what would YOU do?

[Explorer]

Say you have friend of whom you've known your entire life and, more times that not, has been a good friend to you. But, you know that he has problems with how he treats women..more specfically, he abuses them. Both mentally and physically. He has tried to break from this mindset but nothing has worked yet.

 

Would you continue to be his friend?

[alphamale]

Would you continue to be his friend?

sure, his dating life is his own private affair

[TaraMaiden]

Oh really, Alphamale?

And if you got to know the GF, wouldn't you consider it a duty on your part to warn her, or mention to him that his behaviour is way out of line?

If this was happening to your sister with her guy, would it still be none of your business...?

 

What would I do?

I really would pull him to one side and tell him that "Trying isn't doing". He has to absolutely admit his problem, out in the open, in public and check himself in medically for anger management and abuse counselling.

Or the first sign of abuse I personally see, I go to the cops, denounce him, and convince the girl to file charges.

But I'd never abandon him.

No matter what his attitude, if I've known him that long, I'd be there for him, even if it meant dropping him in the crap from a great height.

Sometimes, friendship is a lot more convoluted than just being buddies.....

[Citizen Erased]

sure, his dating life is his own private affair

Did you not read the part where they are abusive?! Come on alpha.

 

I can't imagine why you would WANT to be their friend.

[Ronni_W]

Would you continue to be his friend?

Don't think I could be a true and genuine friend, no. Depending on the social circumstances, I might have to tolerate him...but certainly would keep the biggest distance possible. Same if it was a woman doing the abusing, btw.

[alphamale]

Oh really, Alphamale?

And if you got to know the GF, wouldn't you consider it a duty on your part to warn her, or mention to him that his behaviour is way out of line?

.....

i would tell him not to bring his women around and that i didn't want to meet them. that would solve that problem

[TaraMaiden]

Stop being ridiculous.

This isn't like you.

You can do better than this, AM.

 

At least, I hope you can.

For your sister's sake.....hypothetically speaking.....

[alphamale]

Stop being ridiculous.

This isn't like you.

You can do better than this, AM.

well if i've known him since childhood and hes been good to me then why should i care how he treats the women he dates? that is his own business

[Citizen Erased]

well if i've known him since childhood and hes been good to me then why should i care how he treats the women he dates? that is his own business

I'd agree if he was fooling around with people behind her back or just plain being a jerk but you don't draw the line at someone you know physically abusing someone?

 

People like you are the reason abusers get away with hurting others for so long. Here I was thinking you had changed since you came back to LS.

[alphamale]

I'd agree if he was fooling around with people behind her back or just plain being a jerk but you don't draw the line at someone you know physically abusing someone?

what am i going to do? turn him into the authorities? that is the job of the person being abused. i am not being abused.

 

what do i say to the cops? "oh yea...my close childhood friend X is physically abusing girl Y"?? the cops would be like "well why hasn't girl Y contacted us regarding this abuse"? then they would laugh at me

[Citizen Erased]

what am i going to do? turn him into the authorities? that is the job of the person being abused. i am not being abused.

 

what do i say to the cops? "oh yea...my close childhood friend X is physically abusing girl Y"?? the cops would be like "well why hasn't girl Y contacted us regarding this abuse"? then they would laugh at me

Did I say that you should tell the cops? No. Even if you did the person being abused would deny, as they do, and nothing would happen. But I am amazed you would retain a friendship with someone beating another human being.

[Crusoe]

About 15 years ago I discovered my oldest and closet friend was beating his wife. He spent that night in hospital. Wrong of me, yes, but where I come from thats how men who physically abuse women are dealt with.

 

He is still my oldest and closest friend and has never hit his wife since.

[Ronni_W]

You did a good thing, Crusoe! I appreciate you

[FreeNow]

what would YOU do?

 

Pretty much on the same page as Alpha... the friend's business and not mine.

[Explorer]

Let me add some more detail. Say his girlfriend calls you everytime an episode (Physically abusing) becomes a problem ..usually when heavy drinking is involved and she wants help. So it does interfere with your life. And, a firearm has been involved several times ...but never used. He's tried anger management classes and others to no avail. These anger outbreaks also seem to be progressively getting worse. Again, you've known him your entire life and he's been a good friend to you....

[TaraMaiden]

Then during one of these episodes when his GF calls, you tell her "I'll be right round" you call the cops, you report a domestic incident and you high-tail it to their place, remove her from the real and present danger, convince her to press charges and tell him it's for his own good.

 

You expose him for what he is, but if that grain of friendship is big enough, hopefully, it will survive. But if you deplore his actions, disagree with them, and are getting drawn into the disputes, something has to be done.

 

Before you visit him in jail for manslaughter.

 

How would that affect your friendship, huh?

