I have this friend.....

[Cherrybomb]

Hi,

 

This seems like a good place to post my problem since I've seen similar posts here. I'm a female with a guy friend that I've known for 7 years. It has never been a romantic relationship, just hanging out and sending e-mail. We both belong to the same community band so we see each other about once a week and maybe we talk for a couple of minutes. Six years ago we went on a group trip and my friend met a girl 22 years younger and she was obviously interested in him. I didn't get it. Not only is this a huge age gap, my friend is married and his oldest son is only 5 years younger than this girl he met. I was upset about the situation not because of jealousy, but because her boyfriend at the time was also much older and married, so I saw a pattern. I also knew that my friend was having marriage problems and I knew he was vulnerable and I didn't want to see her take advantage of that. Anyway, this girl and my friend hooked up and I hardly saw him on the trip. Right from the start, this girl was possesive and wouldn't let my friend out of her sight. I could see if they were dating for awhile, but she only knew him for a couple of days! She never liked me and she was never happy that we were friends. I asked my friend about this because I didn't want to cause problems and he said that she should not come between us being friends. When my friend stopped treating me the way he used to I assumed that it was because he didn't want to upset his girlfriend. I was right. He told me a few times that she is jealous and insecure. He told me that he can't interact with me the way he used to because he doesn't want to piss off his girlfriend. About a month ago I saw my friend on my birthday. He was acting strange so the next day I e-mailed him about it. He said that he was going to give me a birthday card but when he told his girlfriend about it she got really upset with him and they had an argument about it that lasted well into the night. I didn't get it. It's just a stupid card, not a diamond necklace. I sent him an e-mail that stated that there must be a reason why she is so upset about him giving me a card and I would like to resolve it. I said that I would like to talk to him about it but I understand that he may need some time to work things out. If there are things that I say or do that they feel are inappropriate then I should know. I don't want to cross any boundaries. I have not heard from my friend since. He has been distant and aloof. Do you think it was wrong to e-mail him? I didn't call her a crazy bitch or anything, and I don't think that there is anything wrong with wanting to resolve issues. Do you think he just needs time to sort things out? I was thinking that I should just leave him alone for a month or two. I don't know if I should try to contact him again in the future or not. He has been a very good friend and he always listens to me. I don't want to lose him. I don't think that it's fair to say nothing to me. Maybe he just needs some time. I just want to do what is best for him.

[Jalav]

Cherry,

Talk about insecure AND jealous! She's been with him five or six years now and can't handle a birthday card? It sounds like you and your friend have both done what you can to alleviate her fears. I also don't see that you did anything wrong in either email. You were matter-of-fact and asked the right questions about what the boundaries are. You weren't mean or deriding and just wanted to resolve the conflict. Sounds to me like she's a control freak, and he cowtows everytime she has a hissy fit. It's just sad it's gone on this long and has compromised your friendship. Give him the time he needs but realize he's been in this miserable relationship for years and continues putting up with it, so it probably won't change anytime soon. Hang in there!

[Blue Phoenix]

--"I didn't call her a crazy bitch or anything, and I don't think that there is anything wrong with wanting to resolve issues. Do you think he just needs time to sort things out?"-- Yeah I do think he needs time to sort things out. Like why is he cheating on his wife for so maney years with this women.

[Cherrybomb]

My friend is now legally seperated from his wife and he has his own house now. His girlfriend practically lives with him. My friend might be divorced by now, but I don't know. It is none of my business. The only thing I can figure is that his wife hated him for years (this is what he says). She has absolutely no interest in spending time with him. She wouldn't even go with him to visit their son in Europe. The girl he is with now is the complete opposite. If she could, I think that she would spend 24 hours a day with my friend. I think that having an intimate relationship with a young women with a hot body who actually wants him is more important to my friend than being with someone who is emotionally stable. I guess hot sex is more important than friendship.