Letter to the ex and the ex-friend (LONG)

[silentcharon]

Wow this is going to be long. I just want to know if the letter sounds okay, or if I should even bother. You can skip below for the letter if you don't want to read the short story I've written for some background info.

NOT SO Short story summed up: I asked a mutual friend that I shared with the ex if there was anything going on between her and my ex. She denied it, saying she would never hurt me, that my ex was her best friend, blah, blah- two weeks later, she dumped her bf and slept with my ex the next night. I flipped out on them when I found out- I felt hurt and betrayed. Although they were just FWB's, my mutual friend pushed for commitment which he never wanted in the first place (he broke up with me because he didn't want to commit anymore after 7 years.), we hooked up occasionally anyway. We stopped hanging out altogether, the friend and I, because of the ex. To my knowledge at the time, I thought he was being honest with her about sleeping with me still until I talked to her finally. She asked me some questions and I absolutely had no reason to lie to her- I told her everything I knew.

 

Turns out my ex weren't entirely being honest with her, he said that we hooked up once or twice, when in fact it was more than that, etc, etc. To top of it off, I also found out she had to have an abortion- I had enough- my ex was being a cake eater, basically. I told her I was done with him- that she could have him. The next night I packed up everything he ever gave me and gave it all back to him. The mutual friend and I agreed that it would be best to leave my ex alone, because he was causing a lot of problems. She went back to him anyway, and I kind of understood, because I did it myself for a while. They ended up becoming 'official', while I met a new guy and started dating him.

 

Fast forward to several weeks ago- the ex and I have been trying to maintain a friendship. My boyfriend at the time had no problem with it, while the mutual friend had a huge problem with it, because of what happened, how my ex lied to her about hooking up with me. It has split up the group of close friends we all belong to- so we didn't really have anyone else to hang out with together, so we would go for coffee for an hour at most a week alone. The friend still had a problem with it, while I didn't blame her, I was getting weary of her phone calls to his cell phone when we would visit, making him upset, it would make me upset too. So finally, I had enough- she came to my house to talk to me about the issue.

 

She stated that her issue was that she was not comfortable with us hanging out alone (in public places?), I understood where she was coming from, because of what happened, but then I told her I wasn't going to change my position. The ex and I never broke up on nasty terms, and I admitted that while we did still have feelings for one another, we weren't doing anything because of the fact we both were dating other people. We argued for a while, nothing really changed- I assumed that the talk went well anyhow.

 

She ended up dumping my ex, and three days later, my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue. I went to my ex's, and we ended up hooking up (I didn't care.) she found out and went psycho on him, she attacked him at his doorstep. It was only then I realized I made a mistake- I told her that I wouldn't take him back the way he was, and I did the exact opposite thing, I ran back to him. I did some thinking- I figured out that I told her that was because I wanted her to believe that we really weren't doing anything before all this happened. I realized that I basically lied to her about my true feelings.

 

She is now saying I said things to get her to dump him and that I am not allowed to talk to her anymore. She is going around bad mouthing me, saying how horrible of a person I am, all because of what I told her when we talked the first and second time. All I ever did was tell her the truth and she's using that against me. The only difference is that I lied about 'not taking him back the way he is' this time around.

 

I did some things I shouldn't have done either and I am acknowledging that.

 

The ex and I are still on okay terms- he has apologized to me and recognized that he has some problems. He is currently seeing a therapist to work his issues out, which I commend him for. I would love this to end, so I wrote a letter, in hopes of maybe some good out of this.

Jae (Friend) and Richard (ex)-

 

If you could take the time to read this letter, I would appreciate it. I am aware that you don't want anything to do with me, or talk to me, that I'm not allowed to talk to you, that's fine. The way I figure things out, we're pretty much even now.

 

When you came to my house- my issue with you were that you were giving Richard a hard time whenever we hung out alone. I understood that, but my issue was that we couldn't really hang out with anyone else, so therefore we hung out alone. I was being honest with you about everything, except for one thing. It is true that we didn't do anything up till you broke up with Richard. When I told you I was done with Richard the first time we talked, I meant it- I packed up everything he ever gave me and gave it all back the next night.

 

But like you, I still loved Richard anyway- I just could not do it anymore. He was being a cake eater, basically. You told me you were done with him, but you went back to him anyway, and I didn't.

 

I told you I would not take him back the way he is, when you were at my house- I said that to try to convince you that I wasn't doing anything with him. I want to apologize for that- I was not being honest with you. I thought if I said that, maybe it would make you feel better, but that wasn't geninue of me to do that. I did want him back, but I wanted you to believe that we REALLY weren't doing anything. I was honest with you about everything else- my motive was not to get you to break up with Richard, that was really the last thing I was expecting to happen. I know how it must seem like that was my motive- it wasn't, like I said, I wanted to talk to you about letting me hang out with him.

