I drew boundaries, and now I feel very guilty....

[mustangsally]

I grew up completely unable to draw boundaries. Until about 2 years ago, I was everyone's doormat. I let people do anything to me and never said anything. I was constantly a people pleaser. Then I sort of grew out of it. Though I'm terrified of conflict by the way I've grown up, I still try and set boundaries.

 

Long story short (although this won't be short), I'm teaching English in a foreign country with a group of other Americans. I've made okay friends with them, although more than a few times I've altered my plans for them and they didn't follow through (such as me planning my entire break around them and then them bailing, even though I could have made plans to see a friend from home). In recent weeks, this group has been drama-rama and I've been in the middle of every petty fight. It was totally exhausting. It was hard to even keep track of all the crap said behind each other's backs and me and this other girl seemed to be the only one everyone actually liked.

 

As a group, we made plans to go to visit another country. I was supposed to stay in the hostel, but one of the girls came to me and expressed that she had social anxiety and would prefer to stay alone with me in a hotel. I said money was tight, but I would do it for her because I wanted her to come along. We booked the hotel through hotwire.com, which doesn't tell you the name of the hotel OR a phone number OR location until you arrive, only that it's in the downtown area and its amenities. Confident we had booked a hotel in a convenient location, we proceeded.

 

The girl spent the night with me the night before we left and got into a confrontation with someone else. She felt so badly that she cried about it all night and I started to feel a bit manipulated by her in that she started to tell me she didn't want to hang out with the group at all and I was her only friend, etc.

 

I called my mom in tears not wanting to be in the middle of something else and told her I didn't even want to go on this trip. I had work to do, things to accomplish. She encouraged me to go and I thought, well I'll at least try to have fun.

 

On the way to the train station, the girl bailed and told us she wasn't going to go. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, she'd already paid me for the hotel. When I met the group, without any of us knowing the location, several people agreed they would stay with me in the hotel, one of them even saying "Yes, definitely I'll stay with you!".

 

I got to the hotel and realized it was NOT downtown (apparently this a problem with hotwire.com in Europe and I was not aware) and I had to walk through a highway underpass and through a deserted mall to get there. To top it off, my phone stopped working and I couldn't make outgoing calls (but I could receive them).

 

Using the payphone in the lobby, I told the group I would really prefer if someone spent the night with me because of the situation. I suggested after we go out, one or two people come back with me and they could stay in the hotel for free and we'd meet the group in the morning. The group decided they would rather not do that because they wanted to "stay together" and they'd rather get drunk nearer to their hostel and just crash there. I explained several times that my phone didn't work and I didn't feel safe. The phone kept cutting out and I had to keep depositing money into it (I spent about ten euro on these dumb calls). At one point I asked if they could try calling me and I got "No, calling is expensive." (!!!). They told me the only alternative they would work with is if I rode a cab by myself and fronted the money (an extra $40 or so when you convert it into American money) or I coughed up extra money to sleep with them. After the "phone calls are too expensive" comment, I saw no point in paying extra money to stay with them if they couldn't cough up like 1 euro between seven people to make a lousy phone call....especially after I had paid double their hostel already to accommodate another person in the group.

 

I told them I wanted to go home (as I said, I hadn't wanted to come in the first place) and made an attempt. I missed the last train by two minutes. I explained what happened and I asked if they would perhaps call me in the morning and we'd try to sight see together since I didn't want to spend any more money on the phone.

 

Next morning rolled around and I got no phone call. I wandered around by myself and hopped a train back by myself. I was absolutely livid by this time. I felt like I had been absolutely abandoned in a foreign country.

 

When I got back, everyone was posting about how "great their trip was". Angrily, and perhaps childishly, I unfriended them on facebook. At that point, I was so angry, I had no desire to be friends with them any longer.

 

One of the boys contacted me and told me how immature I was being and begged to remain friends (the same one that said "yes definitely"). I told him I felt unsafe and I felt like they had abandoned me and were expecting me to cough up all this extra money. He e-mailed me back, told me my feelings were bullsh*t, that I was an immature spoiled brat, that I thought the world revolved around me, that I need to get over myself, that I'm cheap and have an irrational fear of being attacked. At that point, I blocked him as I had never called him a name.

 

Angrily, I posted on another message board and it got out of hand....31 pages in, most people telling me how selfish and unreasonable and playing the victim I am, and about 2-3 people saying (and private messaging me) telling me it was a really sh*tty thing for these people to do. I felt so guilty after this...I stayed up for like 3 days straight wondering if I was really selfish and if I had drawn boundaries incorrectly.

 

I then got an e-mail from one of the girls telling me that they felt like I was making them stay with them by saying I wanted to go home (that wasn't my intent, I just didn't want to deal with the drama any longer and had other things to do) and that the girl I happened to be on the phone with at the time decided I had attacked her and blamed it on her (I don't know why she thought that, I never said anything was her fault or placed any blame on her....but other people have had similar problems with this girl getting angry for perceiving blame when that was not the intent). They were also offended that I hadn't paid more money to call them the next morning when they decided not to call. I talked to her about it because I appreciated her coming at it maturely and rationally and I started to feel really guilty, but still didn't have an interest in salvaging the friendship.

