first/last "toxic friend" encounter

[freshcutgrass]

First of all, this one crosses several boundaries, so I'm not sure if it should be in this category, or "FWB"...or "breaking up".

 

Secondly, I walked into this one eyes wide open, stupidly thinking I could never be a victim of this kind of person.

 

Short background...I'm a single male in my 40's...she's single and in her mid 30's...so neither of us are kids.

 

As an easy side-job, I'm the super of my small 27-unit building. We met about a year ago when she came to view a unit, and it was obvious we "clicked" right away. She ended up taking the unit and moved in. She started getting "chummy" with me right away, and I didn't really have a problem with this. I thought I was at a certain point in my life where romance wasn't of particular importance at the moment, and wasn't looking or dating or anything. But she sparked something in me that made me think perhaps it's time to think about it.

 

After talking to her a couple more times though, I was disappointed that she wasn't quite the type of person I thought from the first impression...for lack of a better word...a bit "trailer trashy" & immature (sorry, perhaps "unrefined" would be a nicer way to put it). Not really the type I see myself with, so no attraction there. But hey...whatever...she seemed like a nice, friendly person...how can that be bad to have around the building?

 

Until I met her, I had never "texted" in my life (I find it a rather foul habit of talking without anything important to say, and where proper grammar, spelling or punctuation are meaningless). Needless to say, she's big on the texting (and facebook, etc...all those habits I thought were mostly something kids did...not grown-ups). But her explanation was that talk time cost her money, and texting was free...and she is quite poor, so preferred to text where possible to save money. Ok...a reasonable excuse...so I guess I'm now "texting" (proper spelling and grammar of course ha ha).

 

(please note the "I'm really poor" part...something she let me know right from the start...and often)

 

Anyway, about a month in I start noticing some red flags. I'm still up watching tv one night around 3:00 AM, and I hear a big commotion in the hall. Being the nosy guy I am, I go to my door and look through the peephole. Low and behold it's her coming out of the guys apartment down the hall. she's so drunk she can't stand. He's I guess taking her back to her own apartment, and has decided to put her over his shoulder to carry her. On the first attempt, they both go down. I try not to laugh hard enough for them to hear me. He finally gets her on his shoulders and proceeds down the stairwell (it's a walk-up). Now I'm actually a little worried, as if they go down in the stairwell, somebody is going to break their neck. I listen for a crash...nothing. Ok...sigh...crazy girl. And i go to bed.

 

Then I start noticing when I'm going past her apartment early Sunday mornings, that there's almost always still a loud party happening (you can hear the drunk voices over the blasting music). Ok...she's a party girl...whatever. Although i thought this kind of hard-core booze & drug party till daylight thing was something people usually gave up once your past the college age.

 

After about 4 months of friendly chatting with her, where she's usually down and me cheering her up with nice little gestures, I get a text at 3:00 AM saying she "needs a friend...please call". I don't know I have a text...cause I'm sleeping. Apparently she then was knocking on my door (which I also didn't hear), and then the phone starts ringing, which wakes me up. "Please come down...I'm really messed up and need you".

 

Ok...so what am I going to do? She's distraught, so I go down. She starts in about her ex who's she's been off and on with and how messed up they are (he keeps dumping her). Then she starts telling me her whole life story of mental, physical and sexual abuse from many people in her life (I won't go into it, but they are real horror stories). I do my best to listen and console. Then she tells me how I'm one of her closest friends and that's why she's telling me this. This kinda makes me feel strange, as we are really just nothing more than casual friends AFAIC.

 

I try to be nice, but my gut tells me this chick is Trouble with a capital T...don't get too involved. I don't worry, cause I'm too smart to get burned (right).

 

So this sort of thing keeps going on for a few months to the point where one day I woke up finding that I care a great deal about this person, and do what i can to make them happier. We watch movies together, go for walks, I invite her for brunch or dinner, help her re-arrange her apartment, talk with her about all her problems in her life...lot's of the little nice things in life that at least to me...are often more important than the big gestures.

 

At this point, I'm in full denial, enjoying the company and being a good friend. I don't worry too much when she agrees to do things, then blows me off at the last moment.

