How do I deal with sarcastic, critical adult friend?

[CarmenSandiego]

I'm 25 years old (female) and I go to night school for teacher certification. I am pretty much the youngest person in all of my classes, but for the most part, I have clicked with a certain group of females.

 

I get along well with all of them, but there is one 31 year old female in the group who watches my every move, tries to constantly challenge me, and is constantly sarcastic when she speaks to me. Although she is dry and sarcastic with everyone, she likes to target me, and seems like she wants to prove something over me or dominate me.

 

For instance, today we had a meeting for the future teachers. My group saved a seat for me. When I sat down, she said "it's because we all enjoy your company," very, very sarcastically. At this point, another girl in the group said, "Jen, remember you are trying to be a nice person." She argued back with her and said she was being nice, but anyone at my age can tell another's true feelings from their inflections and whatnot. She was being sarcastic.

 

In addition, I have caught her laughing at me and criticizing me during group discussions in class (I am quite outspoken, but not in a mean way...just high participation), and she is the ONLY person in the class who tries to make a point of countering my thoughts and answers, in front of the class. She really seems to like to confront me, "one-up" me, analyze me, and try to perhaps prove that I'm not the good person I project myself as.

 

I want to keep hanging out with this group of girls, because I like the rest of them, but I don't want other people to know her real feelings toward me without me knowing them, and I don't want the other group members to pity me for being picked on, either. I want to stand up for myself and be respected as equal to all of them.

 

Why is she doing this, and how can I peacefully assert myself?

(having a heart to heart private discussion is uncalled for, as we are more classmates than anything--we have only "hung out" as a group one time outside of classes)

[D-Lish]

Just remember it's her issue- not yours. Spend more time focusing on the other girls, the ones that you like and seem supportive of you.

 

You can either ignore her, or kill her with kindness. If she challenges you and makes a good point, say it aloud "good point".

 

You could always confront her. I remember I worked with a girl that went out of her way to be rude to me- and I barely knew her. I took it for a while and just played passive, and it got worse. I finally stood up for myself and went after her for a snide comment one day- I really asserted myself and she was so surprised. After that, she tried to bond with me, I got a facebook request soon after, and an invite for drinks after work not long after that. There is something about confronting a bully that is liberating, and it often disarms them.

 

Regardless, don't let her get to you, and never show her it bothers you.

I suspect she is jealous of you for whatever reason...She obviously sees something in you that threatens her.

[freestyle]

Your probably best off keeping to the higher ground and not allowing yourself to be baited. Even though it's reaaalllly tempting to fight back.

 

Youtube has some great clips on dealing with difficult people, I'd recommend checking them out.

[D-Lish]

Your probably best off keeping to the higher ground and not allowing yourself to be baited. Even though it's reaaalllly tempting to fight back.

 

Youtube has some great clips on dealing with difficult people, I'd recommend checking them out.

 

I agree for the most part- I think it depends on the motivation of the difficult person. You have to discern if asserting yourself will disarm them, or spur them on.

 

Bullies are universally insecure- and sometimes it's best to show them you won't be intimidated, and sometimes it's best not to stir the pot.

 

In my situation, I had nothing to lose by telling her to "f" off because I knew I had the support of my other co-workers- and she had no say in my continued employment with the company. She backed right down immediately, and following that she followed me around at work like a puppy and tried to win back my affection.

 

Sometimes if it's your self respect on the line, you have to take a stand.

[Taramere]

In addition, I have caught her laughing at me and criticizing me during group discussions in class (I am quite outspoken, but not in a mean way...just high participation), and she is the ONLY person in the class who tries to make a point of countering my thoughts and answers, in front of the class. She really seems to like to confront me, "one-up" me, analyze me, and try to perhaps prove that I'm not the good person I project myself as.

 

I want to keep hanging out with this group of girls, because I like the rest of them, but I don't want other people to know her real feelings toward me without me knowing them, and I don't want the other group members to pity me for being picked on, either. I want to stand up for myself and be respected as equal to all of them.

 

Why is she doing this, and how can I peacefully assert myself?

(having a heart to heart private discussion is uncalled for, as we are more classmates than anything--we have only "hung out" as a group one time outside of classes)

 

 

There was a girl like this on my first degree. She was very competitive, which is fine...but rather than own her own competitiveness she spent her time denigrating everyone else for theirs. I did better than her academically, and she would chastise me for not spending more time helping others improve their performance. Which really pissed me off, given that one of my friends was a foreign student and I pretty much wrote all her essays in the first year (vested interest of course - as I wanted my friend to stay on the course).

 

I generally tried to be patient and understanding, but it didn't really matter what response you adopted with her...she'd always see you as being in the wrong. Her attitude towards me was that I was over-privileged, sheltered, wouldn't be capable of relating to the client group we were studying to work with and so on.

