Dropped like hot pancakes over...? IDK!

[RhapsodyinBlue]

Sorry this is long, but I think the details are somewhat important.

 

I became friends with a guy I met on a dating site (Yes I am gay) back in October 2011. Obviously, he was attracted to me, but we had established early on that we would be friends and see where things would go. Needless to say throughout the duration of the friendship this guy was very flirtatious and would do things to lead me on. So I had a major conversation with him about that, but eventually he told me I was not his type and I was okay with that. I just didn’t want my emotions played with. Our conversations were deep and fun, but this guy had a tendency of going ghost and ignoring me (or maybe everyone) whenever he was “going through things.” I didn’t like that and he knew it.

 

Fast forward to this summer, he became distant again. He had lost his father back in the Spring and he was going through other issues. I tried to be as supportive as possible. He would call me at all types of hours throughout the night to talk about issues. We would tell each other we “love you” because we had a very deep understanding of one another and were friends.

 

I went to Panama in July for 2 weeks for a practicum for my graduate program and I sent him a message there and he didn't respond. I just told him I missed him because we were supposed to hang out before I went to Panama but he had become withdrawn again and plus he had gotten a DUI. So he was in a rough spot in his life. Well after a while, I sort of got used to the ignoring but I could never stop taking it personal. He always assured me that it wasn't me, but it was just he didn't feel like he could relate to anyone. Okay. I've been there plenty of times and understand. But I would continue to text him and I always made sure to spread the texts out. I GAVE him his space. I mainly wanted to make sure he was okay because he would just sound so down. Last time I talked to him in August, he and his sister had a huge falling out. He kept telling me he didn’t want to talk about it. So he went to the beach and sent me a picture of him lying on the beach. I didn’t say anything sexual. I always respected our boundaries even though we had sex twice but agreed that we wouldn’t catch emotions. Again, sometimes he'd respond and sometimes he wouldn't. If he did, it would be very short.

 

Needless to say, after I got back from Panama it seemed like everything went downhill from there. He became more and more distant and different. He didn’t even ask how my trip was or if I was back. So I waited a couple of days to tell him I was back. We're both Virgos. My birthday is first and then his. He sent me no happy birthday texts or anything. I tried not to take it personal. Meanwhile, I know for a fact that he had been going to clubs and house parties. Obviously, he was social enough for that. Why can’t he just return a simple text?

 

Finally in Sept I told him I felt like there was no reciprocity in our friendship and I think we should end things amicably. His response was "Oh ok" which was a red flag. He didn't want to reach an understanding or save his friendship? I wasn't going to continue to chase him around like a loose animal. I tried not to take it personal but his actions did not align with his words.

 

Anywho, I apologized to him about the delivery of the text because I can be kind of blunt. So again, I gave him his space. He accepted the apology. I sent him a text in October asking how he was and then one last week. Sometimes he wouldn't respond and so I'd send like a question mark and then he'd text me the following day and make up some excuse about how busy he was. Whenever I'd ask how he was doing his texts would follow along the same pattern of, "I'm fine. Thanks. I hope all is good with you." Wow. So you're not even going to ASK how I'm doing.

 

I texted him last week because I figured he was probably seeing someone. BIG WHOOPTY ****ING DOO. I just want to have a check in with him to see how things were going. I felt so hurt, but I tried not to let it show. He told me he had busy all that day and his BOYFRIEND was sick and he was on duty. I wasn’t upset that he had a boyfriend, but more upset at the fact that I felt like I had been a back burner boy all this time. I STUPIDLY made him a priority when he made me an option. I told him if he’d like for me to stop texting him then I would. He said, “You only text me once in a blue moon.” I was like, “Well I just wanted to give you your space. You seem happy.” He went into this rant about how happy he was and how in love he was. Apparently, he met the guy in July and started dating in August which explains why he pushed me away. He said he never reached out to me because he felt his life was getting worse and felt he had nothing to say to anyone.

 

But wait. You just dropped me like a plate of hot pancakes? I was there for you and cared for you and encouraged you when you needed me. But I guess I was just another back burner bitch to him. I told him I was happy for him and meant it. He said his purpose in this world was to love and to be loved. I told him great. I really was at a loss for words. So I tried to remedy the situation by being as level headed as possible.

