Is it worth trying to save?

[jj2007]

Ok, I have been friends with a girl for about 12 yrs now (we grew up together, went to school together, even did the ol' "blood sisters" thing) We have always been really close, we have always leaned on each other for support, always shared our secrets, etc. Well, since we graduated high school we have started our families and over time drifted apart. I would call her 1 or 2 times a month to keep in touch.

Well, last November she called out of the blue to invite me & my family to a thanksgiving dinner. So, we went. I'm not very big on crowds-she knows that. When we showed up there were cars parked everywhere! There were at least 30 to 40 people there. None of which I knew. So I tried to be social but no one knew me and you can only talk about the weather, kids etc. for so long. Some people I would try to talk to would just turn up their nose and walk away.

She did stop to talk to me a few times but other than that I didn't even see her. I figured that she was probably busy being hostess.

Well, later on in the evening I hear her telling some of the guests "oh you guys should come to our christmas party! It's sooo much fun! We exchange presents and everything!"

So after a little while of sitting with my family and us talking amongst ourselves, we decided to leave. I told her the food was great but we were going to go and for her to call me sometime she said "ok, see you around."

I just don't understand why she would go to the trouble to call and invite me when I'm usually the one to do the calling (I always have)

1) She knows I don't like crowds.

2) She ignored me pretty much all night.

 

I may be reading too much into this, but it just feels like she did all this just to show me how wonderful her life is, how many friends she now has, and just trying to show off that "martha stewart" lifestyle.

I haven't heard from her since. It really bothered me because we both grew up with the same lifestyle (neither of us were rich) and now it seems like she has all these brand new high class friends and she is too good for me and for some reason wanted to rub it in my face.

I did call her a few days later and left a message that I was bothered by her behavior at the party and that she may have forgotten where she came from but I sure as hell didn't. She never returned my call.

I'm kinda at a stance that I think she should be the one to call me if she cares about our friendship at all but at the same time it really hurts that someone I used to be so close to could just rub me out without a second thought.

I don't know, I just miss her you know? She was my sister. She was the only person I allowed myself to be that close with and now it just feels like I've been s*** on.

Do you think I should just forget about her and try to find another female that I can talk to?

Thoughts?

[jj2007]

I have decided to call her and have a talk. I have been tired of being taken for granted for a long time now. She can start putting as much into this friendship as I do, or we will have to just go our seperate ways.

 

Does ANYONE have any thoughts or opinions on this?

[corazoncito]

First off, I understand how bad it feels when you realize you are losing touch with long-term childhood friends, but that is a part of life, unfortunately. What's important is how you handle it.

 

Yes, you were reading too much into the Thanksgiving party. It was nice of her to include you. It was her party, so it was her choice in who to invite, how many, etc. The party was not about you, how many people you are comfortable around, whether you have the ability to chat nicely with new people. You had the choice to turn down the invitation, or attend and put your best best foot forward as a guest in her house. And of course she had little time to spend with you specifically. By your own admission she had 40 other guests to entertain. Probably no one had much one-on-one time with her. The last time I went to a Thanksgiving party it was hosted by friends who are like family to me. They had about that many people and I barely talked to my friends all night. I wasn't offended. They were busy entertaining and I had a great time meeting their new friends and neighbors.

 

If you were visibly showing your unhappiness at being there and not speaking to other people outside of your family (people pick up on those vibes even when you think you're being discrete), why would she want to invite you to her Christmas party and why would you want to attend?

 

To be blunt, I totally understand why she didn't call you after your message. That message was rude, immature, and selfish. The fact that you've heard nothing from her since means she has already made her decision. I know it hurts a lot. But even good friends can drift apart over time.

 

It sounds like you've grown apart, you went through a strained period where you tried to keep it together, and maybe from her point of view, inviting you to her Thanksgiving party was her last effort maintain the friendship. You clearly didn't enjoy yourself or her new friends, and even left her a nasty message afterwards. That's not the act of a friend. I'm sure she's not happy with the outcome either.

 

Don't call her. You will come across as jealous and bitter, especially since so much time has gone by. You don't have to try and stay her "best friend", or even stay in touch with her. You also don't have to "tell her off" or offer a dramatic ultimatum to make it seem like she is in the wrong. Just be gracious and move on with your life. Do your own thing with the people you enjoy spending time with. This isn't surrendering or looking weak. You will come across as classy, secure, mature, and happy in your own life. That is the best "revenge".

[corazoncito]

oops, double post!

[jj2007]

First off, I understand how bad it feels when you realize you are losing touch with long-term childhood friends, but that is a part of life, unfortunately. What's important is how you handle it.

 

Yes, you were reading too much into the Thanksgiving party. It was nice of her to include you. It was her party, so it was her choice in who to invite, how many, etc. The party was not about you, how many people you are comfortable around, whether you have the ability to chat nicely with new people. You had the choice to turn down the invitation, or attend and put your best best foot forward as a guest in her house. And of course she had little time to spend with you specifically. By your own admission she had 40 other guests to entertain. Probably no one had much one-on-one time with her. The last time I went to a Thanksgiving party it was hosted by friends who are like family to me. They had about that many people and I barely talked to my friends all night. I wasn't offended. They were busy entertaining and I had a great time meeting their new friends and neighbors.

 

If you were visibly showing your unhappiness at being there and not speaking to other people outside of your family (people pick up on those vibes even when you think you're being discrete), why would she want to invite you to her Christmas party and why would you want to attend?