 

She'd had a difficult childhood, and was very much caught up in being a victim. I was more tolerant of her than 95% of the class were, so I suppose she regarded me as someone she could lash out at without consequences. Eventually I told her that although she was entitled to her views about my upbringing, suitability for the vocation we were training up in etc, they weren't of any interest to me and I'd appreciate it if she could change the record once in a while.

 

She flipped. Now I was, of course, being a condescending and arrogant bitch etc etc. I decided I was okay with her having that view of me, if it meant she'd take her issues off somewhere else and give me a break.

 

People like that will demonise whatever reaction you gve them. I honestly think that curt and disinterested is your best play. Let her criticise you for it all she wants. All that means is that she's antagonised by your refusal to get drawn into whatever drama she's trying to play out.

[freestyle]

I agree for the most part- I think it depends on the motivation of the difficult person. You have to discern if asserting yourself will disarm them, or spur them on.

 

Bullies are universally insecure- and sometimes it's best to show them you won't be intimidated, and sometimes it's best not to stir the pot.

 

In my situation, I had nothing to lose by telling her to "f" off because I knew I had the support of my other co-workers- and she had no say in my continued employment with the company. She backed right down immediately, and following that she followed me around at work like a puppy and tried to win back my affection.

 

Sometimes if it's your self respect on the line, you have to take a stand.

 

Agreed, agreed. It helps if you can discern what their agenda is, and it helps if you know a little of their history.

 

In my recent bully experience, I stood up for myself after the first incident, and it only worked to my detriment. But in my case the person is

truly toxic, and very much........'miswired'.

 

Looking back, i probably shoulda,coulda, handled things differently, but I didn't have my guard up. I wasn't expecting an attack, and after 30-some years of being out of junior high, I'd forgotten that some people can be that nasty. It was one of those situations where the insults are veiled and come at you sideways, and you don't realize what happened until after the fact........You're left shaking your head,...'wow, what was that really about...........?"

 

I'm glad your situation worked out well, D-lish, you were fortunate that you had the backing of others. I was the new kid on the block in my sitch, meeting one of my bf's friends for the first time, on her turf.She got ugly with me as soon as my bf was out of earshot, but played nice when he was around.(grrrr....) I kinda felt like my hands were tied, because it was a public event, and my gut knew she was trying to bait me, so I didn't fall for it.

 

OP, here's a site i just found today that might be helpful, regarding defusing verbally abusive situations without escalation:

 

 

http://adrr.com/aa/ hope it's helpful to you.

[Meaplus3]

Just remember it's her issue- not yours. Spend more time focusing on the other girls, the ones that you like and seem supportive of you.

 

 

I believe D said it all right there. I'll add.. don't waste any more of your time on a person like this. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

[Lizzie60]

I agree with the poster who said that bullies have insecurity issues...

 

She feels threatened by your intelligence and your popularity... it burns her to the core.. my advice .. ignore her.. she's not worth your energy...

 

Concentrate on your studies and the other girls... if she's mean with you... just smile back at her.. and don't respond.. she's trying to get a reaction... pathetic...

 

We all know people like that...

[blueyedgrl85]

As other posters have pointed out, this girl is definitely jealous!! She sees you as a "threat" since you are intelligent, outspoken, and younger than her. The attitude that this girl displays is a reflection of her character, not yours. Other girls in the group know this about the girl since the one girl said, "Jen, remember you are trying to be a nice person." So just try to brush it off and do your own thing. Stay focused on your classes and don't let one sour apple spoil your experience. You're all there to learn and to get your certificate, so you're all in it together. There is no need for her childish behavior. Good luck with your studies!

[Dolos]

I tend to make a lot of mocking/sarcastic jokes with people, so maybe i can offer a different perspective. Do you tend to say things that leave you open to a joke, or does she go after you for little to no reason? Ive had people think i didnt like them in the past because most of my jokes were directed at them, but it was really just because they happened to speak without thinking, so they set themselves up for it a lot. Most of the time these were people i didn't know well, as my friends know i dont mean anything by it. I know in my case im not trying to hurt anybody, its just the way i am. If anything i would like them to respond with something equally as mocking/sarcastic, since i think banter of that sort is amusing.

 

As far as the class discussions go, are you one of the only people who often speaks up in the class? A couple semesters ago i was taking a class with a teacher who absolutely loved class discussion, so a large part of our grade was participation. There was only one other person in the class who would actually take a stance of most of the issues, so i almost always took the opposing stance to her, whether i believed in it or not. It wasn't personal, i just happen to like arguing and i wanted an A in the class.

 

Of course its just as likely shes an insecure bitch who is jealous that her friends like you. In fact its probably more likely. The only reason this prompted a response from me is almost word for word the chair situation happened to me, and i know i wasn't trying to hurt the person who was new to the group. They are actually one of my closer friends today.