How can men and women just be friends?

[zakforsman]

First let me introduce myself, my name is Zak and I'm an independent filmmaker. I've been lurking on these boards for a long time and have always admired the frank discussion in this community and the way everyone has come together to help each other out. i think it's really amazing. And a rare find on the internet.

 

Anyway, I'm working on a new project about a young woman and young man who are just friends, and nothing more. Basically, I have some friends... guy friends... who say that they have female friends that they never have had a single romantic thought about. And I find that a little hard to believe. I know the whole "When Harry Met Sally" thing is a cliche, but a lot of people think it generally holds true – that no heterosexual male can be friends with a woman and not take it to the next level if the opportunity presents itself.

 

Does anyone have a story about being in a friendship with the opposite sex that never inspired thoughts of "what if"? And guys, can you be friends woth a woman and not want to take it to a romantic place given the chance? I'm just looking for insight.

[Geishawhelk]

I had one friend who was been a longtime companion, and who I would have gone to the ends of the earth for.

Completely heterosexual, the only fly in the ointment was an ex-girlfreind who also refused to believe such a frienship was possible.

It was a frienship that spenned nearly 20 years of my life.... we separated when I moved to France with my family.

 

He's since died. He died of cancer.

 

He was 55.

 

I miss him every day.

[Geishawhelk]

Darn it.

Wanted to get back in and edit the typos.

Not usually so careless, but felt a bit tearful.....

 

I met him when I was a schoolkid, and he was a few years older....He was the son of a Security warden of a block of Flats. his mum was the general housekeeper and Receptionist.

They were a lovely family.

I remember at three o'clock one morning, he came pounding on our front door, and I leant out of my top floor bedroom window to see him on our doorstep, crying...

His father had just died (also of cancer) and I was the one and only person he wanted to tell.

We were inseparable, and when his girlfriend started getting all possessive and indignant, his mother put her in her place.....

Tried to keep in touch when I went abroad, but he travelled a good deal too.....

And then I received word he'd died.

 

I cried solidly for a week.

Still do at times.

[Tabatha]

My boyfriend has friends that are girls, and he's known them most of his childhood. He can hang out with them and talk to them as if they were just one of the guys basically.

[carhill]

And guys, can you be friends woth a woman and not want to take it to a romantic place given the chance?

 

Sure. IMO, it depends on two things: First, genetic makeup; how the man's brain is configured. Second, socialization; what and how inter-gender relationships are presented to the man when he was young and how his role in them was modeled.

 

Think about how a gay man views women. What switch in his brain is different to desire men sexually but enjoy women emotionally though not be attracted to them? What's different? Maybe someday they'll figure that out. This work will likely help understand why some men can be hetero but not universally attracted; IOW, they desire women but not every woman who they deem attractive.

 

We've had lots of examples here on LS of men saying they think a woman is beautiful but don't find her attractive or desire her sexually. They can discriminate between sexual attractiveness in general terms and their own personal attraction. That's how a man can be "friends" with a woman.

 

My best friend for many years was a woman. We did things together, traveled together, commiserated over boyfriend/girlfriend/dating issues and even shopped for each other together and sent each other cards and gifts. I was happy for her when things finally worked out for her and her boyfriend, whom she later married. After I got married, we lost touch. Once in awhile, I'll see someone in my travels who reminds me of her and I'll miss her, not as a lost potential romantic interest, but as the valuable friend she was. I'd look her up now, but marital issues compel me to prioritize it before any friendship resumptions. I need to get my emotional needs met by my wife, not by other outside female friends.

 

That last part, IMO, is also key to how a man can be friends with a woman. It occurs when the emotional connection is at the forefront and instead of any sexual interest. The man has to be wired that way. If his first thoughts with women are sexual and he connects emotionally with a woman mainly through sex, he'll likely have few long-term platonic female friends, IMO.

 

Good luck with your film

[fral945]

I've never had a close female friend in my life and probably never will, though I won't say never for sure. I just don't have a lot in common with women in a "friends" kind of way. I have female acquaintances and woman I'm interested in (for sex or a relationship), that's it. I think it boils down to me relating better to my own sex.

 

Although I have to admit I've met a few lesbians that I can relate to. I actually read a study somewhere that analyzed the brains of people with various sexual orientations. They found that the symmetry of the homosexual brains resembled that of the opposite sex. It stated that homosexuals tend to exhibit the tendencies of the opposite sex in brain behavior unrelated to sexual activity. So maybe that explains it.

[UnamedSeven]

To be honest, i still have a friend who i've known for 3 years, but never fully became her friend until may of this year.

 

When i got my heart broken by her.

 

I'm still her friend but we always fight about random things. I got her and my best friend together hoping that, if she would be happy, i would be too. I hurt myself by doing so, but i know i have made her happy because they are still together.

