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lunch with coworker


Business and Professional Relationships Networking and maintaining a positive environment in the work place is important! Surviving the 9-to-5 within.

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  • 5 Post By Scarlett.O'hara
  • 2 Post By MajesticUnicorn
  • 2 Post By newmoon
  • 1 Post By CautiouslyOptimistic
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Old 30th October 2017, 2:45 AM   #1
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lunch with coworker

Im not sure if this thread belongs here but I wanted to post as its about a business relationship.

Im a guy in my early 30s, happily married. I recently started working at this new firm where I met this colleague who is also married and slightly younger. I interact with her a lot as part of my work. About a week or so after our introductions, she started asking me if I wanted to go on lunch with her. At the time I was trying to make connections with all my coworkers and didnt say no. I cant remember if it was just us or if others were tgese as well, but a few days after that we both started going to lunch just by ourselves. Sometimes she'd message me or I'd message or text her to confirm lunch plans. Then she asked me if we could go for coffee, and I gladly went. Again, it was just both of us. This continued for a while. At all these meetings we talked many different things, from asking about each other to getting to know about our families etc just normal talk like anyone would do. . I can also notice that most of the time she only invites me for coffee or lunch, and we have a good talk almost all the time. After coffee we sometimes go for a short walk as well. Also, Im not that active on facebook or instagram, and usually dont check them for weeks. One day I checked my accounts and found that she had requested to be my friend on fb in abt a week of our introduction. We only message each other during work hours and use office messenger or just text. most messages are plain and informational only.

Once during lunch she said she was visiting a place with her family, and this topic came up about clubs and we shared our opinions on nightlife. The other day we were discussing vacation plans, and we were discussing about this city where she told me she had visited with her husband and also told me she went to a couple of strip clubs over there. I've never had women talk to me like this and found it very puzzling, sort of.

Now, all this only happens when we meet during work and really no communication after work hours. She meets with me almost 3 to 4 times a week for lunch and about 1 to 2 times for coffee, all these times just us both. Definitely she is more than just another coworker, and do consider her as a friend.But Im really confused if there is something else going on here.

I was never in an affair, and not a girl magnet by any measure. But I am pretty good at what I do at work. Do I like being with her? yes. Am I interested in her? not initially but now Im curious.

What do you think? do you think she wants more than friendship? In that case I really dont know how to take it to the next level but I sure am curious. If she is just being friendly and my preception is muddied, I'd like to get it right.

TIA.
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Old 30th October 2017, 3:38 AM   #2
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What do you mean, take things to the next level?

Are you asking for tips for how to start an affair? If so, you came to the wrong place.

If you want my advice, get your priorities straight. You are "happily married" so show your wife some respect by backing off from this other woman.

There is nothing wrong with making friends at work but there should be boundaries or you run the risk of destroying two families on a self whim.
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:48 AM   #3
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There's probably varying opinions on this.

For me, at my work my closest friend there is a married male. I am younger, and single. We just get along because we're pretty much the closest in age, share interests, etc. We message a good bit during the day, and do grab lunch or happy hour from time to time. Heck, we've even been on business trips together where we were the only two out at the bar. But nothing happened. Why? Because we both know boundaries. He's married. I respect that, and he loves and respects his wife and wouldn't ruin his marriage to get with a younger coworker.

Maybe she is interested in you, or maybe she's just trying to be friendly to the new hire. Going out to lunch that frequently with one another is a bit incessant. But at the same point, why would you want to take things to the "next level," if you are married?? Just continue to pursue friendship and maybe back off a bit if you think things are crossing the line. Getting involved with a coworker, especially when both of you are married is messy and not worth it.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:55 AM   #4
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i have a "work husband" and i think it's very common in the workplace and it creates a great bond and friendship, so you can vent with someone and find support. do we get talked/gossiped about? probably, but we know it's all above-board and just friendship. the work husband/work wife thing is perfectly fine if you confine it just to work. calling their office to see if they are free for coffee, or texting to go on break, or sitting together at meetings, or going on walks... i do all of that too. but my work husband doesn't call me after work, we're not FB friends, and we don't text outside of work. if we did, that would be encouraging an affair. you;re doing that and it risks everything - your home life, your job, and that's just to start. confine it to the office and let this woman know you cannot be contacted after work any longer, and de-friend her. if she cannot accept that, or if you are un-willing to do that, then you're angling for something much more affair-like. i won't judge, but if you continue talking outside of work it's going in the wrong direction, and saying you want to "take it to the next level" - that's an affair. if you want her as an outside friend then invite her to dinner with your wife and family.

Last edited by newmoon; 30th October 2017 at 10:59 AM..
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:53 AM   #5
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You are playing with fire and so is she. You seem to be putting this on her, though, as if you're a passive player sending no signals. I highly doubt that. We don't know you from Adam here, so we can't offer the best opinions on the subject. I suggest you ask your wife since she probably knows you better than anyone.
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Old 30th October 2017, 4:38 PM   #6
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I have no problems eating lunch with married colleagues or even shooting the breeze with them during the day.


To keep the lines completely clean do something with your spouses after work but don't start going for drinks after work or texting all night once you at home.


If you want to have an affair, think long & hard about what you will have to sacrifice to satisfy your curiosity. Your wife would be justified in getting a divorce.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:43 PM   #7
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Thanks everyone. this has been very helpful. I myself didnt have any interest in an affair or didnt think from that angle until very recently when I felt she was initiating most of the moves. I should admit that I did feel an urge to reciprocate and did try to flirt but never texted or contacted her outside work. My wife knows shes my friend at work and I share a lot of our conversations with my wife as well. Sometimes my wife doesnt like me talking to this girl, but again I am not actively seeking an affair.

I agree with most of your comments that its not worth it. I do plan on meeting my family with hers as I think she is a good friend. Its just that I never had a woman make the moves, as in initiating these type of convos, but thays probably her style. I do think twice as I dont want any affair or emotional attachments to impact my family relationships.
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