I'm very outgoing, but can't make friends!

[pigeonfeathers]

So I can't make friends. I'm very outgoing, meet a ton of people every month at different events, and people do like me. But I just don't take the initiative to spend time with people *outside* these large events.

 

The main issue is that I'm not sure *how* to transition from "Oh, you're that person I see a lot at different events" to a friend. Let's take the typical situation: I'm a guy, but I relate better to women because I don't like working to get past a lot of guys' macho crap. So I'll meet a girl at an event, but don't go the phone number route because I don't necessarily want to be hitting on her. First question: what's the best way to exchange numbers while keeping my interest vague? Not for fear of rejection, but simply because I don't want to send the wrong signals. So far my best approach is "We need to hang out. Let's exchange numbers." Thoughts?

 

But that's not the real issue. Let's say we do exchange numbers, which I do from time to time. Then, the major issue is: what the hell do I do, now? I've done the "let's grab lunch" and "let's grab drinks," and it'll usually be a great time, but then what? I have some lunch buddies and drink buddies that I see every few weeks when we grab lunch or drinks, but that's not a friendship. How do I transition these acquaintances into real friendships?

 

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance

[Golfilla]

So I can't make friends. I'm very outgoing, meet a ton of people every month at different events, and people do like me. But I just don't take the initiative to spend time with people *outside* these large events.

 

The main issue is that I'm not sure *how* to transition from "Oh, you're that person I see a lot at different events" to a friend. Let's take the typical situation: I'm a guy, but I relate better to women because I don't like working to get past a lot of guys' macho crap. So I'll meet a girl at an event, but don't go the phone number route because I don't necessarily want to be hitting on her. First question: what's the best way to exchange numbers while keeping my interest vague? Not for fear of rejection, but simply because I don't want to send the wrong signals. So far my best approach is "We need to hang out. Let's exchange numbers." Thoughts?

 

But that's not the real issue. Let's say we do exchange numbers, which I do from time to time. Then, the major issue is: what the hell do I do, now? I've done the "let's grab lunch" and "let's grab drinks," and it'll usually be a great time, but then what? I have some lunch buddies and drink buddies that I see every few weeks when we grab lunch or drinks, but that's not a friendship. How do I transition these acquaintances into real friendships?

 

Any thoughts? Thanks in advance

 

I suggest forgetting about this "I'm outgoing" business and get yourself some hobbies beyond simply grabbing lunch or drinks, and finding some people who share your interests. Then you'll actually have something to talk about, and something you can do together.

[pigeonfeathers]

Apologies if the "I'm outgoing" blurb sounded self-congratulatory. I was just trying to highlight the distinction between meeting a lot of people (which is not an issue for me) and turning those people into friends (which is).

 

I do have interests, but they don't really lend themselves to making deep connections. For instance, a big part of my life right now is philosophy and spirituality (exploring Buddhism and meditation, for instance), which is hard to turn into an activity I do improv/acting as well, but that's also hard to turn that into something to do together (other than "let's go see a show").

 

Anyway, I appreciate the advice, and you do have a point. If I can find some more normal hobbies, that'd be great.

[pigeonfeathers]

Oh, in terms of hobbies, I also volunteer regularly with different organizations. That's a normal hobby, right? But again, the same applies. How to transition an acquaintance who I see at a volunteer event into a friend?

[Golfilla]

Apologies if the "I'm outgoing" blurb sounded self-congratulatory. I was just trying to highlight the distinction between meeting a lot of people (which is not an issue for me) and turning those people into friends (which is).

 

I do have interests, but they don't really lend themselves to making deep connections. For instance, a big part of my life right now is philosophy and spirituality (exploring Buddhism and meditation, for instance), which is hard to turn into an activity

 

No it isn't. Look up "spiritual gatherings" on meetup.com, or "meditation/yoga classes" in the phone book and you'll see some opportunities. That's the sort of thing you need to be doing. If you go out to dinner/drinks when you're not really into it, but you're "wanting to make friends", people will smell the stink of death all over you.

 

Start going to spiritual gatherings or mediation classes and you'll have a much greater chance.

[Golfilla]

Oh, in terms of hobbies, I also volunteer regularly with different organizations. That's a normal hobby, right? But again, the same applies. How to transition an acquaintance who I see at a volunteer event into a friend?

 

Stop trying, and find some groups to volunteer for on a regular basis, so you're seeing the same people all the time. Then you'll have a chance.

[thehypemachine]

I think it's always a lot easier to ask for email addresses/Facebook names instead of numbers. It comes across a lot less full on. If I'm interested in being friends with someone or do indeed like the look fo them I always get into a decent convo, wait 'til I get a laugh and then when it comes to saying bye for whatever reason just say "Ahhh anyway, it's been nice talking to you, you got Facebook?" It always, always works, and I've made some really good pals from doing it too!

[Butterflying]

My lifestyle is very "social" and I meet tons of people from all walks of life. What I've noticed is that not very many people have real FRIENDS. Most relationships I witness are based on shallow, what can you do for me type attitudes.

 

For instance, there are some people I often have lunch with. If it were not for my career, financial status, or connections that I have; these people would never spend time with me. But, I keep the relationship with them because they are one of those connections that I need to stay ahead in my career.

 

My advice to you is not to put so much focus on making friends because anyone is lucky to have ONE friend in this lifetime. The word friend is often used too loosely. Mainly, we have associates, not friends.

 

The best way to approach a potential friend is the be honest about your intent. I wouldn't mind meeting someone who told me they would like to be "my friend." Preferably this admitance would come after we've established a common interest in something. Otherwise it would come across as weird.

 

When you're having a conversation with someone, try to find what their interest are. Share yours as well. If you think they are friendly, tell them that you'd like to maintain contact with them. Exchange email or phone numbers. At the end, let them know it was a pleasure meeting them, and be sincere about it. Follow up with contact at least within 7 days, perhaps with an invite to an event, project, or something you have in common.

 

Male/ Female relationships have to be clearly defined so make sure to keep FRIENDSHIP in perspective when spending time together. When I go out with a guy friend, we usually split all the tabs. Otherwise, if he opts to pay the tab, I let him and agree to pay the tab the next time we go out together. You should let a person know up front what your intentions are for the relationship with them. You don't have to be bold about it. But it will show by your actions if you're too pushy, desperate, or dishonest.