lilly126 Posted December 20, 2006 Share Posted December 20, 2006 Short background: I've been friends with Abby since I was 8. It's been 15 years. We've always been really close and we always support each other. She's been dating this guy for about 2 years, and he's never been very good to her. He takes advantage of her and her family and the financial help they provide. All in all, he has her convinced that they should only do things together, so therefore, I never get to hang out with her outside of our workday lunches without him. It's really hard to feel that close to her b/c there are so many "boundaries" to what she can do. Recently there was a rumor going around about HIM. Supposedly, sometime last week he was arrested for possession of marijuana and possession of a controlled substance. Well, I looked it up on the court case information website, and sure enough, it's true. The worst part is that shes' been working two jobs to get them through the holidays, and the night he was arrested, she was at her second job. When I found out that the "rumor" was true, I told her about the rumor. She laughed it off, saying that the source of the rumor was just talking nonsense. Even as she said this to me over the computer, I sat there, staring at the charges on my computer screen. My question is, I'm not sure if she knows about it, or if he has been keeping it a secret from her. I want to know if I'm supposed to talk to her about it, show her the printouts from the website and make sure she knows. Some of my friends are telling me to stay out of it, and some are saying that since her and I have been friends for so long, she's almost like family and I should make sure she has the whole story. I'm so confused. I don't want to overstep my boundaries with her and her relationship with him, but quite frankly I'm mad! I'm mad because she's working two jobs, while he's barely working this winter, and she's spending all her money on him, while he is obviously spending it on drugs. Someone, please please please give me some sound advice. This is all I can think about lately. Link to post Share on other sites
guin_girl Posted December 20, 2006 Share Posted December 20, 2006 I would sit her down and tell her that you were concerned for her and were unfortunately able to pull up the public record of his arrest. I would also tell her that you support whatever decision she makes, whether to stay with him or break it off. I had to do this with a friend of mine when she was getting married. It's a difficult conversation, and she did get upset... but she also realized that I did it because I was concerned for her. and we did get past it and it strengthened our friendship in the long run. I don't think I would let her boyfriend know you know the truth and give him the chance to come clean. I think he would use the opportunity to "bad talk" you to her instead. I know I would not feel good about myself if I didn't let her know, and I would also be upset if she knew and didn't tell me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lilly126 Posted December 20, 2006 Author Share Posted December 20, 2006 guin_girl, thanks for your help. That's kinda where I was going with this. Basically, I keep trying to ask myself what I would expect out of her in the same situation, but reversed. I know how people are with the ones they love, they refuse to see the bad and only want to see the good. Aside from the fact that I think their relationship is an unhealthy one, I'm more concerned for her well-being, self-esteem, and the fact that all of this may not even be in her realm of knowledge. If he's keeping this a secret and she has no clue -- that's what worries me! Link to post Share on other sites
guin_girl Posted December 20, 2006 Share Posted December 20, 2006 one thing I would like to mention... don't bad-talk him... let the documentation speak for itself. If you are just presenting the facts and not "opinion", I think it will go smoother... She will need you for support. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
CardPlay3r Posted December 22, 2006 Share Posted December 22, 2006 Give her the link or a way to verify it with the police department...arrests are public info. I think you should tell her your opinions about the relationship and all as well...then tell her you'll support her no matter what she does Link to post Share on other sites
CarolAnne Posted December 23, 2006 Share Posted December 23, 2006 "some are saying that since her and I have been friends for so long, she's almost like family and I should make sure she has the whole story." If it were me, I would take her somewhere private and tell her that you looked it up because the rumors scared you and you want her to be safe, and that you haven't said anything to anyone else because you were hoping ppl would forget about it, but that you looked it up and it is true and as a friend wanted her to know. I kind of think she already does, I mean, if ppl were saying my BF had been arrested there is no way I wouldn't ask him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
vanessa Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 Short background: I've been friends with Abby since I was 8. It's been 15 years. We've always been really close and we always support each other. She's been dating this guy for about 2 years, and he's never been very good to her. He takes advantage of her and her family and the financial help they provide. All in all, he has her convinced that they should only do things together, so therefore, I never get to hang out with her outside of our workday lunches without him. It's really hard to feel that close to her b/c there are so many "boundaries" to what she can do. Recently there was a rumor going around about HIM. Supposedly, sometime last week he was arrested for possession of marijuana and possession of a controlled substance. Well, I looked it up on the court case information website, and sure enough, it's true. The worst part is that shes' been working two jobs to get them through the holidays, and the night he was arrested, she was at her second job. When I found out that the "rumor" was true, I told her about the rumor. She laughed it off, saying that the source of the rumor was just talking nonsense. Even as she said this to me over the computer, I sat there, staring at the charges on my computer screen. My question is, I'm not sure if she knows about it, or if he has been keeping it a secret from her. I want to know if I'm supposed to talk to her about it, show her the printouts from the website and make sure she knows. Some of my friends are telling me to stay out of it, and some are saying that since her and I have been friends for so long, she's almost like family and I should make sure she has the whole story. I'm so confused. I don't want to overstep my boundaries with her and her relationship with him, but quite frankly I'm mad! I'm mad because she's working two jobs, while he's barely working this winter, and she's spending all her money on him, while he is obviously spending it on drugs. Someone, please please please give me some sound advice. This is all I can think about lately. How tragic!you should help her because she is in trouble.friendship mean to help each other 'a friend in need is a friend indeed. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 If the arrest records don't make her respond, please don't push it. She may already know about it. Your friendship is important and from the sounds of it, she will be needing your support very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 27, 2006 Share Posted December 27, 2006 in my case i have been extremely lucky that people see my situation as a health issue - one night i was picked up by police after a good friend called them after i went to them for help. i had cocaine on me and they took me to the hospital and didn't charge me for possession - i have been extremely fortunate that the local police and hospital admin understand the difference between someone that has fallen and someone that is a criminal junkie i spent a whole night telling police and doctors the most insane stories and they were very kind and helped me regain sanity i am grateful Link to post Share on other sites
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