PinkLacqueredSkies Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I've been best friends with a gay guy for almost 3 years now and it's been the best friendship I've ever had but at the same time, the most intense. We're in contact every day and are pretty much inseparable when we're together. I feel so much closer to him than I have done with a guy before, maybe because he's gay, but also closer than I have ever been with my friends who are girls. In some ways it feels so much more than just a friendship. However, recently we've begun to have a few, not arguments, more like misunderstandings. I didn't expect that we'd never argue, but they just seem to be becoming more frequent now. (I'd like to point out that it has been a stressful few months for us and our other friends too as it has been our Uni finals). After the last misunderstanding we had a chat and agreed to tell each other if anything was getting to us, instead of letting it it turn into another. He said our friendship had reached 'married couple' status and in some ways I think he's right. But this worries me a bit as I think this will be harder to sustain than a less intense friendship. A year ago a friend of mine said she worried about the day that me and my best friend did argue as we were so close she thought I was at risk of getting really hurt and in an inconsolable situation. Anyway, sorry for going on. I just wondered if anyone else was in a similar situation, and if it's fairly common for a girl-gay guy friendship to be so intense? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 A similar thing happened to me. This gay friend of mine and I used to do everything together (work in the same mall and drive there together, go tanning together, go to the gym together, eat together sleep over at each other place ect.) It started to get to be too much for him but it went undiscussed for a long time because he is not a confrontational person. Then he started having random emotional outbursts around me. Finally one time when we getting in the car after grocery shopping (together) he just shouted "I'M SICK OF US! I FEEL LIKE WE'RE MARRIED! US IS STARTING TO MAKE ME SICK!" The friendship cooled off a lot after that. Now we just get together and catch up every once in a while. So since thats how my situation turned out I don't have any good advice, but I'm curious why this type of "too close" dynamic between gay guys and girls seems to be common. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkLacqueredSkies Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 I'm sorry it got like that with you. But it is interesting that this intense thing isn't only happening to me. It just seems to be quite easy to fall into a 'couple' kind of relationship. We tried really hard to relax it all a bit at one point by being less in contact but it really didn't work...we have to text msg or ring each other a lot! Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedButLoved Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I think the risk with the Will and Grace type friendships (which btw is one of my all time fav sitcoms ) is that even though there would never be boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship between you two, since you are (I'm guessing) attracted to men, you feed off of him a bit like a boyfriend even though you probably don't feel like you do. After awhile that stresses the friendship. Are you in a relationship currently? Gay men fill alot of emotional needs we don't get from straight men. I have been in similar situations. I suggest spending less time together. Maybe you could talk to him about it. Make a "date" night or hang out night where you guys do something on that day every week, like watch a movie go shopping and keep you're hang out time limited to that for awhile, and just phone each other during the week. Too much time with anyone, boyfriend, best friend, mother, sibling isn't good IMO. People get tired of people no matter how much they love them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkLacqueredSkies Posted June 22, 2007 Author Share Posted June 22, 2007 Thanks for the suggestions. I'm not in a relationship at the moment so I guess I have even more time to put into the friendship which in the end, could be more detrimental than good. We're both students so now that it's the holidays I've gone home and therefore haven't seen him for 2wks. Although we're still in contact a lot I think this physical break will be good. The problem is when we meet up after holidays it always goes back to how it was previously..I think this is going to take more effort from both of us than I originally thought! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted June 22, 2007 Share Posted June 22, 2007 I wish I had a gay friend... they make the best friend IMO. On of my daughter's best friend is gay... One of my best friend's friend is also a gay guy who got married one year ago. They are amazing friends.. I wish I had one... Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted June 23, 2007 Share Posted June 23, 2007 I also got the feeling that in some of these friendships that the girl might have some romantic feelings for the gay guy, or use him as a stand in boyfriend even though it isn't intentional. Or another reason is because its like seeing what having a close guy friend is all about without any worries about him liking you as more than a friend. Neither of those was really the case for me since I am used to being single and I have a lot of other guy friends. Know what is a weird coincidence? Right after I posted on this thread today my gay friend called me up out of nowhere, we're going to hangout later. I was starting to feel like we were not friends anymore. But at least now we are on better behavior around each other because its not as often. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PinkLacqueredSkies Posted June 23, 2007 Author Share Posted June 23, 2007 That's great news about meeting up with your friend! Did it go ok? I know what you mean but I don't think my situation is like that; I don't have romantic feelings for him. We had a bit of a misunderstanding on Wednesday evening I think... "I think" because I was a bit drunk, and we haven't spoken since. I text messaged him yesterday asking how he was but I got no reply. 3 days without any contact, not even a message, is a long long time for us. Not sure what to do now, I think I should just leave him to get in touch when he's ready.. Link to post Share on other sites
McFadden Posted June 24, 2007 Share Posted June 24, 2007 Yeah, I went out to eat with my freind on friday. Well we are back in contact with no sign of getting on each others nerves yet. He lives an hour drive away from me now though. When I started having issues with him, one of the reasons behind it was that he suspected (mistakenly) that I had feelings for him. It started when I made some kind of joke, and he took it the wrong way but didn't speak up about it then, so I kept joking around and he became increasingly uncomfortable until he finally confronted me about it. Then, when he found out that I was just joking he cried and stuff because he thought I was making fun of him. It was terrible, and his reaction made me think that he was the one who had feelings for me and I started avoiding him. Now and we have both acknowledged that we just like each other as friends and things got so emotional because there was confusion on both sides. Anyway I was rambling there but the point I'm trying to get to, is it possible your friend is mistakenly afraid you have romantic feelings toward him? I don't know your situation but just cos of what happened to me, I think that can be a culprit when someone starts pulling away for no reason. If that's the case just clearing the air on the situation should help. Link to post Share on other sites
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