 

When Colin broke up with me, I basically ran back to Richard. It was in that when I realized that I made a mistake- I lied to you how I wouldn't take him back the way he is. I would. And for that, I am sorry. I pretty much did what you did- you told me you would never do whatever with Richard, and you did. I told you basically the same thing and I did it anyway. I figure we're even now.

 

I don't want to live my life with grudges. Some of it was my fault, and I would like to acknowledge that. However, there is one thing that bothers me. On both times we discussed this issue, recently and the one time before I found out about your abortion- I was honest on both fronts. The first time was because I had no reason to lie to you, that I told you at the time, and you grilled me with questions. The second time was no different- I admitted that we both still had feelings for one another, which you already knew. Except the difference was that the second time around we weren't do anything anymore because we were dating other people, and that I lied to you about taking him back the way he is. What's your beef against me? You're mad at me because....? You dumped Richard because of what I said and found out I slept with him after Colin and I broke up? That's a bit hypocritical there. Kinda like how you told me you would never do anything with Richard and then, two weeks later, the next night after you dumped Kyle, you slept with Richard.

 

I told you things that you didn't know about, and you're holding that against me? You made decisions and that should be your own fault, not mine. I never forced you to dump Richard or forced Richard to lie to you. That was his own choosing, we all made bad choices, and as a result, we all got hurt because of that. We all share some of the blame in this- don't blame me for everything. I'm admitting that there were some things that I shouldn't have done.

 

This letter is simply to let you know that I apologize for any wrongdoings I have done to you, that I don't hold any grudges against you. Whether you admit it or not, you have done me wrong too.

 

Richard apologized to me and explained that if things were to get better, it had to start with him. Because of his attitude, I figured I'd give it a shot with you. I don't expect us to be best buddies or anything like that, but I would hope that we can be civil at best. I have never done anything to you on purpose, and you need to realize that, because I realize that nothing you did were to hurt me on purpose. We all need to grow up- this has gone on since October, nearly 5 months now and I'm getting tired of it.

 

It's up to you whether you want to hold on to all this or not. I am absolving myself of all guilt, anger and resentment, by totally forgiving you and Richard and most of all, myself one hundred percent. This letter is mainly for myself, as a means of letting things go, so I can truly move on. This will never be spoken again by me.

 

Best,

 

SC

[KittenMoon]

She ended up dumping my ex, and three days later, my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue. I went to my ex's, and we ended up hooking up (I didn't care.)

 

Whoa- when did this happen? You didn't mention this before.....

 

Goddamn girl, stop playing this back and forth game! How many times are you going to repeat this cycle of hook-ups, blow-ups, etc etc.

 

Jae is a psycho.

 

Richard is f-ed up in the head and completely self-absorbed.

 

You need to stop allowing yourself to get re-involved. Forget the letters, talks, whatever. Just STOP.

 

I really recommend just stoping hanging out with either of them 100%. No beer nights, no random show ups on doorsteps, no wings, etc etc.

 

Nothing will ever work out with you and Richard if Jae is in the picture. Nothing will ever work out with Jae and Richard if you are in the picture. Nothing will ever work out for with any other guy as long as Richard is in the picture.

 

You CANNOT settle this without losing something- whether a friendship, a relationship, or an intact group of friends.

 

Stop trying to salvage it all. Please. Is it causing you anything but drama and trouble? Is it?

[silentcharon]

No, I didn't mention that, that's how guilty I felt.

 

The point is, I really want to walk away- what I did was wrong too. While my ex is fked up too, he has been for a while- he's been going for help so he's working on his issues, since then he's stopped getting involved. He apologized and I have been watching his actions, he seems to be for real this time- he doesn't do anything now (ie he keeps his distance when he's around me, doesn't hang out wiht jae much now, etc, etc) I haven't done anything since either, it's mainly her going around making me look bad. I figured maybe if I admitted what I did was wrong, maybe it'll get her to stop and restore peace to a point. Is it even worth it though?

[KittenMoon]

Why do you need justification or forgiveness for a girl you have no respect for? Forget it.

 

If anyone who you actually respect calls you on it, say "I made a mistake and I'm sorry it happened" then leave it at that because it's not their business.

 

Not talking about it is the most mature thing you can do. Let Jae dig her own annoying, gossipy grave with what she says.

 

As to Richard- the best thing you can do is stay away from him while he works stuff out. REALLY away. No hook-ups, No private movie nights, etc. If a time comes where you think things have really changed, wait a few months more. Just to be sure.

 

P.S. Clean out your PMs!!!!!! I can't message you!!!!!