Close friend that never admits to her weaknesses

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have a friend that is probably my closest friend in "real life". We have known each other for nearly 9 years. There has never been any drama, arguments or falling out....

 

However, she is one of those super positive people that never tells you anything negative. There are many examples and they mainly relate to guys and academic/job failures. When a guy rejects her, she never admits to it. She just goes "Never mind that" or something. If we go out and some guy asks for her phone number and never calls, she will never tell me that. Same for her relationships. She only talks about the men she dumped. When she gets dumped, she doesn't straight up lie but she is vague and elusive. Never really gives me a chance to be there for her.

 

In general, she seems cold and aloof. On the other hand, I talk about my failures and rejections really openly. It makes me feel foolish as she always seems so together and I am emotionally messy. She will listen and be there for me but she seems somewhat annoyed by my negativity

 

She works as a psychologist so maybe she is used to this dynamic. She often gives me what I call "free counseling sessions" - where she relates things back to my childhood etc. I am really not sure what she gets out of it - maybe I am her case study or something.

 

It's just really difficult for me to feel close to her because she is so closed up. Only time she lets her guard down a bit is when she is drunk.

 

I have actually been so bothered by this that I have decided a while back to stop putting any effort into this friendship. For the last couple of years, our friendship is basically maintained by her initiation. She has aggressive/assertive personality and she will call/text to meet up - I just need to show up. But it's her that never really lets this friendship fade.

 

What is her motivation for never admitting to weaknesses? Is she trying to be competitive? I can't help but think of some malicious intent :/

[Lonely Ronin]

What is her motivation for never admitting to weaknesses? Is she trying to be competitive? I can't help but think of some malicious intent :/

 

it's her personality type, she doesn't let failure or negativity get her down. when she does have a failure, she most likely analyzes it, and then set aside and moves on.

 

also, I have to say the fact that you think she has a malicious intent shows that you are the 1 that's being competitive. you have problems with your dating life, you need to accept that and be okay with it so that you can move on with the rest of your life.

[Treasa]

I would much rather have that than a friend who doesn't contact me except when she's between boyfriends, and even then just to sob on my shoulder and ask if he's going to come back.

 

Maybe she compartmentalizes it, or is like my mom and just gets over things.

 

Consider yourself lucky to have her.

[carhill]

Recount an episode in your relationship where she showed marked compassion and empathy for you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Recount an episode in your relationship where she showed marked compassion and empathy for you.

 

When my LTR ended earlier this year, she was very worried about me. I slept on her couch for a few days and she bought me ice cream and wine and watched depressing movies with me. At the time, he new relationship with her now bf was just starting. She was falling in love, yet she never abandoned me.

 

More recently, I had too much to drink at the party. When she saw that I was feeling unwell, she dragged me into a room (as to not embarrass myself in front of everyone). Then she held my hair when I threw up, and slept in the same bed as me to make sure I was OK.

[CC12]

When my LTR ended earlier this year, she was very worried about me. I slept on her couch for a few days and she bought me ice cream and wine and watched depressing movies with me. At the time, he new relationship with her now bf was just starting. She was falling in love, yet she never abandoned me.

 

More recently, I had too much to drink at the party. When she saw that I was feeling unwell, she dragged me into a room (as to not embarrass myself in front of everyone). Then she held my hair when I threw up, and slept in the same bed as me to make sure I was OK.

 

If she's doing these kinds of things for you and you're not putting any effort into the friendship, you should just end the friendship already. It's completely one-sided, with her listening to you and going out of her way to help you. What do you contribute to the friendship? In your own words, "I just need to show up." You're not being a good friend, it seems, yet you'll accept her very generous friendship. She does things for you that not many other people would do for their friends. Do you realize that? Not many people would let a friend stay on their couch for days while they get over a breakup, going as far as buying them ice cream and watching movies with them. Not many people are going to sleep in the same bed as you when you're drunk to make sure you don't choke on your own vomit or whatever. She's a good friend to you.

 

So it seems messed up that you feel you can only connect with her if she needs you to "be there" for her and admit to her weaknesses. Why do you need that from her in order to feel close with her? Do you not feel close with her when she's holding back your hair or giving you "free counseling sessions"? If you don't, that's fine. If she's too cold and aloof for you, that's fine. If your personalities don't mesh, that's fine. Just don't be friends with her. Don't take and give little in return.

 

What is her motivation for never admitting to weaknesses?/

Some people don't like to dwell on failures or negatives or weaknesses. Not everyone needs to unload things like that on their friends (not that there's anything necessarily wrong with unloading on friends.) Some people can easily let go of the negatives. Or maybe she just represses it. Whatever it is, it probably has more to do with her own personality than with you. I doubt she's trying to be competitive or malicious. That's kind of a strange assumption to make of her, assuming she doesn't have a prior history of it.

 

And, you know, if it helps, I can see one pretty glaring weakness of hers. She's still going far out of her way to be friends with someone who makes no effort to be friends with her. What that says about her, I can't say. But I think most people in her shoes would have given up on this friendship already.

[SpiralOut]

I

 

 

 

In general, she seems cold and aloof. On the other hand, I talk about my failures and rejections really openly. It makes me feel foolish as she always seems so together and I am emotionally messy. She will listen and be there for me but she seems somewhat annoyed by my negativity

 

I once had a friend who has very positive and upbeat. It seemed like everyone loved her. I didn't hear her complain about much of anything. I wasn't like that at all! I was always upset about something. I remember complimenting her on this and I asked her how does she stay so positive? She told me about some of the hard stuff she's gone through, and the attitude that she chooses to have so it doesn't get her down. It surprised me to hear that all this time I'd known her, she was dealing with hateful comments from all sorts of people. I've tried my best to take her advice since then.

 

It sounds like this woman is a very good friend to you. Maybe she doesn't want to let things get her down. Maybe she pretends that disappointments don't bother her. Maybe she doesn't want to feel like she's bothering you with her problems. I'm wondering what she may tell you if you ask her how she stays so positive. That might open up some dialogue about all these feelings you've written in your post.

Edited December 22, 2012 by SpiralOut