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Friends tell me I have too much game


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Old 26th September 2011, 6:18 PM   #1
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Unhappy Friends tell me I have too much game

Recently, several (at least three) of my friends have commented on my confidence/popularity level in a manner that caused me to feel like they were downing themselves at the same time.

1) A girlfriend and I were talking about dating/not dating. I said I get hit on a lot, but I also said this sucks. She said something to the effect of she doesn't get hit on or has zero game. She also said she's not looking to date, so "it's not such a bad thing." I can't remember what she said after that, but I distinctly remember her saying in the course of the conversation that I have "too much game." I was mollified.

2) A male friend and I were talking, and he said something to the effect of he's not anybody. I said if he's nobody, then why do I care about him so much. Then he pointed out that I have a lot of people who love me, but he feels like he doesn't have anybody. I felt like he was trying to say he doesn't have enough. He also said he feels like he only has fun when he's with me, and I'm the only one he can really be himself with. I couldn't figure out how to respond.

3) A guy I'm talking to from long distance told me that he perceives me to receive all the (male) attention that I want. He was trying to suss out whether I wanted the attention, and if I was actually getting it. He confirmed this to me.

And the more I think about this, I keep coming up with more instances. It's coming to the point where I'm starting to feel bad. I know that is not the correct response. My feelings are at cross-purposes to a part of my own philosophy, which is potentially naive. I believe that everyone deserves to feel empowered. One of my daily goals is to make at least one person smile. Maybe not (or maybe? I don't know) helping the matter is that I'm hyperactive, and by all accounts sweet and cute. I have an ego bigger than the universe, but I express it in the form of being confident and trying to make other people feel comfortable and uplifted.

How do I respond do these people? I know it's going to happen again.
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Old 26th September 2011, 7:00 PM   #2
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You are not responsble for their life choices. You are not responsible for their happiness. They choose to feel down about themselves.

As someone who wants to make people happy, it's understandable that all this upsets you. But you cannot take on this burden. It will suck you dry.

Being a positive and bright person, it's natural that people want a piece of the action and that doesn't necessarily imply malicious intent, but they are like moths attracted to the light.

I think that if a little encouragement about having a positive mental attitude, etc., doesn't work then you might need to slowly extricate yourself from people who don't seem to be happy no matter what you do or what they do.
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Old 27th September 2011, 1:13 AM   #3
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It sounds like these people are frustrated because they feel they are not able to relate to you in these ways (dating, popularity). I would say they are jealous of you, not necessarily in a malicious way but in a way that makes them feel sad.

This is not your fault. However, if you give them a peppy talk about being positive they will probably find it hard to take you seriously because they perceive you as being so put together that you don't understand them.

Did you ever used to have trouble with dating? Ever used to have trouble making friends? If so then I would respond to them by saying something like "yeah I used to have trouble with that too, and I found that doing [whatever it was you did] really helped a lot"

I'm not trying to suggest you put yourself down, but being humble might help them to feel that you understand them. If they can see that you used to have problems too, and that you are now over those problems, they will feel inspired by you.

If that doesn't work, then maybe start to limit your contact with them and find some other positive people to hang around with. It's not your job to make them happy.
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Old 27th September 2011, 3:25 AM   #4
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I did actually have problems, but they are related to issues I had at home. My dad was abusive (and I just divorced from an abusive man) and my mom is a closet narcissist, so for a long long time I was super non-confrontational. Even with super close friends, I can't just tell this so they might relate better to me. It puts a lump in my throat just thinking about it.

I do feel humble about this popular thing. I've never thought of myself in that way until relatively recently, when people started telling me it out of the blue. I often asked my best friend how I got to be so lucky, but quit when he told me that I'm not lucky, I'm just awesome. I then realized saying that is basically saying I don't deserve y'all. So I started thanking people for their friendship instead, and giving out random "you're wonderfuls."

With the girlfriend, I did share the mantras I repeat to myself when I start getting insecure about xyz situations. But, I believe her stuff goes deeper than I can ever imagine. I told her I think everybody deserves to feel good about themselves, and she looked at me like, "Yeah, in what universe."

RAWR. I had something else but I'm tired and I have to get up for class in three hours.
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Old 27th September 2011, 7:13 AM   #5
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As long as your intentions are good--you're not hurting others to build yourself up--then it's not you're ego, it's your self-esteem. (There's a difference.) You feel good about yourself by helping others feel good about themselves. You can compliment your friends all you want, but if they have no self-esteem, it won't help them.

Teach them by example: Instead of worrying how others make them feel (including you), tell them to start thinking about how they make other people feel. Once they do someone else some good, they'll feel better about themselves.
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Old 27th September 2011, 10:19 AM   #6
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Maybe you could dial it down a notch? Hyperactive happy people can get annoying.
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Old 27th September 2011, 10:54 AM   #7
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If you want to help them feel better, offer to tell them how you came to developed this game. If they ask for the advice, give it to them. Tell them exactly what drives you to be the way you are. How you make yourself look good, and how to have the positive outlook on life. If they are too lazy to improve themselves, then you can clear your concience that you tried and they didnt want it. Tell em, "hey, if you like feeling sorry for yourself, thats great, but I cant coddle you." That might keep them from syaing this to you all the time. Nothing worse than having downers constantly pullin on ya.
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Old 1st October 2011, 4:26 PM   #8
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Miss Clavel, there's no way I can ignore or oppress parts of myself. I did it for eleven years while I was with my ex, and it made me feel hopeless and worthless.