 

Alphamale still hasn't answered my point about what he'd do if it was his sister going through abuse.

I suspect it's because it would expose him as a hypocrite.

Shame.

I used to think more of you.

[Explorer]

Then during one of these episodes when his GF calls, you tell her "I'll be right round" you call the cops, you report a domestic incident and you high-tail it to their place, remove her from the real and present danger, convince her to press charges and tell him it's for his own good.

 

You expose him for what he is, but if that grain of friendship is big enough, hopefully, it will survive. But if you deplore his actions, disagree with them, and are getting drawn into the disputes, something has to be done.

 

Before you visit him in jail for manslaughter.

 

How would that affect your friendship, huh?

 

Alphamale still hasn't answered my point about what he'd do if it was his sister going through abuse.

I suspect it's because it would expose him as a hypocrite.

Shame.

I used to think more of you.

 

The cops have been called in the past but she keeps going back to him.

[TaraMaiden]

Then you walk away from both of them.

Respect is lacking here, from every single angle. Between them, from them to you, and I would imagine from you to them.

No good can come of this, so I suggest you leave the little drama queens to their own soap, and stop participating.

Cut it off and walk away.

completely.

 

She calls you?

Put the phone down.

 

He calls you?

Put the phone down.

 

The more you feed into this, the more it keeps them going, and drains you.

[Explorer]

Then you walk away from both of them.

Respect is lacking here, from every single angle. Between them, from them to you, and I would imagine from you to them.

No good can come of this, so I suggest you leave the little drama queens to their own soap, and stop participating.

Cut it off and walk away.

completely.

 

She calls you?

Put the phone down.

 

He calls you?

Put the phone down.

 

The more you feed into this, the more it keeps them going, and drains you.

 

This is the decision that I've arrived at but wanted others input as well. He's been a good friend for all of my life so it's difficult to just "cut it off"

[TaraMaiden]

What makes you think that simply because something's been around for a long time, it's necessarily a good thing?

Things change, circumstances change, people change.

15 years ago, if you'd asked him if he would ever beat his GF up in a drunken rage, he would have been horrified.

But now, it's happening.

15 years ago, if you'd asked her if she would ever stay in a relationship where somebody was repeatedly abusing her, she would have been horrified.

But now it's happening.

15 years ago if someone had asked you if you could be friends with an habitual abuser who you knew was beating his GF up, and refused to stop, you would have been horrified.

But now.....

 

So change it.

simply because it's been around a long time, it doesn't make it a good thing.

Everything comes to a close, some time.

 

Everything.

 

EVERY.

THING.

Nothing, but nothing, is exempt.

 

Put this down, and move on.

[Explorer]

What makes you think that simply because something's been around for a long time, it's necessarily a good thing?

Things change, circumstances change, people change.

15 years ago, if you'd asked him if he would ever beat his GF up in a drunken rage, he would have been horrified.

But now, it's happening.

15 years ago, if you'd asked her if she would ever stay in a relationship where somebody was repeatedly abusing her, she would have been horrified.

But now it's happening.

15 years ago if someone had asked you if you could be friends with an habitual abuser who you knew was beating his GF up, and refused to stop, you would have been horrified.

But now.....

 

So change it.

simply because it's been around a long time, it doesn't make it a good thing.

Everything comes to a close, some time.

 

Everything.

 

EVERY.

THING.

Nothing, but nothing, is exempt.

 

Put this down, and move on.

 

Yes, I understand things change. However, one things has been a constant - he has been a good friend to ME.

 

Do I make my decision on how he treats me, how he treats the girl, his problem....

 

If I were in his shoes I'm thinking he would still be around.

[TaraMaiden]

There's nothing to say that you can't be around, but his call upon you should be based on a request for help, and recognition that his actions are unacceptable.

I think you have to make clear to him that you find his actions unacceptable (don't you?) and that he and his GF have enormous issues to deal with, but you can't condone or support him in his relationship with her, unless he sees that what he's doing is actually damaging and potentially dangerous.

Not to say fatal.

You've tried to be supportive, but there has been no indication - from either one of them - that the situation absolutely, positively must - and will - change for the better.

 

If a limb has gangrene, sometimes, amputation is the only option, and kindest thing.

And don't count on his support if the situation were reversed.

I bet you never thought once upon a time he could hit a woman, did you?

so if this unpalatable aspect of his temperament has shown up, you can't rely on any other aspect being certain or positive.

[nowomanocry]

Agree with Tara

 

But must admit in believing that **** would make more girls around him than me - good guys always bite tha dust and evils get it all lol. Have lived this myself a couple of weeks ago long story don't wanna bore ya'll to death. I'm bored of keeping talking about it makes me sick lol

 

Cheers to all