 

This is when the anti starts going up.

 

Next drunken 4:00am phone call is she's out of cigs, so come on down and bring some. Like a jackass, I go. I get there and she is really drunk. There's also a guy without any clothes on sleeping in her bed (it's a bachelor apt). Turns out this is a 20 year-old "friend" from work (I later learn she's in a bit of an awkward situation at work because she's been in too many inappropriate situations with too many guys where she works). She's busy sitting on the floor singing to the music playing (she's a very happy drunk if you don't push the wrong buttons). Then she starts coming on to me...holding my hand, biting my leg, hugging me, lap-dancing. I chalk this up to drunken nonsense and don't take it seriously and don't reciprocate. Then she goes to the bathroom, where I hear a crash and I go to the door to ask if she's ok. Turns out she's fallen through the shower curtain into the bathtub. I'm very worried that she has injured herself, but she comes out of the bathroom and seems to be fine (well, as fine as someone so drunk can be).

 

At this point she's reached passing out mode, so she's laying on the floor, so I put a pillow under her head...a blanket on her...turn off the music and the lights and let myself out (I locked the door behind me with my master key). Now I'm a pretty liberal guy, but the combination of seeing her so drunk, the naked guy in her bed and fearing that she has injured herself, and her coming on to me is starting to make me feel several types of strange. Days go by and it just gets worse, and it's a funk I can't shake.

 

A week or so later she calls me on a Saturday night asking if I want to hang out. She lets me know she had many other options??? (as if I should be grateful). Hanging out means I take her down to the local bar and buy her drinks all night. I comply and after last call we head back to her apartment, where more beer is consumed. This time, I'm drunk too. Tons of great drunk talk ensues, where I'm showered with grand gestures of how important I am to her, blah blah...and then she starts showing me her condom/lube collection and telling me how wet she gets and other highly personal info...blah blah. Then she starts in with more horrifying stories of her past that is so disturbing to hear, I actually start crying. She stops and we have one of our big hugs (she's always wanting hugs from me).

 

Well, the hug turns into kissing. Not wild, passionate kissing, but the slow caring kind. I'm not too weirded out by this...we are both drunk, had highly emotional talking, feeling close, and probably some mutual curiosity lurking anyway. Nothing fatal. Then she sits up and acts very surprised..."hey...we're making out!!!" Then she starts having this debate with herself about "what should I do with you?". She said she was hoping I would have been terrible so it wouldn't be an issue...but I'm not. She asking herself is she should f*** me...cause she's really horny. All the while I just laying there as if I were waiting for a judge dole out my fate. Personally, I have no idea how I should handle whatever does or does not happen. So we go back to holding and kissing, and I let her call the shots. She starts taking my hands and putting them where she wants them...including down her pants. Soon she whips off the jeans and panties and is demanding a lot of attention down there. I figure we are past the point of no return, so after a while of using my hand, I figure I better get down there and do it right. I do, and she certainly seems to be enjoying it.

 

All of a sudden she yells out..."where are your pants?" To which I reply..."I'm wearing them". (I remain fully clothed at this point). Then she sorta freaks out, asks me to stop as if something is now all of a sudden very wrong, or she thinks I'm going to do something wrong. She's also speaking in a strange voice I haven't heard before. I say to myself...hey...my clothes are on...they are staying on...don't panic. I don't know what to make of it, and my mind wanders back to our earlier conversations about all these horrible guys, and the horrible things they have done to her...and it dawns on me that maybe she is thinking of me as one of these guys, which just cuts through my heart that she could think of me that way. I can't think of any other logical reason why someone would panic all of a sudden at that particular point.

 

After a minute she sits up and says..."I don't believe you just went down on me!!" I don't say anything, cause I'm too stunned. Some conversation ensues...I don't even remember what. Then she says wanna go to sleep...I say sure (What I really preferred is to die). I lay there in my clothes unable to sleep. I'm wondering if it were at all possible to feel any ****tier than i do. My hangover starts to kick in...and yes...it is possible to feel worse. We woke up about 5:00 pm the next day (we didn't go to sleep til about 8:00 am) and I found it strange she was still bare-ass naked making her dogs breakfast in the kitchen...and talking on the phone to the guy she was going on a date with in a couple of hours.

