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friendship problem


Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 18th April 2002, 3:42 PM   #1
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friendship problem

let me preface this by saying that this isn't about love gone bad or guy-girl problems, but seeking advice on how to politely -- but effectively -- tell someone that you don't care for them lying to you.

My husband and I have opened our home to a friend of my niece's, and he comes to visit every few months, especially when he needs to get away from it all (we're out in the country, he's in the city). We've taken him in, fed him, even fed-ex'd his wallet and checkbook back to him when we realized that he left there. Basically, we've treated him like we would any of the kids in the family.

He's a nice kid, but ... he's really bad about promising things, then not following through. Minor stuff, like forgetting to call us to let us know that his two-hour drive home went safely, I can understand, but it drives me nuts that he borrows things, promising to return them immediately, but doesnt' do so, even when I email or call to remind him!

I don't do those kinds of things to people because my mother raised me better than that, so it drives me nuts when I have to deal with it. My husband says to let it slide, but I hate feeling like I'm letting this person take advantage of me. Any suggestions on how to nicely let him know that I don't appreciate him pulling that kind of crap on our friendship?
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Old 18th April 2002, 4:20 PM   #2
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Re: friendship problem

Exactly why do you think you have to be so nice about it??? It is already because of your extreme kindness and generosity that you are losing things to this guy and paying to ship back the stuff he forgets.

Tell him very assertively that you want him to return the things that he has borrowed. Also tell him that because of his history of not returning things, you will not be able to loan him any more stuff.

In addition, get a credit card number and expiration date from him to charge the Federal Express packages you have to send to him.

The guy is a real freeloader and it pisses me off as much as it must piss you off. Your husband is dead WRONG here. You can't let somebody you are this nice to walk all over you.

Let him know if he fails to call you one more time to let you know he's arrived back at home safe, he may no longer come to your place. He should be so lucky to have a friend like you who cares enough about that.

If he takes one more thing without returning it or otherwise keeping his word, cut him off and let him know he is NO LONGER welcome at your place. This is just like inviting a burglar to spend the weekend and letting him take whatever he wants after he has enjoyed his stay and had some of your great cooking.

This situation really stinks.
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Old 18th April 2002, 6:09 PM   #3
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Re: friendship problem

thanks for the suggestions, Tony -- I was a bit worried that I could be overreacting, but my contention is, I treat people the way I expect to be treated in return. While I hate cutting off friendships, I'm beginning to believe that it wouldn't be so great of a loss as it would be if it continues the way it has. And you're right, the situation stinks, especially since we've taken him under our wing. Oh well ....
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Old 18th April 2002, 6:44 PM   #4
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Be careful

First off, using the word lie.

As my professor told me, saying someone lies versus someone not saying or doing something they were supposed to are two different things. To lie is to have intent to deceive.

This guy probably does not intend to deceive you, therefor he has not lied.

He is of course irresponsible. Take away his privilages until he realizes error in his ways. He will learn really quick why you have not allowed to him to receive your help. Tell him if he can't follow your rules, then he can't have the privilages that come with them.
Quote:
let me preface this by saying that this isn't about love gone bad or guy-girl problems, but seeking advice on how to politely -- but effectively -- tell someone that you don't care for them lying to you. My husband and I have opened our home to a friend of my niece's, and he comes to visit every few months, especially when he needs to get away from it all (we're out in the country, he's in the city). We've taken him in, fed him, even fed-ex'd his wallet and checkbook back to him when we realized that he left there. Basically, we've treated him like we would any of the kids in the family. He's a nice kid, but ... he's really bad about promising things, then not following through. Minor stuff, like forgetting to call us to let us know that his two-hour drive home went safely, I can understand, but it drives me nuts that he borrows things, promising to return them immediately, but doesnt' do so, even when I email or call to remind him! I don't do those kinds of things to people because my mother raised me better than that, so it drives me nuts when I have to deal with it. My husband says to let it slide, but I hate feeling like I'm letting this person take advantage of me. Any suggestions on how to nicely let him know that I don't appreciate him pulling that kind of crap on our friendship?
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Old 19th April 2002, 12:27 PM   #5
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Re: Be careful

I use the word "lie" because while I believe he honestly doesn't intend to be as irresponsible as he has been, it keeps happening, and in my book that's perpetrating a lie. By chosing actions contrary to what he speaks, he is, in effect, lying and therefore is no longer trustworthy.

Taking away his privileges isn't an option, he's a young adult of 24! And that's an age of reason, where one should understand that you just don't treat your so-called friends that way.
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Old 21st April 2002, 1:06 AM   #6
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Re: friendship problem

what this guy needs most is to grow up and take responsibility. your unconditional generosity actually is the opposite of what he needs. draw some firm boundaries and be equally firm in sticking to them. you sound like a great person with a very sincere heart, and I hope that you will save your kindness to share with others who truly appreciate it. who knows, maybe he'll see the error of his ways and change his way of relating to you, but if not, get rid of him. period.
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