How to deal with a Male friend who may have feelings

[rose27]

I've had a male friend for a year and I've noticed that he says things that indicate that he likes me or wants to be more than just friends. I believe that I've made it quite clear to him that I'm not interested- I just don't feel attracted to him and I don't think it's fair to waste his time. I've been single for a year and a half and I won't just go out with anyone for the sake of it or out of convenience.

 

Anyway, I'm noticing that he's been ignoring my calls and texts then calling back two or three days later with no real valid excuse as to why. He sort of just acts like I never sent a text or called and I'm starting to think that he's trying to play some sort of a game. It's actually quite frustrating because I respect him and he's a great support, but I shouldn't have to like him just because I'm a female and he's a male. I've noticed that I've been quite b**chy towards him and I'm stirring him up. A part of me thinks that this is me subconsciously trying to turn him off. I don't know why but I can't help it. I feel like it's getting to a point where it's ridiculous. I don't want to throw a friendship down the drain but I feel like I could be hurting him by not having feelings for him. I know how It feels but you can't exactly force anyone To like you.

 

Any suggestions on how I can handle this situation?

Edited May 21, 2012 by rose27

[january2011]

Accept that your friendship has been irrevocably changed by his change in feelings for you. Everything that's happened cannot be taken back.

 

He may feel awkward and unable to handle the rejection. And he's allowed that.

 

Both of you are adults and have the right to choose who, how and when to engage with each other. It's a negotiation but you also both have the right to refuse to accept behaviour that you disagree with. However, while you have the right to expectations and hopes for the friendship, he has to meet you half way. If he cannot do that, then it's not going to work.

 

Give him time, refuse to participate in any game-playing. Watch your own behaviour and be respectful. You cannot control him but you can control yourself. If the friendship cannot return to how it was before, you might have to accept that this is the new state of affairs.

[Frank13]

Guys don't become friends with females they aren't attracted to. That's what male friends are for.

 

It is weird that women can do this, but guys see it as I stated above.

[carhill]

Question and comment:

 

Question: Did you get this sense immediately or did it develop over time? IME, women are pretty keen about sensing a man's attraction so, in the beginning, did his behaviors match up with your gut feelings about male platonic friendships?

 

Comment: IME, having a 'get to know' style of developing attraction, I've faced this a lot in life. The women I respected the most, some of which who went on to become healthy platonic friends, were those who were clear and unambiguous about their feelings (or lack thereof) regarding romantic intent. I especially respected those who preempted any unhealthy feeling development by acting on their attraction style, generally the style I call the 'ten second style' where they know within ten seconds of meeting whether the guy is a romantic prospect or not, clearly and transparently. No surprises. I heard clear words immediately that nothing romantic would ever happen. While I found such revelations to be completely counter to my own style of 'getting to know', I respected them.

 

Good luck.

[lovinghut]

I understand your situation so well. but it's hard. first you have to find other ways to fill your time instead of relying on him. add more friends, different people who will support you and make you feel better then just get rid of him. He will not be your friend because he already has feelings for you.

 

I had a guy that did the same thing, he was the sweetest guy in the world but BOY I was so turned off by him because of lack of attraction he would say random things like oh i think you're beautiful i think you're the most amazing women in my life. all I could think of was GROSSSS GTF away from me. but as a friend, he was my workout buddy, I was pretty happy with that. I ended up getting new workout buddies to avoid him.

[Shohane]

I have had male friends say they "liked" me, and we are still friends To me, it's so easy to deal with it: I don't mind their saying "weird" stuff. We could be friends but when they touched on the subject of "love", I just told them to change topic or diverted their attention to another subj... XD LOL ... As long as I stay in control and decide how to respond, their behaviors aren't annoying to me.

 

IMO, it'd be cruel to deny them friendship as well the moment they showed their feelings to me... If male friends dropped me the moment I showed some feelings, I'd be too scared to show them any feelings .. XD

Edited June 2, 2012 by Shohane