 

But in the end, the more I think about it, the more I think I could have handled it better (and they could have too) but the more I don't think I was unreasonable in asking for someone to come stay with me after the festivities were over....like they promised in the first place. If I had known everyone was going to bail, I wouldn't have even gone.

 

And after reading all of these message board postings (with people claiming I have a social disorder because I can't see how unreasonable I am), I feel guilty that I can't see the other side...especially because if I were in their shoes, I would have stayed with the other person in a second, no questions asked!

 

I also found out that the guy that was going crazy on me has a habit of talking about me behind my back (I guess I shouldn't have been surprised). I confronted him about it (not in a rude way, just talking) and he denied it. He later went to the person who he had told all of this to and got angry with them, asking why he couldn't trust them to keep secrets.....and this is right after he told me he hated this person....so obviously, not great friend material.

 

Maybe I should have let it slide, but I just felt like this was the last straw....but now I feel terrible like even though I'm setting boundaries, maybe my feelings of what is a boundary is wrong?

Edited December 17, 2009 by mustangsally

[sugarmomma]

You say you altererd your plans before and they bailed on you? That would have been reason enough to drop them. I can't believe they let a female stay alone. They are ****ty and you are better off without all of them. A friend is someone you know, like and trust. These people are just aquaintances, not friends. I would cut my losses and try to make some real friends. They don't seem to care about your well being as a human let alone your feelings.

[mustangsally]

You say you altererd your plans before and they bailed on you? That would have been reason enough to drop them. I can't believe they let a female stay alone. They are ****ty and you are better off without all of them. A friend is someone you know, like and trust. These people are just aquaintances, not friends. I would cut my losses and try to make some real friends. They don't seem to care about your well being as a human let alone your feelings.

 

Yeah...we had made plans to go away together and my friend from home was visiting Europe and asked me if I wanted to join her and her boyfriend in Munich, but I had to decide by a certain date. The date passed and then these people bailed. I asked why they hadn't been upfront and they said they didn't want to hurt my feelings and they wanted to go, just that it wasn't a convenient time.

[sugarmomma]

They suck!! I wouldn't bother with them. You know in your gut when you're being mishandled by people and you were right. They just want to try to convince you that you are being unreasonable. Don't let it happen.

[mustangsally]

They suck!! I wouldn't bother with them. You know in your gut when you're being mishandled by people and you were right. They just want to try to convince you that you are being unreasonable. Don't let it happen.

 

That does make me feel better. Thanks...maybe I didn't present myself well on the other message board then....they told me I had a social disorder and needed to consider therapy for not being able to let something petty slide. Not that I'm playing the victim, I'm just repeating what they told me, which made me wonder...

[sugarmomma]

You probably could have been more mature in your response to them. but to be hurt and disappointed that they didn't care about you feeling safe in that hotel. I think you were right. I probably would have just not ever spoken to them again instead of the confrontation. That's just me though. When I run into ****ty people I just leave them alone. I could have never allowed my friend to stay in a hotel that she felt unsafe in alone. I just would feel ok with that. It was a group of them. They could have come up with something.

[mustangsally]

You probably could have been more mature in your response to them. but to be hurt and disappointed that they didn't care about you feeling safe in that hotel. I think you were right. I probably would have just not ever spoken to them again instead of the confrontation. That's just me though. When I run into ****ty people I just leave them alone. I could have never allowed my friend to stay in a hotel that she felt unsafe in alone. I just would feel ok with that. It was a group of them. They could have come up with something.

 

Not speaking to them again was the plan. lol...it got foiled when they noticed the facebook unfriending. Immature on my part? Maybe. But it was just me being upset. If me unfriending you on facebook is the worst I've done to you and you left me in a foreign country by myself? lol....kind of uneven.

[sugarmomma]

Not speaking to them again was the plan. lol...it got foiled when they noticed the facebook unfriending. Immature on my part? Maybe. But it was just me being upset. If me unfriending you on facebook is the worst I've done to you and you left me in a foreign country by myself? lol....kind of uneven.

 

I misread that then. I see that you were on a message board with other people, not them. I had it wrong. Yea I see what you mean. They still suck! lol

[Tayla]

Lets get one thing very clear- Your feelings and safety are NOT petty! You absolutely deserve having them acknowledged and regarded!

I get that I am only reading one side of the story, thus one perspective. Still you seem to be reasonable and accomodating to others. Its time to maintain your boundaries and not allow them to *minimize* your feelings or your right to them!

[dazzle22]

This is one big nasty debacle. You would do best to chuck the lot of them and find some new friends. Seriously...who needs people like that in their life...