 

To be blunt, I totally understand why she didn't call you after your message. That message was rude, immature, and selfish. The fact that you've heard nothing from her since means she has already made her decision. I know it hurts a lot. But even good friends can drift apart over time.

 

It sounds like you've grown apart, you went through a strained period where you tried to keep it together, and maybe from her point of view, inviting you to her Thanksgiving party was her last effort maintain the friendship. You clearly didn't enjoy yourself or her new friends, and even left her a nasty message afterwards. That's not the act of a friend. I'm sure she's not happy with the outcome either.

 

Don't call her. You will come across as jealous and bitter, especially since so much time has gone by. You don't have to try and stay her "best friend", or even stay in touch with her. You also don't have to "tell her off" or offer a dramatic ultimatum to make it seem like she is in the wrong. Just be gracious and move on with your life. Do your own thing with the people you enjoy spending time with. This isn't surrendering or looking weak. You will come across as classy, secure, mature, and happy in your own life. That is the best "revenge".

 

Thanks for your reply.

As I stated in my first post, I tried to make conversation but when I did it was very strained and when I tried to introduce myself to some of the other guests, their turned up their noses and walked away.

One thing I didn't mention before when I didn't see my friend for about 30 min I did go looking for her and she was in the house with a small group of people(5 or 6) sitting in the living room watching tv.(the majority of the guests stayed outside in the yard by the bon fire) I said, "well I hadn't seen you in a while, I thought you might need some help in the kitchen." she said, "oh no I'm fine the majority of it is done and if I need any help I can get so and so "( a couple of people in the room) I said "well, ok just thought I would ask." and I went back outside. After 30 min I decided to leave.

Her husband was very sweet though and at least sat down a chatted with us for about 10 to 15 min.

 

When she invited me I asked her how many people were going to be there and she told me just a few of her friends from work.

When we showed up, she never even asked me how I was or anything. She was kind of cold and distant. I guess we have grown apart and that bothers me because like I said we were close and now she just acts like she is too good for me.

But, I am going to call her and find out what is going on.

[corazoncito]

But, I am going to call her and find out what is going on.

 

Good luck! I hope she gives you an answer that helps you to understand.

[jj2007]

Well, instead of calling her I decided to stop by her house to talk to her in person. I started with, " you and I have been friends for a LONG time. I feel that I have to be honest with you. I feel like you no longer want me around and that you are too good for me. I want to know what is going on. Please be honest with me." She asked me to come in and sit down. She said, "I have been dreading telling you this for a while but about 2 years ago I started using cocaine. The reason I haven't called you is because I just knew if we spent time together you would be able to tell. I know it is wrong but it has taken my life over and now I realize I need help."

 

I sat there looking at her for 2 to 3 min in total shock.

I said, "oh my god! If I had known this I would have tried to help you! I wish you would have confided in me. I will ALWAYS be your friend no matter what but don't expect me to do that stuff with you."

 

She said, "that's why I didn't contact you. I invited you to the thanksgiving party because I still wanted to spend time with you and not let our friendship die but a lot of the people I hang out with now do it and that's what we were doing in the living room. I just didn't have the courage to tell you."

 

I said," Well, I do not agree with what you are doing but I wish you would have put more trust in me than that. I love you like a sister and I would do anything I can to help you. I honestly thought you had grown tired of me and that really hurt me."

 

So we talked about things for a couple hours and I am going to help her get into a treatment program. I really hope she sticks to it.

 

Boy am I bad at reading people.

[veronica12]

but I am right there with yur friend. I started using cocaine 2 years ago as well. I had (have) everything going for me. I even ended a 16 year marriage with a recovering alcoholic. I knew all of the pit falls of addiction. And yet, I find myself here. I have such a wonderful life, too. A beautiful daughter who just finished her first year of college. I have a wonderful career, I own my own home and a rental property, spotless credit, etc....Why am I on this downward spiral? I just happened to look at your posts. I don't know if any of what I have said applies to your situation. I just want to say that even the "good girls", who live by the rules and try to live up to everyone else's standards......we fall hard.

[jj2007]

but I am right there with yur friend. I started using cocaine 2 years ago as well. I had (have) everything going for me. I even ended a 16 year marriage with a recovering alcoholic. I knew all of the pit falls of addiction. And yet, I find myself here. I have such a wonderful life, too. A beautiful daughter who just finished her first year of college. I have a wonderful career, I own my own home and a rental property, spotless credit, etc....Why am I on this downward spiral? I just happened to look at your posts. I don't know if any of what I have said applies to your situation. I just want to say that even the "good girls", who live by the rules and try to live up to everyone else's standards......we fall hard.

 

I thought my friend was giving me the snub but she was hiding her drug use from me because she knew I wouldn't do it with her or approve. I am going to try to help her in any way that I can. I just wish she would have told me sooner.

I am sorry for what you are going through and I hope you get the help you need to recover from your addiction.

[veronica12]

Thank you for your supportive words.I am working towards recovery. Any addict needs to be held accountable for their actions.You can't help your friend unless she wants to change.Substances cloud rational thinking.All of the love in the world can't help a user that doesn't want to get better.Don't beat your head against a wall.You are powerless.Just pray for your friend and hope for the best.

[jj2007]

I think that is why she came clean with me. She does want to sober up. I told her I would be there for her for support. She told me she feels like the drug controls her life and she wants to be in control again. It is going to be a long process but she is a strong person and I believe she can do it.

 

Good luck with your recovery.