 

She asked if I wanted to go with her to take the dog for a walk...I said not really and went up to my apartment. I'm now feeling a bit surreal, as our friendship has obviously crossed some line and have no idea how to deal with it. If it were just a case of us having had sex, it would be one thing, but her strange reaction to "sort of" having sex left me dumb-founded. I joked with myself that it was almost the most fun I ever had without taking my clothes off (except for the fact it wasnt fun). Strangely enough, I didn't manage to find this funny.

 

I run into her later that night after her date, and she invites me in to watch some tv, and pretends like what happened earlier never existed. She basically tells me how her date went (like all of them...not very good). She later says how she needs to go to bed so she will see me later.

 

The next night (Monday) I phone her to ask if she wants come over for dinner. She says she's going out for drinks with a "friend" from work, but says she would prefer to have dinner with me. She didn't mean she was going to cancel drinks with the friend, but instead thinks she will do both, and asks me what time I planned to eat, and I should call her in case she "might" join me (although she plans to have several drinks and this would make it at least 10 or 11PM). I find this a bit absurd, as that's way too late, and I know her...she binge drinks...she will close the bar, and then continue drinking at her place, dragging whatever guy she is with back as well. I don't call of course, and wonder how anyone could go drinking the night after our bender. I'm not sure what she did Tues night, but whatever it was, was still going strong when I passed by her apartment Wed morning around 8:00am. I thought to myself...how could anybody hard-core party for three days in a row like that?

 

Not hearing from her, I phoned her Friday afternoon and mentioned I was feeling a bit ****ty, and it was starting to fester and really needed to talk to her. She seemed a bit alarmed by that but mentioned she would be back that evening and would give me a call. She didn't call of course, and Saturday she phoned to let me know she was "just on her way out" but remembered she was going to call me the night before but didn't. She couldn't really talk that night either, but was wondering if it were "important". I could sense she was really trying to get out of it, so I told her it was nothing...don't worry. She sounds all relieved and I don't hear from her for a week.

 

Then she phones me on Sat to tell me she has a problem with this drug-dealer she knows who wants her to drive him around to do his business. I get pissed and tell her I don't want to know about this stuff, so please don't call and tell me about it, cause it makes me worry. Later she phones me and asks to borrow the vacum cleaner (this is a regular request). I go get it, knock on her door, tell her to leave it in the hallway when she's done and I'll pick it up later...turned and left. I wish I could have not seen the "help me" look on her face when i did it. After a few minutes I went back and knocked on the door out of guilt. I said...why don't I have a tea while you vacum. She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't want to do this for the drug dealer, but she doesn't trust herself, because he will pay her well for doing it, and he already owes her money for an ipod she gave him but hadn't paid her for yet.

 

I told her to make whatever excuse she needed to not give the guy a ride, and just forget the ipod. She texts something to the guy, but is worried he won't like it. She also mentions he will probably end up showing up at her apartment later anyway. I said look...do you want to stay at my place tonight? She said yes. But she also said she wanted to go to the bar to have drinks first. I stupidly complied and we ended up closing the bar, but i did manage to tell her a few things I wanted to in regards to me feeling badly about some of the things she did, which she basically poo-pooed as not what she meant to do at all. We then went back to my place, where she continued drinking my beer. The only smart thing I did was not get very drunk this time. She seemed to be having a great time, as if it were some kind of fun slumber party...she also came on to me again, and even asked "hey...am I getting laid tonight?". I totally ignored that, as I was still reeling from the previous "sorta" sexcipade two weeks earlier. About 6:00 am she just passed out in the bed and that was that. I got up about 9ish and let her sleep to 2:30. We spent the rest of Sunday doing nice things to cheer her up.

 

But by this point I was feeling pretty fed up and told her I wasn't going to be her drinking buddy any more. She didn't seem to like this very much.

