Problem Friend

[Hedkandi]

Hi everyone,

 

I needed another perspective on this.

 

Me and this friend, called ‘X’, have been best friends for quite some time. 3 years ago (nearly), I got together with my boyfriend and she seems to been funny about it ever since.

 

She started having a go at me saying I wasn’t spending enough time with her etc. She actually wrote some really spiteful emails, saying that I was really hypocritical, implying I was using her. She also said that she really resented me and was really jealous. Anyway, I replied in a positive manner saying I didn’t mean to come across that I had left her out of anything and that friendships change and grow, and that I was changing and growing etc. She was still sniping a bit after that, so I left it, I felt I was being dragged down. The first time she met my boyfriend, she was really horrible to him as well. He was nothing but nice to her, civil and polite, but she kept trying to drag him down in later conversations we had together. Then about 6 months later she sent me a email to say she was sorry, and we kinda started being in touch again. She came down for a day to visit me and she was ok with my boyfriend and me. However, she kept phoning me with all her problems and wasn’t really listening to when I had news (positive or negative!). She kept saying I was really lucky having a boyfriend, but it felt more like a guilt-trip at this point.

 

Recently, she came to visit me for my birthday. I arranged that she could stay with some friends of mine that she knows (as my parents who I live with are going through a bad patch and it wasn’t convenient for her to stay there). I even paid for part of her local train ticket so she could get money off (She lives 60 miles away from me). That night, she turned up late, hardly spoke to my boyfriend (who tried to speak to her but she seemed really edgy around him), then tried to get everyone to go to another pub when I’d already organised the whole night and it was my birthday!! She seemed to get in a strop then. She didn’t even turn up with a birthday present or anything!

 

Since then, she’s bearly spoken to me. I’ve contacted her a couple of times via phone, but she’ll leave messages at times when she knows I’m not available (i.e. when I’m at work during the day so I have to call her back), or when I have spoken to her (once), she tried to cut the conversation short. I even texted her after she left my birthday party but she replied a few days later by email saying ‘I had a good time at your birthday, speak soon’.

 

I feel like I’m chasing after her, trying to consider her needs all the time, but keep getting hassle from her. I’ve included her in things to a degree since the split last year (it was hard after we didn’t speak), but now feel she’s gone funny again after my birthday, like she’s backing off a lot. I thought things were ok-ish, but obviously not. I’ve also lent her substantial amounts of money in the past, but she hasn’t paid me the total amount back. If she had major money problems, I would understand. She’s just been on holiday to the USA though!

 

I don’t know what to do anymore. I really feel like I’ve made an effort to get things back on track. She says she’s happy for me that I’m in a relationship (not that I bang on about my boyfriend to her, I feel I can’t!) but I feel that she isn’t if she acts like this.

 

Any other perspective/advice on this would be gratefully received.

 

Thanks

[Ronni_W]

It sounds as if the relationship is no longer serving you and has, in fact, become a drain. I'm actually reading a chapter on "appropriate destruction", and following is part of what it says about relationships. (Sorry, it's way long...really not sure what to eliminate, then realized you have the power to decide for yourself what is and is not relevant for you.) Hope you find something useful

 

---

You cannot change other people but, socially speaking, what they think and feel about you [and how they treat you] matters a great deal. Therefore, the people you surround yourself with are vitally important for your well-being, growth and personal satisfaction. [Y]ou can carry a number of relationships around with you that no longer serve you and perhaps never did. These are relationships maintained out of habit and in some cases a false sense of duty.

Relationships have a way of either enhancing and contributing to your power by supporting who you are or draining your power by subtly undermining and attacking you. The way people hold you in their esteem [evidenced by how they treat you] directly affects your well-being. Jealousy, envy and ill-will can be a real attack on your power base. [D]o not cultivate relationships that undercut your power. This does not mean avoid constructive criticism or the natural emotions that come up during a disagreement or quarrel. It means do not continue relationships that regularly drain your resources and attack your goals in life.

 

Choosing Your Relationships

1. Make a list of your relationships.

2. For the ones that raise doubts in your mind, list positive and negative features.

3. Review the 'balance sheet'.

4. Choose your course of action.

 

If you have trouble with this, just ask yourself, "Do I want to be a powerful and effective person in my life, or do I just want to avoid guilt?"

 

~~ from 'Secrets of Shamanism' by Jose Stevens and Lena Stevens.