Friend betrayed my trust

[pinksugah]

I don’t really know from where to start. I feel hurt because of what my friend did to me. I do not find it hard to terminate a relationship. However, this case is totally different because I see this friend who is also a colleague on daily basis.

 

This person actually did the following to me:

- betrayed my trust.

- badmouthed me, which I have no evidence for but almost positive about from the way her family talk about me.

-badmouths/judges/gossips about people and common acquaintances repeatedly, including one of my own friends on the first day she met her, just because she did something she did not agree with. Not only this, but also having the nerve to tell me that she discussed my friends action with her family members and what they think of it.

-Trying to criticize my behavior and accusing me indirectly of being clumsy and inappropriate in social situations.

-Trying to undermine my individuality and destroying my confidence to overcome her own insecurities and disability to fit in. And the list goes on and on…

-faking and exaggerating reactions. For instance, congratulating and acting like she is very happy for a person who she despise had something good going in their lives. And of course, she acts the same way around me as if she is happy for me and then I discover her jealousy.

 

This friend seemed sweet when I first met her but people do change and the more you get to know someone the more you know about them. The way she acted made me I really cannot get over the fact of her being jealous (there are no words that can describe her disrespect). And in spite of all of this, she sometimes acts like she's all sugar and spice and everything nice. I know she has some good qualities about her like she is always there when anyone needs help, social, and outgoing. Her rollercoaster behavior really made me think that I am the negative person in this relationship and that it is because of me she does all of these things, but I had to trust my gut feelings and realize that I did not do anything to deserve it. I do not deny that I had some negative feelings like being jealous of her but I did not feel this way until she did all of the written above.

 

I think that I forgave her in my heart, but cannot move on. I really want to get over it but don't know how, and having to see her everyday, and worse, hanging around her everyday makes it even more difficult for me to heal emotionally. I can never trust her again. I tried to set some boundaries and to limit our contact to school related matters. I even tried to avoid being alone with her as much as possible but I feel it is still not enough.

Please do not tell me to confront her. The fact that not her nor the relationship are important to me eliminates the confrontation option.

Please help!

Edited March 3, 2008 by pinksugah

[Honeyspur]

Well, the thing is, you need to confront her if you want to move past this quickly.

 

If you don't mind the wait, then keep up the tactics you have been doing. They are good methods for separating and detaching. They just take time - my estimate two or three months to be completely out of her life. But you will see a significant change in a month, as long as you do these methods daily.

 

Remember that your feelings are biological ways for you to move past it - so if you are looking for a way to stop the anxiety and frustration, I'm sorry but you must have those feelings for awhile longer. It is going to make you very brave afterwards, so it is really not a waste of time.

 

If you want to know ways to confront her, feel free to ask and I'll try to help in that department too. Good luck, hon.

[Ronni_W]

To me, your best option is to act courteously and professionally with her, and nothing more. Definitely do not "hang around" on a daily basis...just deal with work-related stuff as best you can.

 

You are still using the word "friend" to describe your relationship with her, but more accurately it sounds like she is an acquaintance or work colleague...and one that you don't trust and no longer like, at that.

 

There isn't really anything to "confront" her on. She uses maladaptive coping strategies and has an unpleasant personality -- discussion isn't going to improve that. Plus, confrontation will likely just leave you feeling even worse...and probably give her (in her mind) more stuff with which to badmouth you.

 

This person doesn't sound as if she has the capacity to offer genuine friendship to anyone. As you say, you deserve better.

 

From your post, you don't sound like a "negative person" -- maybe it's that how you've let her mistreat you has caused some loss of self-confidence and self-esteem? If so, then once you get those back, perhaps you won't allow her to "stay under your skin" as is currently happening.

 

It sucks when people disappoint us. But it also points out that our initial thoughts about them were wrong, and our expectations of them were unrealistic.

[rosa197]

you should talk to her. it sounds like this is an important relationship - or you wouldn't be so effected by it. plus it soulnds like it could be a lot of hear say and/or miscommunication?

[fetish]

damned friends [fetish pounds his fists hard on a table]

[jonarmis]

I know how exactly you feel. I felt that way before when a friend betrayed me too.

 

But you should not let the sun go down upon your wrath. As much as possible, confront her. You have all the right to be angry at her, but not to the extent of committing a sin. Ask her why she did what she had done at that moment? Be forgiving. Life is too short to be carrying excess baggage and grudges.