 

The next day I came to the realization that our friendship completely revolved around the concept of what I could do for her, and all I ever received from her were grand empty gestures of "I love you...you are important in my life, and any time you need me, I'm here for you". Now, I never asked her for much, but the couple of times I did, she always let me down. She knew exactly how to bait me to provide things for her.

 

I also realized her self-destructive behavior was something I could no longer bare to know about and wished I didn't...as a person who cared about her. The scary part was what I knew was probably just the tip of the iceberg.

 

I realized she used everybody...her mother paid the rent...the nice people around the block (who she didn't actually like) looked after her sick dog all the time so she wouldn't have to look after it so she could all-night party somewhere else. She serial dated anything and everything including her ex to keep a steady stream of sources for booze, drugs, food, money, companionship, sex, etc, etc. She's attractive, and a master of flirting, so constant guys were guaranteed, and several different guys a week spending the night was not uncommon.

 

I realized she had so many abusive boyfriends, because the only people who would stick with her after getting to know her were only people who wanted to use her.

 

I also realized I was now a total basket case who had no idea a friend could cause such mental pain. I was driving my friends and mother nuts talking about it (thank god they put up with me). I could not sleep at all...I lost more than 10 lbs in about a week, and went to a shrink out of desperation.

 

Now, since I knew I would run into this person around the building, total cut-off was not possible, but I knew our friendship had to end for the most part. I decided not to contact her. She called me a couple of nights later and asked if I wanted to come down for a drink. I said I wasn't interested in having any booze. She replied..."well **** you then". It was jokenly, but I could tell she was taken back by my not just accepting, as I always had. She said she was going for a walk to the store, and i said I would join her for the walk, as I also needed to go to the store, and I figured I was going to do this gently. We went to the store and when we got back, she asked if i wanted a tea. I said sure. Then she started saying her cold sore was coming, and really needed to get some medication, and how it was just so expensive. She asked if I wanted to come with her to the drug store. Stupidly I said yes. We get to the drug store and I said I would wait in the car. She comes back with the medication and again mentions how it was $23 (big sigh). This was the second time she baited me to offer to pay for it, which I normally do, but this time I didn't.

 

When we get back to her place, she asks if I want to watch a movie, and I reluctantly agree. Normally we lie on her bed to watch movies, but this time I sit in the chair...she asks me if I'm ok in the chair...I say yes (even though it's an uncomfortable little wicker thing) The movie starts and she takes yet another phone call from a guy, and is setting up a future date. I find this rather rude (although this has always been normal behavior for her) When she gets off the phone I tell her I really am tired and we will have to watch it another time. I basically get up and leave, while noticing a bewildered look on her face.

 

The next night I feel guilty of course and phone her to say sorry for bailing on you like that, but couldn't see myself sitting there until midnight to finish the movie, and to be honest, I didn't think she seemed too interested in the movie either. She asked why, and I mentioned she seemed more interested in talking to guys on the phone...she poo-pooed it as..."just 5 minutes". I left it at that, figuring I got my point across.

 

We didn't talk for a week. She then phoned me late on a Friday night and I didn't answer. She left a message in a hurt voice about her day. i didn't call her back until Sunday night, when she happened to be at dinner with "someone". The only thing she really had to say to me after a week of not speaking, was that she was pissed that I hadn't knocked on her door to offer the vacum when I was doing the hallway carpets earlier that day (something i never do...she always asks for it when she wants it). We sort of just ended the conversation with "I'll talk to ya later".

 

This made me mad, as I thought it was absurd of her to make me feel obligated that now every time I'm doing my duty cleaning the carpets in the building, that I also have to check to see if she wants it. Not that this would be very useful, as Sunday afternoon she's most likely still sleeping from the all-nighter she pulled Saturday.

 

Haven't talked to her in a few days now, but I get the distinct feeling she is pissed at me, and ironically, trying to avoid me. This suits me fine, as the longer I don't have to avoid her calls, the better. Being angry is about the only emotion I have been going through that actually makes me feel better. I'm aprehensive about how this will play out in the short term, but I don't care as long as the long term means I'm rid of this person as a source of pain and misery.

 

The only positive thing to come from this, is that hopefully I learned something.