To me that says that I (a good friend) wasn’t even worthy of your happiness. You found happiness. But I had to think about the fact that love has no ego and it does not bind. I love my friend enough to let him go. He’s shown me who he was and I thought I could fix him. But that’s not possible nor is it my job. So I came to the conclusion that I should just the leave the situation alone and expect him to never speak to me again. My friends think his relationship won’t last and he will come running to me. I honestly don’t know how I’d handle the situation.

 

I want to express my feelings of disgust so bad but another part of me is telling me to leave it alone. I feel hurt and taken advantage of. My friend didn’t even take the time to ask me how I was doing. That hurt. I didn’t do any of these things too appease him but because he would reach out to me and I know what it’s like to be up alone at night and wanting to do something stupid or wanting just a single person to talk to. I know that feeling all too well. I won’t play victim, but I’m so hurt and angry.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

I should also add that I am 24 and he is 31.

[Citizen Erased]

I'd advise you to end your friendship. Priorities change when you have a relationship, but shouldn't be to the extent of putting no effort into their friendships until they're single again.

 

Lose the bad friend, put the effort into others.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

Thank you. I felt like I spent the past year stressed out due to his antics.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

I'd advise you to end your friendship. Priorities change when you have a relationship, but shouldn't be to the extent of putting no effort into their friendships until they're single again.

 

Lose the bad friend, put the effort into others.

 

 

I told him how I felt about the situation and he pretty much said I was trying to make him feel bad. He told me life was constantly changing or some bull****. If he thinks that having a man/relationship is the root to having a successful life, then he has another thing coming. He is selfish and is always falling out with people including family. I don't even know why I'm surprised by his behavior. To be honest, I'm at the point where I can't even take it personal anymore. I mainly needed to vent.

 

I think he subconsciously is attracted to drama and cannot function without it. He danced around my issues about him being cold and distant and not reaching out. As I stated above, he accused me of trying to make him feel for trying to find his happiness. I told him he needed to think about the price he made when finding his happiness (aka his man).

 

I'm not jealous of the boyfriend. I just don't appreciate being treated as if I was some sort of convenient friend that he called he on when he was desperate. I didn't get a "thank you" or even a "kiss my ass."

[Chico333]

He sounds like a selfish person to me. He is not responsive to you and you are the one putting forth all the effort. It is hard when you deeply care for a friend and they do not reciprocate those feelings back to you or treat you on the same pedestal that you put them. I've been there many times. Best thing to do is to try and let that person go.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

He sounds like a selfish person to me. He is not responsive to you and you are the one putting forth all the effort. It is hard when you deeply care for a friend and they do not reciprocate those feelings back to you or treat you on the same pedestal that you put them. I've been there many times. Best thing to do is to try and let that person go.

 

Yeah I've decided to fully let it go. I wish no bad ill on him. I'm getting over it. I just hope he doesn't pop out of nowhere.... I'd be really pissed. I guess I shouldn't even think about it. I'll cross that bridge if I get there.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

By the way, my original post is somewhat wrong. I contacted him last week because I had a dream about him. Of course, in the dream he had a boyfriend and was cheating on the guy. I could care less about what the dream meant, but I thought that it was time to get to the bottom of the situation since this dream came out of nowhere.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

For anyone who cares:

 

Needless to say, he texted me back two weeks later and "apologized" for failing me as a friend. He addressed why he didn't reach out to me but never addressed why he would IGNORE me.

 

I responded because I was looking for closure. He said he never planned on stop talking to me but was caught up in his happiness. I wasn't a dick but I was very engaging in the texts.

 

I've tried not to think about it, but it still was hard for me to move on. He texted me yesterday about a new job he had gotten at my school. Although I'm proud of him and wish him the best, I didn't want to respond. The easiest way for me to deal with this is to not respond.

 

Am I being a dick by doing this?

 

I just feel like he will do whatever he can to keep me in his back pocket in case things go sour with his boyfriend. Maybe that's why he sent me the apology because he didn't want to burn bridges with me. I don't know!

 

But ignoring him for the first time felt so liberating but it sucks because I missed the friendship we had at times. But then again I was too blind to see the reality of the situation.

[queenofswords]

Well done - and don't respond. And I understand he didn't even ask you about you, he just told you about himself - seems like everything has to circle around him.

You are probably right that this person keeps you to make himself feel better, I have experienced a few people like this, even with the same kind of responses and I was not in love with them - it hurts that the efforts in friendship were not reciprocated. It is normal to feel rejected when a friend dumps you with no explanation.

