smoky eyes Posted October 17, 2012 Share Posted October 17, 2012 Recently, in the midst of the death throws of my relationship, I had a quick, ill-advised fling with a very old friend (Man A), who I hadn't seen for quite a while, but with whom there were always mutual feelings. And then a very intense date with a good friend of his (Man B), which Man A knew about. The date went nowhere on account of Man A's feelings. Man A felt completely betrayed anyway. I left town for a few months (not related). I came back and tried to mop up the mess with my old friend a bit, to discover that it's much worse than I thought. He's was often a bit negative in years past but appeared to me to be doing fine at the time of our fling; now however he seems completely, I would say clinically, depressed. I don't blame it 100% on what happened at that point, but it's definitely eating him up. Now I feel very worried after a depressed email from him and then silence to my response (that I was happy to talk about anything, but also understood if he didn't want to talk to me). Part of me feels that as an old friend I should rally round, pester him, make sure he's okay, try and fill some of the voids in his life (platonically). The other part feels that he needs me like he needs a hole in the head and I should make myself scarce for his mental health. We live far away and I feel completely out of my depth but can't shake being extremely worried. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Recently, in the midst of the death throws of my relationship, I had a quick, ill-advised fling with a very old friend (Man A), who I hadn't seen for quite a while, but with whom there were always mutual feelings. And then a very intense date with a good friend of his (Man B), which Man A knew about. The date went nowhere on account of Man A's feelings. Man A felt completely betrayed anyway. I left town for a few months (not related). I came back and tried to mop up the mess with my old friend a bit, to discover that it's much worse than I thought. He's was often a bit negative in years past but appeared to me to be doing fine at the time of our fling; now however he seems completely, I would say clinically, depressed. I don't blame it 100% on what happened at that point, but it's definitely eating him up. Now I feel very worried after a depressed email from him and then silence to my response (that I was happy to talk about anything, but also understood if he didn't want to talk to me). Part of me feels that as an old friend I should rally round, pester him, make sure he's okay, try and fill some of the voids in his life (platonically). The other part feels that he needs me like he needs a hole in the head and I should make myself scarce for his mental health. We live far away and I feel completely out of my depth but can't shake being extremely worried. Thoughts? The question is, do you really want a relationship with this guy or are you just going to continue to use him as a dick in a glass case? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smoky eyes Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Erm, I'd ideally like the friendship back in some way. I don't want a romantic relationship. I'm just really worried about him as I think he could use help (not just about me), and don't think he has a lot of people he can confide in. I don't know that I'm the right person, all things considered, but maybe better than no one? Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 Erm, I'd ideally like the friendship back in some way. I don't want a romantic relationship. I'm just really worried about him as I think he could use help (not just about me), and don't think he has a lot of people he can confide in. I don't know that I'm the right person, all things considered, but maybe better than no one? Ok....lets look at this scenario. You were in the middle of a break up, and decided to bang Guy A....who you knew had a thing for you. Immediately after that, you have an "intense" date with Guy 2. Lets cut through all the cutesy euphemisms like "intense." You kissed/sucked/fked/etc Guy 2....and Guy one found out about it. Now he's upset. Well, no ****. You knew your friend had feelings for you BEFORE you slept with him. But you did it anyway. Then you went after one of his friends and let the first guy find out about it. And you did this after, in his mind...he comforted you during your break up and that maybe he's finally getting his shot at you. He sees the truth now and he's hurt, and theres nothing you can do. If you want to contact him, go ahead. But don't pity him or pat him on the head like you seem to be doing. Don't contact him if you're doing it to assuage your own guilt for using him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smoky eyes Posted October 18, 2012 Author Share Posted October 18, 2012 Look, I'm not trying to sell the situation as anything other than it is. Of course the guy's upset, of course he has a right to be mad. (Although I didn't, for the record, f*&k Guy 2), with whom Guy 1 is still close. It's just me he's mad at. My problem/worry is that his misery seems to go far beyond the immediate situation. He told me he hasn't been happy about anything for months, which strikes me as a sign of abnormal depression. He's not happy about some professional things most people would be thrilled about. I clearly made the situation worse, but I think this has been going on for longer. If nothing had passed between us, I'd try to help/listen to all his problems, suggest he talks to someone qualified, etc. However, since I'm currently associated with painful memories, maybe I should stay away. If he can't be friends with me, so be it. But then I think I need to get in touch with some of his other friends and get them to fulfill that role. Because the guy is seriously worrying me. Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 If you feel the need to contact him, go for it. Apologize and let him know what happened wasn't his fault. Understand he's upset and hurting. And if you want the friendship to continue ....leave it open for a later date. He needs time to heal now. After what happened, he may look at your concern with skepticism. But...he may come around or he may not. You don't have any control over that. All you can do is try. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author smoky eyes Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 Cheers, Monster Mash. I think he just wanted to shout at me. So I've put in my two hours of listening to that, and am cautiously optimistic.. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 Yes, you were definitely careless with his feelings. That being said & done now, and there's no un-ringing that bell---one of the kindest things you could do for him, is give him whatever space he needs to heal. Your heart may be in the right place, as far as being concerned about his emotional state---but contacting him could be reopening the wound for him, and making it harder for him to heal. You were the one who inflicted the wound, it's not really your job to tend it--(if it's going to delay his healing)---the best you can do is offer a sincere apology, and leave the ball in his court. (no rattling his cage) The truth is ---it's really hard to go back to being "just friends" once you've crossed the line into being intimate. Perhaps some people can do it, but it does change the nature of a friendship forever, once that line has been crossed. ( a hard lesson I learned myself, when I was in my twenties) I guess you'll have to chalk this up to a learning experience. It's tempting to turn to a friend for comfort, when we're in the middle of an emotional crisis---but it's a good idea to consider what the fallout will be in the aftermath. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 Recently, in the midst of the death throws of my relationship, I had a quick, ill-advised fling with a very old friend (Man A), who I hadn't seen for quite a while, but with whom there were always mutual feelings. And then a very intense date with a good friend of his (Man B), which Man A knew about. The date went nowhere on account of Man A's feelings. Man A felt completely betrayed anyway. I left town for a few months (not related). I came back and tried to mop up the mess with my old friend a bit, to discover that it's much worse than I thought. He's was often a bit negative in years past but appeared to me to be doing fine at the time of our fling; now however he seems completely, I would say clinically, depressed. I don't blame it 100% on what happened at that point, but it's definitely eating him up. Now I feel very worried after a depressed email from him and then silence to my response (that I was happy to talk about anything, but also understood if he didn't want to talk to me). Part of me feels that as an old friend I should rally round, pester him, make sure he's okay, try and fill some of the voids in his life (platonically). The other part feels that he needs me like he needs a hole in the head and I should make myself scarce for his mental health. We live far away and I feel completely out of my depth but can't shake being extremely worried. Thoughts? I make it a rule never to date while feelings for someone else cloud my judgement.I cant date someone unless everything i have felt is done and dusted.....you are copping a fair amount of flak my post to you is not that way intended....you made a mistake a couple as freestyle said you cant unring the bell...you cant go back....... If it were me i would write him a letter saying exactly what is in your heart....you feel bad for him you never meant to hurt him maybe you could say you know that what you did caused some of his hurt and that you care about him as a friend that you want to be there for him if he needs you ....... then let him be.......dont contact him again unless he contacts you.....give him the space he needs......and i am sure you wont make the mistakes you made with guy A and guy B again..with guy C..it sucks when others get hurt......men have feelings just as we do.....they are conditioned not to show them which really sucks for them...... im still promoting the alpha males do cry belief and that nice guys only finish last sprinting......endurance marathon wise nice guys kick ass.......my two quotes for the day.....good luck and i hope your friend finds hope and happiness.....deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Daniel V. Ross Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 It is really find to look for real friends now. If you have them, you must know on how to value it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smoky eyes Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 @todreaminblue: I also don't think nice guys necessarily finish last. Everyone's pretty nice in this situation: my friend, his friend, my ex-boyfriend. Even I'm nice most of the time... present situation accepted. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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