[Capricciosa]

My longest friendship is with a guy who is hetero (28 years). We were never attracted to each other "in that way", though no one ever believed that we hadn't had sex. Well we didn't and I am of the opinion that if it doesn't happen in the first few years of a friendship, a different sort of bond grows. I have another male friend who I've known for about 6 years now. We briefly floated the idea that we might date each other since we were having such crap luck otherwise, and really enjoy each other's company. But I can't seem to go there, because a) he's not really my type on several levels, though I love him and appreciate the things we do have in common, and b) I would never risk spoiling such a great friendship for something as unstable and unpredictable as a relationship. Maybe I would feel otherwise if the attraction was there. So IMHO, if the physical attraction is not there, it is easy to just be friends. And after a good, solid friendship is established, it is risky to take it to some other level. That said, SO's have often been uncomfortable with my cross-gender friendships.

[D-Lish]

I have many male friends- would they shag me given the chance? yeah- for sure. But I think they also know the boundaries. We are not 18... we are in our 30's....

 

I had a Best friend in College who was male... he began as my room mate- but he never reconciled with anyone I dated- he tried to sabotage every relationship I ever had.

 

I remember he once ran upstairs and banged on my bedroom door and called me a whore because I had my boyfriend stay over....then the next day pretended he didn't remember. he came to my wedding (with that same guy) and got smashed and knocked my cake table over....

 

I have some guy friends that can handle it... others that cannot.

I recently had to give up a friendship with a guy that began attempting to date me- I refused for months but he stalked.... then met someone and we sort of straightened things out. Then- after being with his gf for almost 2 years he started sending me pictures of his penis on his phone....

 

I know girls can friendzone someone and mean it... I am not so sure guys can do the same thing.

[quankanne]

I've got a really close friends who is a guy, from my college days 20 years ago, and while I can see us growing old together, I can't picture myself romantically or physically involved with him because that would be too weird. You could call it a soul mate kind of thing, but I don't know if that term is even adequate for what I feel for this guy – he's a combination best friend, brother, companion, other half of the equation for me, but in a purely platonic sense.

 

early on, I think we must have questioned it because he was a guy and I was a girl, but decided (happily) that friendship was the one true path to follow, because what we'd discover along the way would be priceless. And it has been.

 

I've been lucky in that his wife understands and respects our close friendship, she's shooed us off to go spend time together because she knows we don't see each other often, and I love her being so understanding. Mostly, though, I love her because she *gets* him and is the kind of woman I had always hoped he'd find because he *is* that special to me.

 

my husband is also pretty understanding of the relationship, I think because I was up front with him about my good friend, and DH knows that I love this guy like family. And understands that I draw a hard line between the men I call friends and the ones that I'd be in a physical relationship with, like with him.

[JePam]

I have grown up with 3 older and 1 younger brothers. I never spent alot of time with girls, so i find it hard to relate to them since im pretty much a tom boy. My best friend for the last 10 years has been a guy i met at high school. He and i get along better than any girl i have ever met because i can sit there and offer him $20 to eat a lollie of the group thats covered in dirt and he will eat it.

 

People are people man, it makes no difference weather they have a penis or a vagina.

[BlossomingLotus]

People are people man, it makes no difference weather they have a penis or a vagina.

 

I like the way you think Pam! I wish it was always the truth. I am that way. If I put it in my mind someone is my friend, then they are my friend. Nothing more. I can even do it with men I have dated in the past. Let's say we dated, it ended for one reason or another... and then later I run into them. I can say "hey - it didn't work the first time, but he's a cool person... he will be my friend". That's all it takes for me. Unfortunately, that is not always the case with the male side of it (at least not for me). I recently had to tell a friend that he was saying things that made me uncomfortable and it wasn't fair to me. That if he wasn't able to just be friends with me and accept the fact that I am in a relationship and that he and I would NEVER be more than friends again then we would have to stop hanging out. He seemed to take that pretty well so far, but it has only been about a week so we will see what happens.

[carhill]

I recently had to tell a friend that he was saying things that made me uncomfortable and it wasn't fair to me. That if he wasn't able to just be friends with me and accept the fact that I am in a relationship and that he and I would NEVER be more than friends again then we would have to stop hanging out. He seemed to take that pretty well so far, but it has only been about a week so we will see what happens.

 

If you've noted and met other platonic female friends of his, then it is possible. If not, I'm afraid not. Some men can be friends with women; others can't. The mix of genetics, testosterone and socialization usually decides, IME

[Magnatolia]

As a guy with a lot of female friends, I am going to say that all this talk about genetics and how guys can't handle being just friends is complete bull. Yes, there are times when a guy will fall for a friend, however the same thing can be said for women.

 

I have female friends that I've fallen for, they said they just wanted to be friends. A few months later I can't even recall what it was about them that I liked. I only see them as friends and one of them I'm not even physically attracted to anymore.

 

I think that for a guy/girl to fall for a friend, and still be willing to be friends shows a very strong friendship. I live by the motto 'everyone should be allowed to ask a friend out once'.

 

What I mean is, a friends ask you out, you say no you just want to be friends. That's it, the guy/girl cannot ask you out again and should not do anything to try and change your mind. I had a female friend do this and things were really unstable between us but she settled down and all is sweet.

 

I just connect better with women. Don't get me wrong, if I go to a house party or bbq or whatever I work the room. Guys and girls, whoever I find to be interesting.