I Cannot Trust Her

[venusianx13]

I (purposely) lost touch with someone who was one of myclosest friends since high school. Sheand I had been through a lot together, and I still have fond memories of growingup with her. When I threw my son his4-year birthday party almost 4 years ago, I invited she and her husband anddaughter to the party, as well as my ex (my son’s dad, and his fiancé at thetime). His dad and I had a history, butwere able to put it behind us and were on cordial terms at that point. At the party, my friend and my ex got totalking. They exchanged numbers andended up having some kind of emotional affair (I found out through my ex’s fiancé,as she was understandably upset over this.) I believe it would have come to more if my friend had let it, but itluckily did not. I was a bit disturbed by this, as it was, but I later came to find out that during this time, my exhad developed (or relapsed, as it was) into a drug addiction. When I came to find this out, I entered into a custody battle for our son. My friendacted as if she was supportive of me, and I did not know at the time about theextent of her contact with my ex. However, I later came to know that during that time, she was telling myex everything I had divulged to her about my plans, the custody battle,etc. Certainly this was poor judgment onmy part, but the truth of it is, I was not aware of the extent of their involvement until his (ex) fiancé came out and told me later on.

 

I quietly “left” the friendship. I never thought she was a bad person or hadmalicious intent, but I never did understand how she could do this. She was a mother, herself. Perhaps she didn’t believe my ex had a drugaddiction? I really don’t know. At any rate, I stopped responding to herphone calls, texts, emails, etc. It’s been years now, and I still miss her. I love her, and want her to be happy, but I know that I cannot trust her. The reason I post this is: she keeps trying to contact me, telling meshe hopes we can reconcile. I don’tthink we can. I harbor no ill feelingstoward her whatsoever, and I still hold her dear, but how can I possibly evertrust her again? And in coming to this ultimate conclusion, does she deserve an explanation?

Edited December 19, 2012 by venusianx13

[freestyle]

However, I later came to know that during that time, she was telling myex everything I had divulged to her about my plans, the custody battle,etc. Certainly this was poor judgment onmy part, but the truth of it is, I was not aware of the extent of their involvement until his (ex) fiancé came out and told me later on.

 

 

 

Did you ever confront your former friend about the emotional affair, or leaking information to your ex?

 

If so---how did she respond?

 

 

 

I went through something similar--a close trusted, long-term friend betrayed my confidence with my partner....I was devastated. And I don't see any reason to ever trust her again---there are some lines you just don't cross. Ever. In my case--I wasn't doing anything wrong--I suspected he was being unfaithful, & I confided in her about it.

 

He & I worked through it--and I found out much later---that she'd been going to him to complain about me--and even swore him to secrecy.She even fabricated stuff about me, to make me look bad to him. She was mad at me, because I'd warned her about getting involved with a former colleague of mine, who I knew to be emotionally abusive.

 

So-- of course, that made ME the "bad guy"---:confused:

 

So--armed with the knowledge of my complaints about him (my SO)--she was trying to undermine my relationship with him, out of spite. This all happened behind my back--while she was still smiling to my face, and asking me for favors....

 

 

 

Considering what you had at stake, Venusian---your friend was SO far out of line, it beggars belief.

 

I almost wonder if your ex intentionally drew her into the emotional affair, just to be able to milk her for info about you. And she fell for the flattery, hook,line, and sinker. Some attention & a handful of compliments--was enough to outweigh years of friendship with you....

 

It's an unthinkable violation of the friendship bond--and I don't blame you for feeling what you feel. Something like that is all the more painful, when you believed you were safe with that person. You'd think after that many years you would be.............but the sad truth is...you got sucker-punched.

 

I understand missing someone who once played a big role in your life--

(I really, really do.....) But I don't see ever being able to trust someone again after a breach of trust , of that magnitude.

 

What's that saying? "When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them..."

 

My advice is to mourn the loss---and save your time & energy for healthier friendships. (that's the conclusion I came to, in my sitch...) For me--a friend is someone I can safely confide in, and not have to worry about it getting used against me in the future.

[venusianx13]

Thanks for your reply, and I apologize for the jumbled text in my last post (I had created the post in a word doc.)

 

I have safely put the friendship behind me, but the other part of this is that I have had a hard time forming other close bonds due to this kind of betrayal. This(ex) friend of mine drops me messages from time to time, out of the blue, and it tugs at my heart, of course. I don't think she realizes the extent to which I know what she was doing behind my back. I am always tempted to tell her when she reaches out to me, but I wonder if it's best left alone. I know I cannot ever trust her again, and that's sad because she was/is such a decent person (at least for the most part.) I think you may be right that she really fed off of his flattery, and he was pretty infatuated with her. I think the context of their affair was more innocent on her part, as she is married and her husband didn't appear to be very concerned about any of it. My ex, on the other hand, destroyed his relationship with his fiance over this. And the drug thing was just bad altogether.

