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Friendship Having issues with a friend? Get it off your chest!

Old 14th January 2002, 5:17 PM   #1
loner
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close friends

Hello

I have a question about having friends.

I'm around 20 years old, and in my whole life, I have only been truly close with one or two people, one of them being my ex.

I see people ... back in highschool and now in college... having a little gang, with whom they hang out, they're all so comfy and cozy together... support each other, get really close, have common hobbies they spend nights n days on... have tons of inside-jokes and stories ... stay in touch for the rest of their lives... I don't know if it only seems like it, but they look like very close friends, who can rely on each other, and who truly care about each other despite their faults. Etc...

Well - and then there's me - I know a lot of people - People think i'm popular. But the truth is - all thsoe people are aquintances - I have a half n hour chat with them and off we go ... And i'm not really close with them... There're usually 4-5 gangs like that I periodically hang out with... but each gang is tight amongst themselves -they're always together and stuff - and i'm a sort of coming n going thing ... As a result, when it comes to say, taking a trip - those gangs have no problem - the 4-5-6-whatever of them go together. Me - i have a big problem, because the people i like best are usually scattered among the gangs, and each gang sees me as an outsider, it wouldn't occur to them to invite me along (though i suppose they wdn't mind if i invited myself)... I hope you understand my social situation now.

My question is ... from your experience, will i gain much if i try and stick to one of the gangs?

I often feel lonely, b/c though there're tons of people i can talk to, and they'll welcome me... i dont have any really close friends do actually care about me. What can i do? I've tried to become closer with people before, but they always had a gang around them, and while they'd like me and spend time with me, their gang would always be much closer for them than me... Yeah - this is a good way to sum it up n stop rambling: i don't have any friends for whom i'd be one of the closest people to them.

One suspicion I have is that those cozy gangs are worse than they seem from the outside... I dunna!

Any advice or comments or experiences to share?

Thanks
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Old 14th January 2002, 5:43 PM   #2
loner
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i forgot to mention something

An additional issue is that ... it's easier for me to get along with guys. But once I become close with a guy, he asks me out... and no friendship happens. With girls ... it's hard for me to get along with girls, and ive only had one girl-friend in my whole life with whom i hung out for over several months. I get along best with somewhat geeky guys... I enjoy their company, we have tons to talk about... but - always ends up w/ them liking me... So usually, when i see signs of their attraction, i have to step back, and here we go - i cannot be a close friend of theirs anymore.

And even if i date them, their other guy-friends are closer to them than me, at least in the beginning. And at all times - they have me PLUS some friends. I have them PLUS other guys who're interested in me. How do I get some normal friends, people?

Thanks again.
Quote:
Hello I have a question about having friends. I'm around 20 years old, and in my whole life, I have only been truly close with one or two people, one of them being my ex. I see people ... back in highschool and now in college... having a little gang, with whom they hang out, they're all so comfy and cozy together... support each other, get really close, have common hobbies they spend nights n days on... have tons of inside-jokes and stories ... stay in touch for the rest of their lives... I don't know if it only seems like it, but they look like very close friends, who can rely on each other, and who truly care about each other despite their faults. Etc... Well - and then there's me - I know a lot of people - People think i'm popular. But the truth is - all thsoe people are aquintances - I have a half n hour chat with them and off we go ... And i'm not really close with them... There're usually 4-5 gangs like that I periodically hang out with... but each gang is tight amongst themselves -they're always together and stuff - and i'm a sort of coming n going thing ... As a result, when it comes to say, taking a trip - those gangs have no problem - the 4-5-6-whatever of them go together. Me - i have a big problem, because the people i like best are usually scattered among the gangs, and each gang sees me as an outsider, it wouldn't occur to them to invite me along (though i suppose they wdn't mind if i invited myself)... I hope you understand my social situation now.

My question is ... from your experience, will i gain much if i try and stick to one of the gangs? I often feel lonely, b/c though there're tons of people i can talk to, and they'll welcome me... i dont have any really close friends do actually care about me. What can i do? I've tried to become closer with people before, but they always had a gang around them, and while they'd like me and spend time with me, their gang would always be much closer for them than me... Yeah - this is a good way to sum it up n stop rambling: i don't have any friends for whom i'd be one of the closest people to them. One suspicion I have is that those cozy gangs are worse than they seem from the outside... I dunna! Any advice or comments or experiences to share? Thanks
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Old 14th January 2002, 6:11 PM   #3
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A common problem

Females have a pretty tough time of it sometimes, especially attractive ones. Guys want to be their friend so they may eventually have a chance with them, girls want to be friends with them so they can go out and have the nice-looking one help them attract guys. Girls are also apt to be jealous of other females.

Finding true friends is not easy. There are a lot of people out there who can be your acquaintance. Many people are into themselves and tend to only want people in their lives who fill some sort of vacuum at the time and discard them when they no longer need them. True friends are there forever.

You are young and if you do it right, you can have lifelong friends of both sexes. To have a good friend, you've got to be a good friend. If a male friend starts liking you, instead of writing him off just have a good talk with him and let him know how valuable his friendship is. Let him know if he pursues you romantically it will be a loss to him because you'll have to take a hike. You might be surprised at some who will actually back off the going out with you thing in order to preserve the friendship.

As you get older, you will have an easier time making friends with females. They won't be in as much competition with you, they will be more mature, and you'll find some with whom you have a lot more in common.

Don't worry...you will find friends if, as I said, you make it so you are a good friend. And if during your lifetime you accumulate only a handful of truly great, true blue friends, you will have found riches greater than gold.

Have patience and don't give up.
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Old 14th January 2002, 7:48 PM   #4
loner
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Re: A common problem

Thanks Tony, your response made me feel better.

I won't give up.
Quote:
Females have a pretty tough time of it sometimes, especially attractive ones. Guys want to be their friend so they may eventually have a chance with them, girls want to be friends with them so they can go out and have the nice-looking one help them attract guys. Girls are also apt to be jealous of other females. Finding true friends is not easy. There are a lot of people out there who can be your acquaintance. Many people are into themselves and tend to only want people in their lives who fill some sort of vacuum at the time and discard them when they no longer need them. True friends are there forever.

You are young and if you do it right, you can have lifelong friends of both sexes. To have a good friend, you've got to be a good friend. If a male friend starts liking you, instead of writing him off just have a good talk with him and let him know how valuable his friendship is. Let him know if he pursues you romantically it will be a loss to him because you'll have to take a hike. You might be surprised at some who will actually back off the going out with you thing in order to preserve the friendship. As you get older, you will have an easier time making friends with females. They won't be in as much competition with you, they will be more mature, and you'll find some with whom you have a lot more in common. Don't worry...you will find friends if, as I said, you make it so you are a good friend. And if during your lifetime you accumulate only a handful of truly great, true blue friends, you will have found riches greater than gold. Have patience and don't give up.
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