Give up, wait it out or is ball in my court?

[Zal2008]

I am confused about what to do about this girl "Sue" and about her desires for our friendship.

 

For those of you who don't know the background of this dysfunctional friendship, here's a quick review: Sue and I were very very close for one year. We got into a huge fight a month ago and mutually decided to cease being friends. A couple of hours later I regretted the decision and emailed her asking her to just forgive and forget and make up. She responded saying she was not able to do that and that she was not interested in living a "superficial existence" by sweeping things under the rug. And that was that.

 

She recently sent me an email to which I responded (please see the transcript below).

 

[sue wrote:]

 

Hi Zal,

I was at church today and noticed you didn't [do something.] I hope all is well with you and I was wondering if you are still going ahead with the [something personal].

I would like to hear from you every once in a while. Despite our personality clashes and what happened between us I want you to know that I do care for you and if you need something I will respond.

Keep well.

[Zal wrote:]

Hi Sue,

 

It's nice to hear from you. Thanks for your email. Yes, you're right - I chose not to go ahead with the [X]. I've decided to [do Y instead]. It was bound to happen. It's in my blood......I am just kidding. ;-) I'

m

still interested in going ahead with it, I simply chose not to do it right now.

 

Yes, I am willing to communicate. If you would like to get together over coffee one day I would like that. Hope you're well.

 

Take care,

Zal

[sue wrote:]

that was scary Zal.

coffee sounds good.

we'll make plans.

 

 

 

Well coffee never happened. Instead, we both had plans to attend the same church fellowship event, so we ended up seeing each other by fluke at church. When we first made eye contact at the church in the foyer, I avoided her gaze (I wanted her to approach me first as I feel uncomfortable and I'm confused about her intentions). Then it became obvious that I was avoiding her, so I walked up to her and said hello. She was with three other girls so I started talking to all of them. She was equally cordial.

 

Three of us (me, Sue and this other girl) drove in the same car to this person's house to watch an Old Testament movie as part of the fellowship event. We ate sandwiches and watched the movie and the whole time Sue and I merely exchanged cordial small talk. She did tell me about her date with this guy and how she has signed up with this dating service. It was nice that she shared that with me, but the way we were relating to each other was merely cordial.

 

I had to leave half-way through the movie so we didn't have a chance to talk again. I haven't heard from her and I am wondering what her desires/wishes are when it comes to our relationship.

 

Problem is I am afraid to ask because I am afraid of rejection. I am also afraid of rekindling the relationship because I don't trust that I can manage my feelings effectively when she does or says things that get under my skin. My pattern has been to show annoyance quickly through my facial expression and tone.

 

I want to know what her desires are. Did she write that email only to release herself from her anger and unforgiveness, or does she miss me and want to be close again? Knowing her, I think it could likely be the former.

 

The other issue is, if we did reconcile, I don't trust that I can bite my tongue or express my displeasure gently when she says or does something I find annoying or insensitive. And I don't expect her to stop being annoying/insensitive, so perhaps it is better to just leave things "cordial"?

 

At the end of the day, I am concerned that I am incapable of maintaining a relationship because I cannot control my feelings (anger, annoyance, paranoia, whatever.) So a part of my motivation for wanting to give this relationship another chance is to practice relationship skills that I know I am lacking. My other motivation is I don't have any other close friends, and me and this girl do have common interests.

 

At the same time, this time apart has turned my heart cold toward her. For me, it would have been better to reconcile immediately, not 6 weeks later. It's hard to trust her now. Time doesn't always heal - sometimes it turns hearts cold.

 

Insights are appreciated.