backed out, because that "only if you're paying" comment aggravated me.

the impression that he left, was that he was saving every dime he was able to get.

 

yesterday, he sends me a picture of a brand new bottle of evan williams that he just bought, and later asked me if i wanted to meet him at the bar because he has $50 and drinks are on him.

 

i asked him how much money he's saved, and he says $100 (still).

 

this is a guy who only pulls in a couple hundred dollars a week at his Friendly's job. this is also a guy who simply can't stay away from alcohol/drugs. he blows his paycheck right away when he gets it.

how in the WORLD does he think he's going to save up $500 from the barely-anything-salary he makes, with his drug/alcohol addiction? he can't possibly sit on his ass for the next 3 weeks and not do anything..

 

so we got into it.

 

here's the conversation:

Him: man i really wanna get drunk tonight, let's goto the bar, it's on me!

Me: What do you mean it's on you? you can't spend any money, remember?

Him: i got 50 to spare

Me: no you don't lol

Him: yes I do

Me: your ticket costs $240+, you've only saved up $100. where do you think you have 50 to spare? just two days ago you told me you couldn't spend a dime on anything, and now you send me a picture of a brand new bottle, and want to goto the bar on top of that??

Him: i got money coming in lol chill, take it or leave it.. it's on me.

Me: I'm leaving it, dude. i'm gonna tell you right now man, if you can't come up with this money, i don't wanna hear it about how you "tried" to save or anything. you decide what you wanna do.

 

and that was the end of that.

 

how in good conscience can i allow this friend to join me on our planned trip, if he cannot save up money? my biggest issue with him is over money. he's not on our (mine + the rest of our friends) level when it comes to holding a job and being able to afford things.

 

it seems to me as if he doesn't believe i won't let him go on the trip.

i flat out refuse to eat the money for the plane ticket, and i'm certainly not going to be paying for him once we get to florida, nor are any of our friends, and i'm certainly not going to sacrifice my vacation enjoyment because he can't afford to do anything.

 

so, as of right now, i'm just going to wait. he has 2 weeks to show me he has the money, if he doesn't come up with it.. i'm going to have to kick him off the roster.

 

so my question is: if he doesn't come up with it, how should i go about it talking to him? i'm probably going to be firm and tell him he lost out, and that's that... and also, if he doesn't come up with it, i can't eat the $240+ i laid out for his ticket, how should i go about telling him he's going to owe me that money?

 

i really don't want it to come to this, but honestly if he can't make this thing happen, i don't think i'll be able to maintain my friendship with him anymore.

Edited May 6, 2013 by baRx

[will1988]

I have a friend kind of like this... what I do though is when I buy him drinks, and then he goes and buys his own drink with his own money, I say buy me a drink I'll give you the money... he buys it, and I don't give him the money. He is generally too drunk by this point to remember. This how I at least get a drink or two out of him every time we go out, even though I buy him like 3 or 4. I have a white collar job and he is working retail and trying to find something better. But I agree with you, because we have better jobs than some of our friends we are expected to pick up the tab. What my friend does not realize is that even though I make about twice as much as he does, my friend lives with his parents, does not have a car, does not pay rent, has a track phone and his parents paid for his college. in otherwords he has no debt. On the other hand, I pay $1,200 a month for my one bedroom apartment, not including utilities... I pay for the water, electric, cabel, internet, phone, all the types of insurances i have, and the various credit cards and loans. So he actually has more money to spare than I do.

 

Anyway, enough about me. Your friend is a free loader. I would cut him off financially, but keep him as a friend. Maybe instead of going out drinking every weekend, buy a cheap bottle of liquer or 24 pack of cheap beer and drink at your place or his. OR go to a park or do something free and fun. that way you do not lose your money, or much of it, and don't lose your friend either.

[KraftDinner]

Ouch.

 

This friend is a freeloader.