 

I wrote this out really for my own benefit, but if you actually managed to read it all...you're quite the trooper!!!

 

And hard as it is to imagine, this is the extreme short version of the story!

 

 

Wishing you all a happy Holiday & New Year.

[freestyle]

Wow. Hopefully this has been a good learning experience for you.

 

It's a sad story in many ways, but IME, there's nothing you can do for a person in an advanced stage of alchoholism like that.

 

They have to hit rock bottom, before they learn anything.And if you're

anywhere near her, she'll drag you down, too. She's looking for enablers.

 

If you're in your 40's already, and have never encountered a person like this, you've been fortunate. It's a sad and terrible thing to observe, but there's nothing you can do.......People who party to that extent have to decide for themselves when it's time to make changes.

 

That usually doesn't happen until they've alienated all the decent people in their lives.....................................

 

 

 

Sorry to be blunt, but I'd strongly recommend that you get yourself tested for STD's after your encounter with her, the sooner, the better. Based on what you posted, it sounds like she's rather promiscuous, and any exchange of bodily fluids puts you at risk..............as well as any future dates you might have. Oral sex without some form of protection can be very risky..............................

 

Good luck. Hopefully maintaining a healthy distance from this woman will help you to clear your head.

 

Happy holidays to you as well.

[Not the love ace]

Wow! Its crazy, I've dealt with a few girls like that before. The best thing to do is cut them out completely. I remember I used to hang out with them out of being lonely but in the end its really better to be with no company than bad company. Oh yeah, please get tested.

[freshcutgrass]

I'd strongly recommend that you get yourself tested for STD's after your encounter with her

 

Oh yeah, please get tested

 

 

I know you guys are just being pragmatic, but between the fact that she had tested fine a couple of weeks before the event, and a few minutes of low risk contact, this isn't what is causing me alarm. Cooties I can deal with...it's the emotional melt-down that is affecting my mental and physical health.

[CeeL]

@freshcutgrash -- you have the outline of a heck of a short story there!

 

There's something basically attractive about "being needed", and I really credit you for seeing, before you got in too far, that in this case it's "being used." She probably doesn't see it that way at all, but that's irrelevant -- she's a narcissist, among her other qualities.

 

As long as you're conveniently upstairs, she's not done with you, despite the current quiet. It might be worth a little rumination on your part, remembering the various ways she's reeled you in before, so that you'll have a graceful response ready and won't be taken by surprise next time she pulls one of her schemes out of her bag of tricks.

 

OTOH you seem to have found out something about yourself that you didn't know before: you are ready for a close relationship at this point in your life. Maybe it's time to explore that a little more energetically -- with more compatible ladies!

[TheLoneSock]

I feel like I just read a horror novel.

[pureveritas]

Ever heard the term "spiritual vampire" ?

Wow..kudos to you for sticking with it for as long as you did.

I sense you wanted to help her.

That's her job -- and one she apparently isn't ready to take on just yet.

 

It's her journey. Distance from it is probably best for your own well being.

sorry.

[freshcutgrass]

As long as you're conveniently upstairs, she's not done with you, despite the current quiet. It might be worth a little rumination on your part, remembering the various ways she's reeled you in before, so that you'll have a graceful response ready and won't be taken by surprise next time she pulls one of her schemes out of her bag of tricks.

 

Lucky guess...or you know your subject matter.

 

Found under my door last night when I got home...an Xmas card from her. (no big deal, as I mailed her one a couple weeks ago, along with all my other friends & family). Except this one contained one of her famous empty grand gestures...

 

"I am so blessed to have you in my life. You are a wonderful man and I feel very lucky to know you. I wish for you a very happy Christmas & I hope the new year brings many wonderful times your way. P.S. your present will be here on Monday"

 

I also received a text from her this eve...the usual hope you & your family are having a nice Xmas...texted her back with the same.

 

Now, I of course did not buy her a present, but she had blurted out something to the tune of "I know what I'm getting you for Xmas" out of the blue during a conversation (she was drunk) a couple of weeks ago. I took this as just another bait to get me into the idea that I of course needed to buy her a gift.

 

So, it looks like I'm in for some awkward conversation.