 

And it's normal that it feels liberating - it's for the first time you are listening to your hurt feelings rather that caring about someone who is not worth it.

 

And thanks for this post as you last sentence about not responding answered my dillema whether I shall give a Christmas gift to a friend who behaved in exactly the same way as you described. I think it will be very liberating for me not to give her anything

 

I totally agree with people who say that he is selfish and his relationship will end, I'm also pretty sure he will contact you when he needs you and then it's your journey to learn how to deal with it. Good luck, I'm on a very similar journey.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

Well done - and don't respond. And I understand he didn't even ask you about you, he just told you about himself - seems like everything has to circle around him.

You are probably right that this person keeps you to make himself feel better, I have experienced a few people like this, even with the same kind of responses and I was not in love with them - it hurts that the efforts in friendship were not reciprocated. It is normal to feel rejected when a friend dumps you with no explanation.

 

And it's normal that it feels liberating - it's for the first time you are listening to your hurt feelings rather that caring about someone who is not worth it.

 

And thanks for this post as you last sentence about not responding answered my dillema whether I shall give a Christmas gift to a friend who behaved in exactly the same way as you described. I think it will be very liberating for me not to give her anything

 

I totally agree with people who say that he is selfish and his relationship will end, I'm also pretty sure he will contact you when he needs you and then it's your journey to learn how to deal with it. Good luck, I'm on a very similar journey.

 

 

 

Thank you darling. I really appreciate your words off wisdom. You are right. I have no idea what will happen long term but until then he needs a dose of his own medicine.

 

Don't tell me that you love me and that you consider me friends when you treat me like a stranger on the streets.

 

Sometimes we have to hear other people's situations to look into or own lives to evaluate certain circumstances.

 

I thank you for reading my long rant. I'd be more than welcome to hear your situation with your friend.

 

 

One of my favorite blues songs is called "Is You or Is You Ain't My Baby?"

 

I don't deal with on the fence people--lovers, friends or etc.

[queenofswords]

Thank you darling. I really appreciate your words off wisdom. You are right. I have no idea what will happen long term but until then he needs a dose of his own medicine.

 

Don't tell me that you love me and that you consider me friends when you treat me like a stranger on the streets.

 

Sometimes we have to hear other people's situations to look into or own lives to evaluate certain circumstances.

 

I thank you for reading my long rant. I'd be more than welcome to hear your situation with your friend.

 

 

One of my favorite blues songs is called "Is You or Is You Ain't My Baby?"

 

I don't deal with on the fence people--lovers, friends or etc.

 

Probably I should not continue with my story here but you gave me your permission.

 

Most of the story is described in the Difficult Friendship topic but after reading your story I have realised that she is cool with me whenever she starts seeing a guy. This is when she (let's call her T) suddenly cut me off some time ago, then I think he disappeared and T was again trying to contact me and I was supporting T when her sister had an operation of a bowel tumor etc and now apparently the same guy is in the picture again so T totally rejected me. I think he should support her with all her problems, especially when she cuts off her friends whenever she sees him. Of course T has never told me she is seeing someone, I've heard it from someone else, this is why it was a bit difficult to connect these facts. I don't know why T is acting like this, don't even know why she didn't tell me she was seeing a guy.

 

It's probably good for me even if frustrating - I need to be wiser next time. If he hadn't reappear, I would be helping her with something now.

 

I like what you said about people who tell you they love you or call you a friend and then treat you like a stranger on the streets - that's what she does - and she is definitely a friend who sits on the fence. You can't imagine how it helps to read stories of people in the same situation.

 

Well, in general I am quite sensitive and it is hard for me to lose people but this one is terrible as there was no closure for me. Probably she does not need a closure as if the relationship doesn't work she will try to be friendly again. I am really angry now and don't think I'll fall for it again but anything may happen as somehow I react on her manipulations. I think I just need to remember how it has ended twice already.

[RhapsodyinBlue]

Sorry for the delay. It's been one crazy weekend.

 

Yeah, I don't understand people like her. They think it's okay to use people at an emotional convenience and then run away when something "better" as come along. To me they are not real friends because they have NO loyalty to you and that says a lot about their character. If you have no loyalty to me, then I basically have very little reason to trust you.

 

Also, ask yourself AND her what is the friendship based upon?

 

In the past, I used to just cut people like that off. But in the past year or so, I began to let people know how I really feel about certain situations before doing any of that. It gives me a certain peace that I can't explain.