tigressA Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I'm really upset for my best guy friend because he told me recently that a girl he had a big crush on filed a stalking complaint against him with state police. This girl and my friend were friends; they were in Model UN together and they would see each other on campus and talk online. He had asked her out to dinner at the end of last month; she had said no because she was too busy. He backed off. The weekend after he had asked her out he was out at a bar that's popular with his school (we go to different schools). He had a few too many and he drunk-dialed her twice--he had gotten her number from a mutual friend and had never called her before. He had asked her a couple days later about it and she said she had never gotten the messages; she didn't recognize his number. Everything seemed fine. But then at the end of that week he gets police at his house, saying that this girl filed a stalking complaint. The orders are that he is to have absolutely no contact with her, direct or indirect--he is not to approach her. He's free to move about as normal, but not to contact her. Well, last night he went out to the bar again and saw her there. He did not approach her at all; he got a beer, talked to a few friends and then hightailed it out of there; he was there for less than 20 minutes. He IMed me freaking out wondering if she was going to do anything to make things worse for him. He said he doesn't know what she's capable of now since she turned him in to the cops initially. He's scared because he knows that the stalking laws give this girl virtually all the power; it doesn't matter if anyone else thinks what he did wasn't weird--if she was creeped out, it's more than enough. He was asking me if there's anything he should do as a "best defense is a good offense" kind of thing just in case she does take it further as a result of the bar sighting, but I don't know. I really want to help my friend because I know he's a good person and he doesn't deserve this happening to him, but I don't know what he should do, or what he can do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 The orders are that he is to have absolutely no contact with her, direct or indirect--he is not to approach her. He's free to move about as normal, but not to contact her. From this line, he knows what to do, don't make contact. He is allowed to go to the bar as normal. Just make sure he does not talk, smile, chat, email, twitter, facebook, wink, touch, slap, etc... at or to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 Well, yes, I know that, and he knows too. He is just freaking out because he went to the bar and saw her and is certain that she saw him; he's afraid that merely because of that sighting, even though he did not approach her, she will make things more difficult for him. I should've put this in: though the orders are as I said above, one of the police officers who came to his house had said that "If you see her anywhere, you're to leave." I don't know why he would say that if that wasn't part of the express orders. It could've been to just make sure my friend doesn't approach this girl at all, but who knows? He's afraid because he doesn't know what she's capable of and because of what the police officer had said to him. Is it normal for police to say those things even if they're not a part of the express orders? Does it seem like he was being intimidated by the officer? Or does my friend have good reason to be afraid? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 I think we're not getting the whole story Ask your BMF to describe what he means when he's "friends" with a young lady. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 I've known this guy for 11 years; I've seen him go through countless crushes. He's a big geek, has never had a girlfriend, has no physical experience with a girl, and he's harmless. He's told me exact things he's said to girls he was interested in and their responses (mind you, carhill, absolutely NOTHING like the "friend" I was talking about in my other thread). He is gentlemanly and knows when to back off when he realizes that he has no chance with a girl--he'll ask them out or tell them how he feels and if they say they're not interested, then that is that for him. If he's interested in someone he will do things like initiate more contact with them, get to know them, etc. But he always ends up getting friendzoned. He'll be bummed out about it for a few weeks or so and then he moves on. I know he still counts many of the girls who have rejected him as friends--those who aren't he's either lost contact with or they were hostile to him, so he didn't think remaining friends was worth it. The two of us talk to each other about everything and I would know if he had had any other incident like this occur, and he hasn't. The girl at hand here has a checkered dating history; all the guys (4) she's dated have cheated on her; most recently she was dating a cop who cheated with his ex-wife and knocked her up. My friend told me (though I'm going to ask him if he has evidence of this, like an online conversation) that she admitted to him that she had been feeling 'mentally unstable' for some time after the incident with her most recent ex. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 Has he been this friend's emotional tampon? How many guys has she chewed through since he's known her as a friend? Obviously, absent him paying for legal advice in your jurisdiction and formulating a legal response, he'll have to follow the letter and spirit of the order he's received. It's possible he can challenge the order pro se if he's up to going to court. When does the order expire? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 Yes, he has been her emotional tampon. She's gone through 2 guys since they've been friends. I don't know when the order expires. She does graduate next weekend, and then it's very, very unlikely that they'll be bumping into each other since they live in different towns--actually, different states. He and I are both from PA and she's from NY; they go to a NY school. She lives on campus and he commutes. He's on campus a lot though because apart from having classes, he's in Model UN, has a job at the library, and he tutors. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 Sounds like she has finished her use of the tampon and will now move on to the next one. Women like her will have many such tampons throughout their lives, generally not attracting them anymore just around the same time as the real tampons no longer are needed. So, good news; two more weeks and he won't have to even think about avoiding her. Life will get better. Set him up with some gals who don't use men as tampons Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 Sounds like she has finished her use of the tampon and will now move on to the next one. Women like her will have many such tampons throughout their lives, generally not attracting them anymore just around the same time as the real tampons no longer are needed. So, good news; two more weeks and he won't have to even think about avoiding her. Life will get better. Set him up with some gals who don't use men as tampons True. It's just that even though she's graduating, there's still plenty of time for this girl to possibly ruin my friend's life, and he doesn't deserve that at all. I told him that if it got to the point of having to go to court I will offer to be a character witness for him. What I just don't understand is that the order was specific--just no contact, period. But why would the one officer say "If you see her anywhere, you're to leave"? Is that just an intimidation tactic or something? The main reason my friend is freaking out is because of the officer having said that and he saw her at the bar; she saw him, and though he didn't approach her, he didn't leave immediately. If she goes back to the police about that.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Share Posted May 10, 2009 The officers words are the "spirit" of the order, specifically that he is ordered to take proactive steps to avoid contact. It's not that different from a restraining order, and could be called such in some jurisdictions. If she can take a cell phone picture of him across the bar and have friends back her story, whatever it is, she could make things difficult for him. Will she? Nah, I doubt it. She probably learned the legal stuff from the cop who knocked her up. Interesting how that works Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 10, 2009 Author Share Posted May 10, 2009 Actually she isn't knocked up; the cop cheated on her with his ex-wife and got his ex-wife pregnant--sorry if I made that look confusing at first. But still, you could be right--she probably won't make things difficult. There may be witnesses who can attest to him not having approached her while at the bar. I can understand my friend's worry though; he's pretty sure that the drunk-dials are what provoked her to file the complaint, but he had talked to her only a couple days after that incident. She had him under the impression that everything was okay, and then she went to the cops. She might've made some stuff up as well; my friend told me he doesn't know what she told the cops. So if she's capable of lying to his face and then carrying tales to the police, she could very well create further trouble for him stemming from the bar sighting. I don't know this girl personally but I think she's got major-league issues. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 11, 2009 Share Posted May 11, 2009 No worries; it's not hard to confuse me IMO, I'd advise him to continue his life as usual and act in a responsible manner regarding the order and let time pass. Time reveals all truths. Link to post Share on other sites
engravefeelthevoid Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 let him relax...t's gonna pass wether he likes it or not...let him shift to autopilot Link to post Share on other sites
Author tigressA Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 They both graduated and they saw each other at several Senior Week events, though he didn't approach her; my friend told me that he hasn't been served with an arrest warrant, so we assume she didn't think he was a threat after she filed the initial restraining order against him. They most likely will never run into each other again since they're from different towns. He was just scared because he had violated the 'spirit' of the order by not immediately leaving the bar after having spotted her and I wanted to see if there was anything I could find out that he or I could do if this girl had decided to take things further. But now there's no need to worry. I'm just glad it's over now for him; he didn't deserve it at all. He did tell me that he's done with women for good now, though. Thanks for the advice everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 He did tell me that he's done with women for good now, though. LOL, yeah, I always said that too but blue balls got the better of me Link to post Share on other sites
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