 

It was a confusing/messy situation. When it was all over (it ended ONLY because my ex's fiance told my friend in an email that she had destroyed their relationship, and my friend backed away), my friend sought my support because my ex began harassing her. It was during that time that everything came to light. At any rate... I guess I miss close frienships altogether. I don't want to be cold to my old friend, so I'm wondering if I should just tell her why I had to end the friendship. I never had divulged this to her in detail because of how crazy everything got. She knows I had cause to be upset with her, but I don't think she knows how deep a betrayal this was.

[freestyle]

Thanks for your reply, and I apologize for the jumbled text in my last post (I had created the post in a word doc.)

 

I have safely put the friendship behind me, but the other part of this is that I have had a hard time forming other close bonds due to this kind of betrayal. This(ex) friend of mine drops me messages from time to time, out of the blue, and it tugs at my heart, of course. I don't think she realizes the extent to which I know what she was doing behind my back. I am always tempted to tell her when she reaches out to me, but I wonder if it's best left alone. I know I cannot ever trust her again, and that's sad because she was/is such a decent person (at least for the most part.) I think you may be right that she really fed off of his flattery, and he was pretty infatuated with her. I think the context of their affair was more innocent on her part, as she is married and her husband didn't appear to be very concerned about any of it. My ex, on the other hand, destroyed his relationship with his fiance over this. And the drug thing was just bad altogether.

 

It was a confusing/messy situation. When it was all over (it ended ONLY because my ex's fiance told my friend in an email that she had destroyed their relationship, and my friend backed away), my friend sought my support because my ex began harassing her. It was during that time that everything came to light. At any rate... I guess I miss close frienships altogether. I don't want to be cold to my old friend, so I'm wondering if I should just tell her why I had to end the friendship. I never had divulged this to her in detail because of how crazy everything got. She knows I had cause to be upset with her, but I don't think she knows how deep a betrayal this was.

 

If I may be so bold--I'm going to gently hit you with a 2x4.

I suspect you're allowing sentimentality to cloud your vision.

Allow me to summarize the facts...

 

 

1. A close friend shouldn't be maintaining a bond with an ex of yours.

2. If said friend insists on maintaining a bond with an ex of yours---it should be a given that she doesn't feed him ANY information about you, that can be used against you.

 

How does anyone, with a fraction of a brain, NOT know that??

It's not rocket science, it's Integrity & Loyalty 101.

 

3. You were embroiled in a custody battle--for your child's safety, considering your ex was using drugs again.

 

4. Your former friend PRETENDED to support you--when she was actually spying in your ex's behalf. She was acting as a double agent.

 

5. This means--she was willing to compromise the safety of your child.

And for what? Ego strokes from your ex ....???!?!?!?!?

 

(even though she was married??WTF?!?!?!?!)

 

6. This also meant that she didn't take YOUR point of view, or feelings seriously. She sided against you, while simultaneously insulting your judgment. It shows an enormous disrespect.

 

7. She had the NERVE to seek emotional support from YOU, when your ex harassed her? She was playing the "Poor me, I'm the helpless victim" card?

 

Un-freaking-believable.

 

8. All this ^^^^^ after how many years of friendship?

 

9. Let's go out on limb, and assume that she didn't realize that what she was doing was wrong. It still doesn't paint a very good picture of her, does it? If she can't fathom that disloyalty, and deception are fundamentally wrong---and that they will damage a friendship irreparably---then she's a lost cause. Something is very wrong with her wiring.

 

 

These are points to remember, when you feel tempted to renew the friendship.

 

I guess you could send her a letter, calling her out for the crap she pulled--but my guess is that it would just be inviting more drama into your life. There's also a chance that she'd try to defend her actions (even though they're indefensible) which could end up re-triggering you.It's up to you, of course---but from an outside observer's point of view---I don't think you owe her anything.

 

I understand the crappy feeling of being reluctant to trust again.

I found out about my friend's betrayal, just a year ago, this week--I spent a couple of months numb from shock--just completely staggered by how unreal it was. It meant that I'd gone a long time, laboring under the delusion that she was still my friend---while she was maneuvering behind my back. It cut me to the very core. It meant I'd been fed a false reality.

Gaslighted, essentially.

To add insult to injury--it was immediately after me going through hell & highwater on her behalf, when she'd been through a major life crisis.

 

Never again.

[venusianx13]

Thanks for that, freestyle, and I wholeheartedly agree with you. I think my best course of action is to remain cordial when she does reach out, but to not rehash what happened in the past. If she doesn't understand why I'd need to stay away indefinitely after what happened...well, she's rather ignorant to say the least. Sorry you had to go through something very similar. Have you found it difficult to trust other female friends after what happened? Since then, I've really only kept close male friends, but I really do miss being close with another female.

Edited December 20, 2012 by venusianx13