 

Honestly, I think I could probably get past most of that EXCEPT him not inviting you out when he actually had money.

 

That, baRx, says it ALL. He sees you as a gravy train. That's it and that's all.

 

What a jerk. Can you switch that ticket to someone else's name and get someone else to go?

 

Here's what I would do, seriously: cancel the ticket. Get your money back. Email him the details of what plane to take and leave it up to him.

 

You don't need a "friend" like that.

 

You've actually just inspired me to post something about a similarly wonderful "friend"...in a new thread of course.

 

Seriously, cancel that ticket. He has no respect for you.

[CarrieT]

so my question is: if he doesn't come up with it, how should i go about it talking to him? i'm probably going to be firm and tell him he lost out, and that's that... and also, if he doesn't come up with it, i can't eat the $240+ i laid out for his ticket, how should i go about telling him he's going to owe me that money?

 

i really don't want it to come to this, but honestly if he can't make this thing happen, i don't think i'll be able to maintain my friendship with him anymore.

 

In this regard, I would consider that $240 a lesson you learned. You made the mistake of buying the guy's ticket when you knew how irresponsible he was with money.

 

Unless he comes up with the funds, tell him he is out of the trip and know that you will have to eat it when it comes to his ticket.

 

You'll probably lose a friend over this and that is sad - I lost a friend over $300 in similar circumstances (I paid for her to attend a seminar with me and she could take trips abroad, but couldn't pay me back).

 

And don't front funds for anyone ever again.

[CarrieT]

What a jerk. Can you switch that ticket to someone else's name and get someone else to go?

 

Here's what I would do, seriously: cancel the ticket. Get your money back.

 

FYI - most tickets are non-refundable and non-transferable. At best, it would cost $150 to change a ticket but even then, only to whomever the ticket has been issued to.

[Art_Critic]

Time to ditch this freeloading friend, cancel the ticket and end the friendship

 

He obviously has other priorities and your wallet is one of the highest and being respectful to your friendship is the lowest.

 

Any money lost on the ticket, consider it a cheap lesson as he will keep pulling money from you.

[baRx]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

 

@Will - the problem with me going the route of waiting until we go out and trying to get drinks off him, it's so rare he has money to spend i almost never get that opportunity, but a good suggestion for future reference anyway.

the other problem, instead of going to a bar - yes, we could buy a bottle and sit at his/my house, but then the social aspect is gone. we've done this countless times and it's just so boring sitting around when i could be out and about, enjoying myself.

 

@kraft - i agree. the trip is in 3 weeks and that's not really enough time to get someone else to take his place. besides, there really isn't anyone else i'd trust coming on a trip like this. this trip was designed for us due to the fact we were all still friends. anyone else i bring along, it's just going to kill the idea of the trip.

plus, i can't find anyone who would have the money anyway.

and you're 100% right, his priorities in this 'friendship' are completely backwards. i neglected to mention the fact that i had a ps3 at his house, leaving it there after a weekend of letting him use it. what happened? the ps3 got stolen when he had a party. i forgot about it, 6 weeks later he tells me what happens and hasn't even attempted to pay me back for it. i had to go out and buy a new one

 

@carriet - you know, i've thought about it.. but i can't tell you how many times i ended up eating money as a 'lesson learned'.. yes, shame on me for letting it happen again. it looks like that's probably what i'd have to do, but this time i'd like to avoid that. i don't want to just eat it. and yeah, most tickets are non-refundable/non-transferable so that's another reason why this ticket is garbage if he can't make it. but yes, either way my lesson has been learned and there isn't a single soul who's going to see a dime out of me again

 

 

update: he called me this afternoon and assured me again that he should be able to come up with the money. i think it's starting to sink in a little bit... so we'll see. i explained to him today that he needs not only the ticket money, but spending money -- if he can't come up with spending money, he'll just have to sit out when the rest of us want to go do stuff. that should be his motivation to do whatever it takes to get some money.