Have we just drifted apart?

[blueyedgrl85]

Sorry this is so long! This is my first post, after "lurking" on here and reading other questions & advice.

 

I have known my friend, "Jane," for 10 years now. (We're both 25 years old.) I moved away last year, about 30 min. away from Jane. At first nothing really changed, but then I was attending grad school and also had a job. Jane didn't get accepted into grad school. She had a part-time job and became closer friends with her co-workers. Last August my Dad passed away after being sick for months. Jane came over the day after he died and brought over flowers and a cake. Then 2 weeks later, she got asked out by a guy she liked at her work. I was happy for her, but was still grieving for my dad. I guess you could say I was a little envious of her- I was grieving over my loss and she was happy about this guy asking her out.

I became busier with school and she would call me to complain about some of her co-workers making fun of her or talking about her. I misunderstood this as her wanting advice, instead of just a "sound board," so I told her to not listen to them and for her to ignore what they were saying. She would still hang out with them despite this and chalk it up to me being "jealous." She would rub in my face how they were her best friends and how she had so much fun with them. She would ditch me for them or be busy when if we had plans. When I would say I had a bad day at school, she would tell me how she had a "worse day" and proceed to complain about her day. When we got together, she would complain how "boring" we were. She would make fun of my hair or something about me. When I stood up for myself, she would get very quiet and upset.

Jane was also giving this attitude to a mutual friend of ours and we tried to sit down and talk to her about it. Jane would get very defensive and upset with us, accusing us of attacking her, even though we were just calmly talking and not pointing blame at anyone. She would continue to be clingy, tell me she missed me since I moved, call me every single day for advice (sometimes more than once.) like if I wasn't home to answer her calls, she would get angry with me accusing me of ignoring her. Other times she would brag about her new friends and how "popular" she was with guys, etc.

Early this year, her dog passed away and she wrote me saying how upset she was, and how sorry she was for not being there for me when my Dad passed away. She apologized for being a "crappy friend" and how she should have visited me more, but I don't know if she actually meant any of it or was just grieving.

I was busy with school and couldn't call/hang out with Jane as much due to school and being busy with homework as well as my job. Jane grew very angry with me. I would send her e-mails, cards, and letters. But she still thought I was blowing her off. I apologized to her, but it didn't seem to matter. We didn't talk for about a month, then I wrote her an e-mail apologizing for not being able to talk as much. We eventually got together, but she very passive-aggressive, making snippy comments about how we didn't talk, etc.

I started dating a guy and when I told her, she switched the topic back to herself and talked about the guy she liked at work and how she was also talking to another guy.

 

 

Present day:

 

We occasionally e-mail, but haven't really talked on the phone. Her e-mails always focus on herself, she never asks about me or my life. Her attitude has changed and I guess we have just drifted apart. But I still feel guilty. I only have a few close friends, but these girls are all like sisters to me. I feel bad about this, but I don't know how to handle the situation. Should I stop attempting to be her friend? Or be friendly with her but not count her as a close friend anymore? I don't know what to do- any advice would be greatly appreciated. Again, sorry for the length but I wanted to give the full history of the issue.

[thelostsoul89]

If I were you I would end this "friendship" All she seems to care about is herself. You've tried to tell her how you feel but she doesnt want to listen. I'd say write her an e-mail explaining why your ending the friendship and be done with her.

[Peaceful Guy]

i think that if there is anything left to forgive her for, forgive her. after that, i think you should apologize for anything that might still be on your coincidence, and then let it go.

 

as far as you two hanging out again, i don't know. its hard to tell. you might find that forgiving and being forgiven is enough closure that you can move on.. or you might decide that now that the past is the past you cant wait to spend time together again.. which is cool.

 

also, i can tell that the two of you were close.. especially the i had a worse day thing.. at the time, im sure that was very annoying.. but it does sound like she empathized with you.. and sometimes the closer people are the more they have to deal with each other's inner thoughts and ideas, as irrational or uncool as they may be.

 

if you feel like you could safely be friends with this person, and by that i mean she wont hurt you physically (of course) or bum you out (less obvious), i think you should. but really, follow your heart.. and def. do the forgiveness thing even if you choose not to apologize.