This is driving me nuts!!

[lovegroove]

warning: major rant

 

My brother in law and I have always been pretty friendly; occasionally we'd go out for coffee, or go to the bar, or just hang out and watch movies. I enjoy hanging out with him; it's a chance to interact with someone my age outside the house (I'm a SAHM)

 

We share the same views on a lot of things, which makes for some deep conversations (again, something that's nice when your days primarily consist of Barney). He's told me a lot of things that I'm pretty confident he hasn't talked with his brother (my husband) about, and usually gave me the impression that he likes the fact that he can talk to me and I won't tease him mercilessly about it, like my husband would.

 

<edit> I do want to stop here and say that I do talk to my husband about a lot of things and it's not like I'm turning to my BiL every time I have a problem.

 

Beginning in January of this year we used to hang out fairly often (about once a month), up until the end of June. At the end of June I got a good part-time job and wanted to go for a few drinks to celebrate. My husband was exhuasted from working 12 hour shifts but suggested BiL and I still go. BiL seemed fine with that. The plan was to go to my sister's graduation party and then head out to celebrate my job afterwards. When BiL got to her party (he was invited by my family) he informed me that he and some buddies were going to go to a bar to see a band play. That night. The same night we were supposed to go celebrate my job. When I asked him when he made plans with his friends (as I'd asked him about going out earlier in the week) he replied that afternoon.

 

So naturally I was pissed. I didn't go ballistic on him but I told him I didn't appreciate him saying he'd go with me and then turning around at the last minute and changing plans. He said that he'd figured we could go another night, to which I replied that he assumed it was ok and that all he would've had to do was pick up the phone and say 'hey, Buddy X asked me if I wanted to hang out; do you mind if we do this another night?'

 

Anyway, we ended up celebrating a few nights later and he explained what had happened to prompt him to change the plans. He more or less apologized, which I accepted, and asked him in the future to not to assume that i'd be able to change plans at the last minute. We were totally cool after that and ended up having a really good conversation and a lot of fun that night.

 

However, since then whenever I'd ask him to go do something he would turn me down, always with a different 'reason' - I have to work, I don't feel like going out, no money. I'm not an unreasonable person and I know that my friends won't always be able or willing to hang out when I want them to. For almost 2 months this went on, until finally I asked him (after being turned down for about the 6th time in a row) if hanging out with me in public made him uncomfortable. He said yes. I asked him why, and he said because he was concerned with what people would think, and if people would talk.

 

Then I started to wonder why this bothered him so much, seemingly all of a sudden. So I asked him what he was worried about people saying. He said "Well, people talk enough when you're with a women, especially at a bar. Besides, it kills my 'pickup vibe' when we're out because women won't come up and talk to me if they see I'm with you". I asked him why he didn't go up and talk to them and basically he said he's done trying to make the first move because it hasn't worked for him in the past. He said that he builds walls around himself (I don't' remember exactly how he worded it, but that was the gist of it). He said he doesn't like when people ask a lot of questions and force him to talk about his feelings (again, that's not verbatim). But when he's having a bad week he's fine with ranting to me about it.

 

He's been divorced (under not very friendly circumstances) and was (unknowingly) the "other guy" to his last girlfriend. So I can appreciate the walls thing.

 

But now I'm just totally confused. He's told me in the past that he's not used to people understanding him (after one of our infamous discussions), then tells me now that no one understands him. He seemed totally fine with us hanging out occasionally and now it bothers him? I don't act any differently around him now than I have in the past. I know my husband is totally fine with our friendship, so I'm not worried that he's told BiL to stop hanging with me.

 

A few days ago I was talking to him about something that apparently he was uncomfortable with. He became very cold and somewhat defensive about it. I gave him some time to cool down and then said that I hadn't meant to upset him and that I'd only brought it up because I was worried about him. He replied, very sullenly, "I can take care of myself".

 

That was the last straw. I was tired of his attitude and tired of being his emotional puppet. I looked at him and replied coldly "You know, just because someone worries about you doesn't mean they want to 'take care' of you. It means they are worried about you and your well-being, and want to know or at least hope that you'll be okay."

 

So what's going on? I'm totally confused and emotionally exhausted from all of this. I do care about him a lot; he's kind of like a little brother to me as well as a friend.