How can I tell her to get over it!

[redfathom]

I introduced my friend to my brother in law in August and they started to date and broke up in October. Then after a few weeks they just started sleeping together, Friends with Benefits. First they slept together and she thought it meant more then it did. So again, this time I advised her to ask before sleeping with him and she didn’t so she was hurt and angry. Then she decided that she would take what she could get. This was while my brother in law was under the impression she was moving out of state and she changed her mind. So now they are not getting along.

 

Mean while I am married, with my H for almost 10 years married for 6.5 and we have been since October talking about divorce kind of off and no and since this week are not sure if we are going to be able to save our marriage. I mean we have a house and joint accounts and bills and such. She has nothing tying her to him but the fact that she does not understand that he does not want to date her.

 

So here is my beef! I am dealing with a lot and my friend just keeps coming to me for support and will not listen to my problems. So I try to be a good friend and support and comfort he and I have told her basically if you want to know where you stand ask him. If you don’t like what he is doing to you then stop calling him. Basically I said you are making the choices and she says she just gets sucked back in. And poor me everything reminds me of him, a song, talking to you ect.

 

I don’t need this. I don’t have strength enough to get through my problems and support and comfort her especially when she only dated him for 3 months. I am talking about 10 years she's upset over three months. I am not trying to unvalidate her feelings I mean I am sure she is hurting but she knows what she needs to do she just won't follow through. She won't move past this and she knows she needs to. I have run out of things to tell her, I mean there is only one option to just try to get over it because he is not into her and she can't drag this on.

 

She can never get pass herself, her and her mom were having issues when she was thiking about moving. Her mom was drinking and being a little harsh to her. I told her it is because she is sad and not to take it personal. I told her the drinking was her way of dealing with it and no matter how her mom was acting her mom needed her. Her youngest was moving away and she has to deal with that and her loss of control over her kids who are grown up. I told her her mom might be going through a mid life crises because her children are getting to do wonderful things and her life is kind of stagnant. That her mom is past the point of making decisions like they get to make and my friend just started whining about how she has made bad decisions and so on. So I said forget your bad decisions we are not talking about you! We are talking about your mom who needs you!

 

So how do I delicately tell her to deal with her own problems!

 

She is just so selfish and can’t believe everything does not revolve around her!

[Jalav]

I am dealing with a lot and my friend just keeps coming to me for support and will not listen to my problems. So I try to be a good friend and support and comfort he and I have told her basically if you want to know where you stand ask him. If you don’t like what he is doing to you then stop calling him. Basically I said you are making the choices and she says she just gets sucked back in. And poor me everything reminds me of him, a song, talking to you ect.

 

I don’t need this. I don’t have strength enough to get through my problems and support and comfort her especially when she only dated him for 3 months. I am talking about 10 years she's upset over three months. I am not trying to unvalidate her feelings I mean I am sure she is hurting but she knows what she needs to do she just won't follow through. She won't move past this and she knows she needs to. I have run out of things to tell her, I mean there is only one option to just try to get over it because he is not into her and she can't drag this on.

 

She can never get pass herself, her and her mom were having issues when she was thiking about moving.So I said forget your bad decisions we are not talking about you! We are talking about your mom who needs you!

 

So how do I delicately tell her to deal with her own problems!

 

She is just so selfish and can’t believe everything does not revolve around her!

 

red,

Wish I knew what to tell you. How old is your friend? Not that it always matters (see my story below), but just curious.

 

I have a quick story for you and not saying that it helps. My best friend lost her older brother in a plant accident. Her younger siblings (twins) lost their biological father to suicide. Her mother, who was usually a lot of fun, sunk deeper into depression once my friend went to college. Our university was 10 hours away by car, and you had to drive at least half that distance to get to a real plane with no stops or changes, so you might as well drive the whole way if you wanted to go home and visit! Her mom started calling more and more with suicide threats to my 19-, 20-, 21-year-old friend. What was my best friend supposed to do? Call her teenage-something siblings in high school and scare them to go check on their mom for every fake threat? Call her grandparents and scare them for every fake, but scary, threat? Drive 10 hours (one way) everytime it happened? It was a bad situation, and one her mom shouldn't have put her in. It upset my friend and worried her and made her have to make decisions that were backwards for her age (daughter taking care of mom instead of vice-versa, and not old age nursing home/hospice/health care crap). It was very selfish, but all her mom saw was that she needed her "grown" daughter and used negative means to get that attention. Sound unfair of me to compare the two? Maybe, but I was there and saw what it did to my friend, and her mom had other options, just like your friend does. I understand your friend isn't talking suicide and hasn't lost loved ones and isn't even related to you, but the selfishness is similar.

 

It sounds to me like you've handled this as nicely and openly as you can, but you're just gonna have to put your foot down and say that you've done all you can. Tell your friend that she has to separate herself from this situation unless she can realize it's a physical only relationship (probably impossible at this point). It's been doomed from the start if she can't handle the truth.

 

Remind her that you've given her the best advice that you can, but now you have to focus on yourself and say you would appreciate her support. Tell her that you're going through a lot emotionally right now with your long-term relationship/marriage ending and that you need all your female friends to be there for you and that you can't tackle other issues until your problems have been resolved. That should break through to most women's empathy, but I'm not sure about your friend. If not, tell her that you can no longer discuss her situation with her because this isn't junior high, and I mean be blunt! You're not passing notes, or calling him late at night on your private line to tell him what she said, or getting your husband and friends to rally for her during football practice, or gossiping by the lockers.

 

You are in a grown-up relationship that is sadly coming to an end, and you need for her to quit being so selfish or to stop calling, period. Sound mean? Yes. Want to keep up the relationship that you currently have with her? No.

 

Meanwhile, people on LS are here for you. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I'm trying to look out for your best interests right now. You can always (or not) catch up with her down the road. Like you said, this is a physical, 3-month relationship that didn't mean anything to begin with. Keep that in perspective. And come here anytime if you need support (even if you don't like my advice, I know other people here will help!).

 

Best of luck.

[redfathom]

So my friend is out of control. She finally broke it off with my bother in law. Of course she still needs support ALL the time. So this is a new development. She has decided that he is gay or bi-sexual and gave me a list of reason why. I said if he was who cares and the reasons you are stating do not make sense. Then I mentioned how he said he was going to become gay so dating would be easier (he was joking). So she says, “So he was taking about how crazy I am” her words. Then she proceeds and still is about how pissed off she is that he said she was crazy. Which he did no, he only said she is a pain in the ass sometimes. Who isn’t a pain in the ass or a little bit “crazy”! So I told my friend she has no right to be upset 1. She is a bit crazy, everyone is 2. She talked bad about him and that make her a hypocrite.

 

]So she said she was just joking when she said those things and I told her she was being passive aggressive which means se meant it even if only a little. So now she said she is mad at me because “you have all been laughing at me behind my back”

 

I mean we are all a little crazy so why is she getting so bent out of shape (also she is very emotionally needy).