Ended a friendship of over 12 years. Why did he do this?

[LuckyLady13]

My mother has been very abusive and my "friend" kept pressuring me the past year to be around her again in the future "as mother and daughter".

 

I got into therapy early this year after severing contact with my mother and being very close to having to get a restraining order. I suffered post traumatic stress disorder from the abuse from her, especially the past few years. My "friend" knew all about this. But in the past year after I severed contact with her and got into therapy, he pressured me multiple times saying she's going to surprise me one day, see the error of her ways, miss me and all this stuff...that I really could have lived without hearing. My mother has been especially bad the past 7 years or so.

 

I first chalked this up to her probably having contact with him and trying to tell him how she's a changed person and things will be great now. She played the changed person routine with me a few years ago and I found out the hard way that she was MUCH WORSE the second time around.

 

Why in the world would someone who had sent me flowers in the past to cheer me up during a bad time keep pressuring me to believe my abusive mother would turn over a new leaf after all this time and pressure me into thinking of being near her again in the future? The woman is a violent, obsessive lunatic. I'm not going near her again.

 

I told my friend over and over and over the past year to STOP. He'd wait a few weeks and then again bring up how she's going to change.

 

Second situation and second reason for ridding him from my life - If it weren't enough that he was trying after I asked and then told him not to pressure me to be near someone who abused me, my ex-boyfriend was also abusive. Obviously I've cleaned up my life and got both people out a while back now. I pushed my ex-boyfriend out the door and remember clearly him clawing at the doorframe trying to stay. This "friend" started saying a year or so later "when he left" and I told him he knows what happened and if it weren't bad enough he was abusive, I sure am not some poor abandoned little puppy dumped off on the side of the road. I told him I'd appreciate the pat on the back I deserve for throwing him out and improving my life. I made the right decision. From that point on, he became ADAMANT about saying my ex "left".

 

 

What in the world is wrong with this "friend"? Sometimes it's hard to see the forest through the trees and being in the middle of this situation, I can't see for the life of me why someone would do this? Why pressure someone to be near an abusive person and become adamant to never admit that your friend made a very great move in her life by throwing an abuser out the door?

 

 

If I had a friend who had made a great move like that and got rid of an abusive person in her life and got on her feet, I'd pat her on the back and tell her how proud I am of her for doing something so difficult and let bask in having some pride for a while in her accomplishment.

 

 

Why did he find it impossible to admit I got rid of that guy?

[Ronni_W]

Hi LL.

Congrats for eliminating negative influences from your life! :bunny:

There are some people who desperately need to be needed. Your ex "friend" is reminding me a bit of that. Basically, he needs you to be the "victim" so that he can be the "hero"; he needs you to be the "lost seeker" so that he can be the "guru"; he needs you to need or want "salvation" so that he can be your "saviour".

 

His entire crazy-fantasy vision of himself relies on you having low self-esteem, and feeling powerless and helpless to improve your own life and circumstances. So, if he started giving you credit for all your positives and for your HIGH self-esteem decisions...then, obviously he would be defeating his own crazy-delusional purposes.

 

You are, of course, none of those things that he needed you to be (that would have supported his fantasy)...I would suggest that his words and actions are his deluded ways of trying to "turn you into" what he needed you to be; him trying to manipulate you into thinking-believing that you actually are like that, and therefore do need him to "save" you from your enemies, from yourself and from Life itself.

 

Congratulations for not falling for any of it, and for finally just turfing him!

[LuckyLady13]

Ronni! Long time no "see". Glad to hear from you. I was actually thinking to myself I hope Ronnie takes a look at this.

 

THANK YOU for the congrats, Ronni. I really appreciate that so much right now.

 

You know...it didn't take long to read your response and just feel like BINGO! That explains why he bought me flowers during a tough time but then has (what felt like) been trying to keep my self-esteem beat down and push me toward a real bad situation.

 

This sounds like a pretty spot on explanation to me.

 

Thanks again for the congrats. Hope all is well with you.

[Ronni_W]

You definitely do deserve the 'congrats', LL -- you worked hard for it, and can be very proud and admiring of your own efforts and accomplishments.

 

All is indeed well with me, thanks for the wishes.

 

That explains why he bought me flowers during a tough time but then has (what felt like) been trying to keep my self-esteem beat down and push me toward a real bad situation.

