Seeing eye to eye

[Zolie]

I haven't been around LoveShack in a while, but an incident with a dear friend yesterday and today caused me to pop back in to post about it and get other's perspectives.

 

But, I started reading other folks' threads first and I came to a strong realization: There are always going to be differing opinions between people who care about one another (and even between people who don't care about one another, lol).

 

I think of my own issues, and read some of the issues some of you have, and I am just saddened that we all have such strife in our lives. Although I am glad to know it's not just me, I am still pained to know that everyone experiences this.

 

What pains me the most is knowing that when two people don't see eye to eye on a subject, they will almost never see eye to eye on that subject. Generally, people don't speak their mind unless they firmly believe what they are saying is true, so once it's out there, both parties will either argue about it trying to convince the other party their own side is right, and then will either agree to disagree, or will have a parting of the ways. And my experience with both outcomes are that things are never the same afterwards. Even when both parties make up, there is still that underlying issue just waiting to rear its ugly head.

 

Wow, I really sound like a defeatist, eh? I guess I am this week, after having a blow out with my best friend of 30 years. About religion. Yeah.

 

So, she became a devout Christian 15 years ago. She was not raised with any religion or in a church as a child, and came to Christianity of her volition as an adult. I, on the other hand, was raised a Christian, and still am one, but when I became an adult I chose not to practice organized religion, nor to blindly believe everything I was taught in Sunday School as a child. I chose to evaluate what I believe and how I practice my worship, and I am content with these choices. I also chose not to believe certain interpretations of the Bible.

 

For example the part that says Homosexuality is a sin. I do not wish to worship a Book or a God that condemns something that I think is perfectly normal. I myself am totally heterosexual, but I do not think homosexuality is wrong, aberrant, sinful, evil, etc. And I cannot worship a god that would condemn half of his own people. It doesn't even make sense.

 

But, this post is not about religion or whether homosexuality is wrong, it's about how my friend and I will never see eye to eye on these subjects. It first came up between us some 10 years ago, and we had to agree to disagree about it. We were both polite, but I made it clear I did not want to go to her church with her anymore. She had invited me off and on for 5 years and I almost always went. At that time of my life I was still exploring what I believe and how I wished to worship, so I still had an open mind. But when I finally realized I didn't like what her church is teaching I chose to step back. My friend more or less respected this, but I know she has felt all along that I am wrong, that I am "lost", that I living an untrue life, etc.

 

And now I know she believes that all of my problems will be solved if I will just go to church and make God my Ruler. She actually told me today that I am letting my ego get in the way and that I need to put it aside and let God lead me.

 

This all started yesterday when I was upset about something and since she is my best friend I called to tell her about it. Her answer was to invite me to her women's group at church last night. When she first invited me, I actually accepted, because I was so distraught at that moment, I thought it might help - I do recognize the value of prayer and the peace it brings.

 

But, later in the day I realized it would be opening a can of worms to attend her group with her. So, knowing that she would not take no for an answer over the phone, I chose to send her a short email declining her offer, closing with this: Thank you for being my friend and understanding that I just want to be alone tonight. I love you for wanting to help me, though.

 

She immediately called and I had to answer, and she said she would not take no for an answer. And she ended up bullying me into saying okay.

 

Which I started to resent, of course. During the conversation I did remind her she knows how I feel about organized religion, and her response was "You don't know anything about organized religion." WTH?

 

It turns out I was not able to go after all, because I had already arranged to pick up my grandson from daycare for my daughter who would be picking him up shortly afterwards. I knew this when my friend invited me to church, but the schedule was such that I would be able to do both. But, my daughter ended up being late due to circumstances beyond her control. So, when she called to tell me this, my friend was here, and I told her she would have to go without me. She said she would just wait for my daughter and we could go late.

 

That's when I got firm and just told her I really didn't want to go. So she left. Not in a huff, but things were strained between us.

 

So, today I sent the following light, but serious email to her about 4:00:

 

If we were dating, would we be breaking up now? Just kidding! :-)

 

We just have to agree to disagree on the subject of religion. My beliefs are much different than yours, but in some cases they are much the same, too. I am glad we can respect each other's beliefs! And I love you for wanting to show me yours, but I also appreciate your understanding when I don't want to participate.

 

Thank you for loving me even though I know I also frustrate you!

 

She never responded to the email, but she showed up on my doorstep after work, an hour or so later. To talk about it in person. Which I respect, but it turned ugly.

 

So, back to my original couple of paragraphs, I know we will never, ever see eye to eye on this. And frankly I don't want to continue the friendship, knowing this. What is the point? We have managed to survive the past 10 years by just ignoring the subject, but because the matter is so broad and so vast, that meant we have had to have many superficial conversations, walking on eggs, making sure we didn't step on one another's toes.

 

I don't want to live my life like that! I don't want my best female relationship to be with someone who sees things so much differently than I do. I really DO want to break up with her! But, she won't let that happen. She still thinks she has to save me.

 

BTW, I have this same issue with a dear relative who is like a sister with me, regarding the homosexuality thing. She also sees it as wrong, and she knows I don't, but fortunately we see eye to eye on everything else and therefore still enjoy one another's company. We don't have to mince words with one another.

 

I am glad to have a place to vent this problem I am having. Sorry it turned into a novel. Thanks, all.