Eddie Edirol, I like what you said. It's something I knew, I think, in the back of my mind. It's how I was able to leave my ex, but applying the same philosophy to friends who are good people but super insecure is a lot harder. Personal growth is a merciless bitch sometimes.

And Badenov, I like "ask how they make other people feel." A new golden rule I learned the other day is "treat other people how they want to be treated," versus "do unto others as they do unto me." It makes the concept completely selfless. Utter selflessness is not my goal, but...I can't be as spiteful as the second might instruct.

Last edited by afruitsnack; 1st October 2011 at 4:33 PM..
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Old 1st October 2011, 6:07 PM   #9
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Three tips that help stay on mutual ground.
A CO worker of mine who is confident also carries the three keys to likeability.
1: Never compares himself to others or places anyone on a pedestal, nor does he tear them down.
2: When listening, that is exactly what he does. He doesn't respond with what he would do , but continues to lead the person to THINK for themselves. He echoes what they said and then gets them to consider it.
3: When in doubt, he has remained genuine with compliments.
Oddly he has that welcoming attitude and jovialness to make light of himself and others.

Anyone who talks about themselves and compares is in for a bumpy ride in life. Instead aspire, inspire and sometimes perspire to find that middle ground.

I gain from the OP that a wee bit more of refraining from casting shadows on others is in order. Allow others into the sunlight , accept them, for someday they may be higher up in self esteem and be grateful for the supportiveness. No one gets there alone....
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Old 1st October 2011, 8:09 PM   #10
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I am crazy loyal to my people, and even strangers get a level of loyalty until they disrespect me or one of my people. I only asked my original question so as to gain other opinions. I'm not trying to self-aggrandize or get "drop those insecure sorry bastards" answers. Most of the people in my life don't say things like what I listed; it's maybe a handful or so of people who do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayla View Post
Three tips that help stay on mutual ground.
A CO worker of mine who is confident also carries the three keys to likeability.
1: Never compares himself to others or places anyone on a pedestal, nor does he tear them down.
2: When listening, that is exactly what he does. He doesn't respond with what he would do , but continues to lead the person to THINK for themselves. He echoes what they said and then gets them to consider it.
3: When in doubt, he has remained genuine with compliments.
Oddly he has that welcoming attitude and jovialness to make light of himself and others.
People are not comparable. I do my best not to compare myself to others and try to urge friends to do the same. Listen is what I do. I'd rather listen and observe than talk. I look people in the eye and engage. If people ask for advice, I tell them what I do; I don't tell them what they should do. I offer my philosophies if they ask and they can take them or leave them. It's very hard for me to be insincere; what you see is what you get with me. I don't judge people. I don't tell people what they should or shouldn't do. I empathize with people instead.

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Originally Posted by Tayla View Post
Anyone who talks about themselves and compares is in for a bumpy ride in life. Instead aspire, inspire and sometimes perspire to find that middle ground.
Agreed, but are you directing this at me, or the people who I'm asking for advice about responding to?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayla View Post
I gain from the OP that a wee bit more of refraining from casting shadows on others is in order. Allow others into the sunlight , accept them, for someday they may be higher up in self esteem and be grateful for the supportiveness. No one gets there alone....
Did you see the part where I don't think of myself as Miss Popularity, and am thankful that people continue to like me? And the part where one of my daily goals is to brighten at least one person's day? And my long-term philosophy being to uplift, empower, and comfort people?

I do have intense self-esteem and confidence (and a good bit of ego), and I'm not going to feel bad about that. I do what I do and people can take me or leave me. I generate a great deal of positive energy and I give it willingly and freely. I don't guess I can really help it if some people feel I'm casting shadows versus simply trying to share my optimism and spread goodwill.
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Old 1st October 2011, 8:23 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afruitsnack View Post
I generate a great deal of positive energy and I give it willingly and freely. I don't guess I can really help it if some people feel I'm casting shadows versus simply trying to share my optimism and spread goodwill.
a) I almost shot ginger ale out of my nose when I read the thread title
b) from the title I assumed you were male

What you ended your previous post with is key. If you are just being yourself and your actions are truly good and you mean well... then just keep being you. No one should want you to compromise that, and if they do... move on. period. I have a friend that I want to strangle sometimes, but at the end of the day she is my friend and I know that she is a good person. She is entitled to their own individuality. If I didn't love and respect her 100%, she wouldn't be my friend
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Old 1st October 2011, 9:09 PM   #12
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a) I almost shot ginger ale out of my nose when I read the thread title
b) from the title I assumed you were male
hahaaa!
a) I'm glad to be of service
b) I've been told more than a couple of my philosophies are man-like (needing space in relationships and sex are the first two that come to mind). When people tell me "B" I just blink. lol.

I'm darn sure going to keep being me. I guess I'm mentally flopping around, molting old habits and thought patterns and still trying to keep my close friends close. Sometimes I want to slap growth in the head.
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