Yes, exactly -- that's the pattern and rhythm people like this need, and go to great lengths, to establish. They need you to feel down on yourself or life so that they can be the one to "lift your spirits"...and, of course, they need you to have frequent 'downs'...so that they can frequently lift you up.

You get stuck in the cycle, and they're "always there" to help you feel better. But then they must take away your happy feelings...so that they can make you happy all over again.

 

 

Good to "see" you, too -- keep creating those excellent outcomes for yourself

[BellaBellaBella]

Lots of people can't understand cutting off ones parents to save sanity. He actually lost a long time adult friend over the situation. He had never met DH's mother.

My husband had to do this many years ago. His mother was so destructive, he almost got fired. We had to have a restraining order taken out and we also had to get call block from our phone. The truly hard part is that we also had to take away his Developmentally Disabled sister, as she was being physically and verbally abused.

 

In the end we had to take up contact again, when she became ill and go to court to have her declared incompentent. Ultimately, she got med's to clear up, we went into mediation and got her out after taking the social worker and two attorney's into the house filled with bugs and rodents etc. We provided the bug sprayed. We also showed receipts from having the house fumigated twice.

 

What a mess. She is died about 2 years ago and he just feels relieved. We still take care of his sister.

[vintagecat]

Your ex-friend sounds overly controlling and overly involved in relationships that he has no business interjecting himself in.

 

I agree with Bella in that some people just don't understand having to cut off family. I don't have that issue (my family is only mildly dysfunctional, with feuding ideological wing-nuts sprinkled here and there) but I have an old friend that essentially had to move across the country to get away from her crazy, substance abusing, terribly dysfunctional family in order to have a normal life. And in spite of your ex-friend's professed belief system, none of those people that she left changed one iota, several having already gone to the grave being the same selfish, drunken, mean people that she had to deal with growing up. Ironically, they normally treated me very well when I visited, but I saw what they did to her and there was no excuse for their behavior.

 

It sounds like you did the right thing for your safety and sanity. Who knows what motivates people to do what they do? Your ex-friend could very well feel ill used, having the delusional belief that he was acting in your best interest, or OTOH he could have secretly enjoyed controlling the drama that he was trying to direct at your expense. It doesn't really matter though. What matters is that you acted in your own best interest and cleared your life of an obstacle (no matter how well meaning or dangerous) that threatened to drag you back into the morass of problems that you've fought so diligently to be free of from your past.

 

Perhaps you may need to not discuss your past in much detail with new friends that you make in order to keep them as a "free zone" away from the influence (even by remembrance) of those former dragons that you've slain. If you need to talk occasionally, I'd suggest a good family counselor just to keep the decks clear and your life on track without sullying up your friendships.

 

Good luck to you. You sound like a survivor to me.

 

Cat

[LuckyLady13]

Thanks for your replies guys. I really do appreciate it.

 

Bella, you're right. Some people don't understand. Even my boss couldn't understand when she started calling the work line since I wouldn't answer my cell at work. He saw the look of terror on my face when she'd call and I said "no, no, no! You can't let her call me here!" It was supposed to be my safe zone. He said she sounded so sweet on the phone. If only he heard what she was saying to me. My old boss was a caring guy who was close with his family and had that really warm way about him so he totally didn't understand abuse.

 

Also, I feel bad for your husband because I relate to his situation and sometimes it's so hard. I see people talking about being around their parents and having good times or their parents trying to look out for them. They look happy when they talk about their parents and I never have anything to add to a conversation like that.

 

 

Cat, with my experience with my drug addicted mom over the years, one thing I know is she changes alright but for the worse! The harder I was trying to get her grip off of me (felt like she was standing on the back of my neck), the more abusive she got trying to keep that control. It got so bad.

 

The day I threw my ex out the door, he had pushed me down the stairs first thing that morning right after I woke up. Great reason to say goodbye!

 

It hadn't occurred to me that I can keep new friends as a "free zone" because this past year and a half is the first time in my life I'd actually be able to! Obviously, Mom was barging into my life at every moment so I couldn't "hide" her before. People always found out when she'd show up or call...screaming at me and calling me names and threatening me. I think the only reason she never showed up at the job I mentioned is because I worked with children (up to 700 at a time! ) and she knew how fast she'd get arrested.

 

A friend "free zone". I've never had that before!